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Mental Health Monday: Controlling the Urge to Self Harm or Hurt Someone Else



This past weekend was one of the shittiest weekends I’ve had in the longest time. Nothing went right, I was surrounded by arseholes and it was encased in letdowns and fuckyous. My anger started to boil over by the end of the first night. People refusing to help me or giving me the wrong directions, the shit-stank hotel with mould and last but not least the by bracelet being stolen. I really just broke down. I didn’t know how to deal with everything going on. I did my usual of faking a smile and appearing friendly and pretending that nothing was wrong at all. I noticed that each time I do this I die inside a little bit more. 
I believed in karma. I really tried to believe in the Golden Rule and follow it as often as I could. I looked around and saw that the whole concept was bullshit. It was just another tool for controlling people. It’s a manipulative notion at best. It’s people in „power“ telling other people, no scaring other people into believing they needed to be good and treat others as they wish to be treated or God would be angry. And we all know what an angry God means. I also think they used this, bot because they believed in it, but because they knew it would be easier to keep people under control. I have a few issues with it. What if you want to be treated like shit? Like you hate yourself and you think you deserve it and that people should treat you in a manner you think that you deserve? What if you’re angry with yourself and you want to hurt yourself to get aggression out? What if it’s just you internalising the anger because you don’t know how to express it? Does that mean you should be aggressive toward others? Does it mean that you should treat other people like shit? Technically, you’re fallowing that Golden Rule. Did they really think about this before they started spewing this shit?
My second question is, what the fuck does it matter? God obviously doesn't give a fuck about good karma or good deeds. I think this idea was created by men who wanted to fuck with everyone else. And if God is there and he's listening, I don't think he really gives a shit. I mean, He knew how important the bracelet was and still allowed me to be fucked. I don't know why I even bother with praying sometimes. He never answers them or if he does it's always a no. And what kind of compassionate God would hear my cries of agony and desperation about standing out in below freezing temperatures and offer no help or aid? I don't think he cares about me at all really. Or he thinks I'm some kind of evil fuck. He may be right about that, but didn't he say he loves everyone? I smell some hypocrisy here. 

Per usual, I messaged my mate Jess and told her how I was feeling in an attempt to get all the toxic feelings out of me before they exploded and I hurt myself or hit someone around me out of frustration. She listed to everything and offered not only support but asked questions to help me work a few things out. I think everyone needs a mate like her. Joking, sweet but who can be serious and try and bring you back to Earth when you're half way to the fucking moon. I told her that I just wanted to die. I told her how frustrated I was and that I felt like nothing would work out for me. She tried to reassure me that everything would work out. I spoke to her and laughed with her rather than give into the urge of banging my wrists into the walls. I think that can be the best thing you can do. When you're in that middle ground between going completely mental and are holding onto a few threads of self-control. It puts a different perspective on things. It reminds you that there is at least one person who cares about you. It led me to open up to a few other mates about what was going on and they encouraged me to try and that they would be there to help me. I think that's amazing. And if I can be someone like that for someone, do reach out to me. I'm more than happy to talk to people, share stories and experiences and offer advice based on my own experiences. 

I'm going to try and upload Dan and lil Phil's NYC Adventure Part 2 tonight, if not it 
will be tomorrow. Tattoo Talk Thursdays will be on time! I also will work to expand on these thoughts later in the week when I can properly focus. Have questions? Message me on social media and if I get enough responses I will do a Q and A on this topic! 


Also, this is the time of year when people should be more accepting and helpful to those around them.
It's the holiday people and more importantly, it's cold. Whilst in NYC this past weekend I ran into two homeless people who were freezing. I fed one of them who begged me for food and the other desperately needed something warm and some money, both of which I gave. It doesn't take more than a minute to see all of these people ARE people and they are in need of help. Some spare change, an extra set of gloves and old coat-something Do what you can to help make this holiday season and this bitter cold a little bit better for someone. 

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