What A Difference A Day Makes
It feels as if my reality is shattering.
Pieces of the past are stabbing into me and are ripping holes in my consciousness.
Pieces of the past are stabbing into me and are ripping holes in my consciousness.
Sometimes they are just bursts of colour and light, sometimes they are accompanied by scents.
And I'm always left with the desire to go back. I want to tear open a hole in this reality and step into the past, breathing it all in once again.
I'm wanting to escape. Both consciously and subconsciously I am looking for a way to run away from all that is happening. I don't know how to deal with it and the anxiety is tearing me apart. I don't even know how to put everything into words. The child in me is scared and alone, while the adult in me wants to push forward with determination, yet is also riddled with self-consciousness.
Memories of early fall and Christmases have been racing through me, infecting me. The longing to return is almost overwhelming. The warmth the memories provide me is also unreal. The old fireplace, swinging so high I thought I would disappear into the clouds I'm picking apples and they're so juicy and sweet, unwrapping Christmas gifts. Then it cuts to spring and summer. I'm swinging around a lamppost, there are mountains in the distance. I'm eating a strawberry ice-cream cone. It's cold and sweet against my immense I feel emmense joy...I'm building a bird house with my classmates.... The innocence of each memory makes me want to sob. What's happened? Why did I turn out this way? What did I do that was so wrong? Then I remember all my fuckups and I realise that this is entirely my fault. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to do a lot of the things I did. The guilt is sometimes crippling and not even sleep can erase what it does to me. I wonder if there is any way to escape the way I feel.
Memories of early fall and Christmases have been racing through me, infecting me. The longing to return is almost overwhelming. The warmth the memories provide me is