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Dan's Top 5 Drunken Moments 🍻


In the spirit of the New Year, I present to you my top 5 drunken moments.
Some of them are hilarious, some of them are odd and some of them are a bit worrying.
Either way, it makes for a great time and I've had help piecing these 
things together by people who saw me on Skype doing these outrageous things.

1. INTOXICATED BELLYBUTTON 
This wonderful tale takes place in the early spring. Peaches was here and I was having 
a few drinks to celebrate. A few drinks, a hash cookie. I could do anything. Everything
was hilarious. I couldn’t take anything seriously. Now, I’ve had my bellybutton pierced for
a while now and asked Peaches what she thought about it, especially since she wasn’t too
keen on my other piercings, or piercings in general. Then I had a great idea. I’d pierced tonnes
of people before, I’ll do her. Now. „Are you sure about this?“ My laughter only seemed
to intoxicate me more. „Yeah.“ I pulled out my piercing needles and got a clean piece of belly
jewellery out. (Yes, it was a piece out of the packaging, no one had been pierced with the needle
nor had anyone worn the belly gem.) 
I held her down on my bed and told her to hold still. I’d pierced with the clamp before since it’s
so much more helpful, but this time I was flying high-literally. I took a jab at her and she screamed.
The scream scared the fuck out of me andI fell onto of her. I stumbled off her after a few moments and continued. I picked up the needle and slid it into her. I just couldn’t do it the whole way. Something told
me that it was wrong, but another voice said, „Just do it twat.“ So I pierced it through and then fumbled with the jewellery. The room was starting to spin and I kept on doing shots. Peaches didn’t seem too worried about it until I jammed the jewellery into the hole. A dribble of blood trickled out of her.And I licked it off. And nursed my final nightcap after pulling everything out of her. It just didn’t suit her. I couldn’t do anything right, being so drunk and high. 
The only reason I’m ale to share this story is because Peaches recanted the entire story to me the next
afternoon after I’d slept anything off. We still look back and laugh at it, despite the fact I could have
hurt her trying to pierce her in that state. 

2. BECOME ONE WITH THE EARTH
This happened not long after the piercing incident. My depression had worsened and I was using alcohol rather heavily to try and elevate it. I wanted to be out of my body, I wanted to be out of my mind, I drank an entire bottle of mudslides and an entire bottle of wine. Something within me clicked. I was listening to Tokio Hotel’s Feel It all  (off the album Kings of Suburbia, I’m selling an autographed one btw. You can message me for all the details)I just wanted to feel it all. I NEEDED TO GEEL IT ALL I needed to feel the grass…I needed to feel the Earth on me. 
Only that would cool the fire burning inside. Thankfully it was around midnight as this spark took root in me and engulfed me. I stripped off all my clothes and ran out into the back garden dancing with the moonlight. After about 5 minutes of so I threw myself on the ground and attempted to swim through the grass. I rolled around rubbing grass and bits of dirt all over me. I was 
screaming with laughter and for some reason, it was partially arousing. „I AM ONE WITH THE EARTH!“ „I FEEL IT ALL! I REALLY FEEL IT ALL. MAKE LOVE TO ME MOTHER NATURE, I AM READY FOR YOU!!“ Then Peaches called out to me that aliens were coming to get me because I stand out so much and was perfectly „dressed“ for an anal probe. My scream of terror echoed through the neighbourhood. „THEY’RE NOT GONNA TAKE ME AGAIN!“ I fled into the house and soon after fell asleep in a puddle of drool.
(Peaches filled in all the details as she happened to be watching this entire display.  She told me that I looked like a ghost in the night and I stood out brighter than the stars. She once told me that she will never get the image of my pale arse illuminated by the moonlight out of her head. I don’t know why she’d wanna think about my arse, but whatever. Her brain, her problem.) 

3. PANTS OFF! 
It was late spring and my mates and I had been drinking at a posh hotel one of them was staying at. 
Things got out of hand, as they often do when we get together and we found ourselves slumping and stuttering, racing under the streets of London, jumping on and off trains. Eventually we found ourselves at Canary Wharf in central London. Whilst we all were seeing on the side of the tube station, a brilliant idea was born. I was challenged to take my pants off without taking off my leggings. Challenge accepted. It was harder than I thought, not really having control over my motor functions. First I pulled down one side of my pants, with my leggings still up, then slipped them over
my foot. One down, one to go. I did the same with the other side and soon I was whooping and running through the streets waving my pants like some sort of victory flag.  I felt freer than I had in ages. It felt like I could do anything. They power was mine. No one else could say they managed that. Pete tried but fell over on his third attempt. I don't know what happened with the other guys. I can't remember. It's kind of just a black swirl there as I was picking Pete up and was laughing. I didn’t bother to try and put them back on. I’m not even sure what happened with them.
I might have out them in someone’s pocket, stuffed them in a bin or I might have even lost them in the station somewhere. If anyone has seen a black pair of pants with a golden trim and a skull on the front, they are mine. I’d gladly collect them-

4. THE WHITE CARPET 
Before we start this one, here’s a reminder to never consume coloured alcohol near or on a white carpet. That should have been a no-brainer, but for me, it was a scary and stupid moment. I had a bottle and a half of vodka and I’m not that big on drinking it straight, so I mixed into some red coloured punch. I drank and drank until my head felt disconnected from my neck. Everything
and everyone was funny. I danced around singing to my favourite songs until I’d finally reached my threshold. I shouldn’t have tried to drink all of it, but with the sweet flavour of the punch dimming out the taste of the alcohol I didn’t really think about it. I had a section of white carpet and a white floor mat in my bathroom. One minute I was swirling around thinking I was Rocket Man and the next I was thinking I was going to vomit my lungs out. My stomach was cramping, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was panicking. I had to vomit. There was nothing stopping that train. I stumbled into the hallway in an attempt to make it to the toilet before the dam broke. I made it half way. A river of red erupted out of me and covered part of the floor. I crawled through it to reach the toilet, leaving hand and knee marks. It was warm and smelled sort of like floor cleaner. It was sickly sweet smelling too. It kept coming up. All over the floor mat, all over the toilet, the floor. I laid there just having everything empty out of me. I thought I was going to die. I’d stop breathing or my stomach would rupture or my throat would tear. I laid in the sick, having fell asleep sometime during the flood. I woke up, my face and right arm stained a violent red. My hair was hard and sticky. I saw the red and thought that I had been vomiting blood. I freaked out and was embarrassed and was scared. I couldn’t think. I sat against the wall, in a state of shock. After a while, I followed the trail of red to my bedroom. I saw how much it was. If that was blood, I’d probably be dead or still unconscious. I sniffed it. Memories from the previous night crept into my veins and my head began to ache. It was sick I’d been laying in. I had to pull up the carpet and toss the floor mat out, I knew there was no way that I’d be able to scrub that clean. I had a gun metal grey carpet but in the following week. After cleaning I took a long shower, put on my sunglasses and jimjams and fell into bed with only one thought. There isn’t enough aspirin in the world to cure this headache. 

5. THE X-FILES 
I don't know why I ever thought drinking and watching the X-Files would be a great idea. Having a beer or two, relaxing with it is one thing, but this time I didn't have a few beers I was doing ginger ale and absinthe shooters. I always loose track of how much absinthe I've had until it's too late, which is often dangerous due to its alcohol content. Either way, I'd had about 12 of them, maybe 11, it's still rather fuzzy, and I became convinced that Mulder and Scully were real and everything that was happening was true life. I was watching a documentary on these FBI agents that were out trying to expose the corruption of the American government and had proof of monsters, psychic abilities and extraterrestrial life. I was shaken. I rang one of my mates and was like, "They're real. It's happening. Put on your tinfoil hat and come round to mine." She was like "What the fuck are you talking about? It's 2.30 in the morning and you're talking about fashion headgear?" "Nooo. The aliens, they're coming. Mulder and Scully know and they've told me to get word out. They've shared with me the secrets." "Mulder and Scully, eh? And what year is it?" "1995. Why?" "Well, here in 2016, we still haven't seen any." "WHAT? THEY LIE! THE MEDIA LIES!!" "How many cocktails have you had?" "A few...a fewish." "Well, when you come back to this year, I'll tell you all about the magic of television." "Well..okay, I can wait for you. Just don't get your brain sucked out. And watch out for the Mothman, he's been hanging around lately." 
As the sun peeked up the next morning, she let herself in and woke me up. "You okay, my time traveller?" "My head hurts." "Did the aliens massage your brain?" "Could have." "Is that why you tapped bin bags all over your windows?" "Yeah...make the job a tad harder, I guess." "Then why'd you leave your door unlocked?" I set my head on my knees. "I did it again, didn't I?" "Yeah. But at least this time you didn't run out with just a tie and boxers on with a toy gun saying 'I've got your back Mulder!' All in all, that was pretty funny, though." 

 Have a drinking story of your own? I'd love to hear it! :D 

And after every drunken moment, I always say, "I'm never drinking again." 
This isn't a "new year, new me" kind of thing either. It's just a little fun thing
to share with you guys. Stay thirsty, blog readers. 🍻
Oh, and don't try any of this shit on your own. 


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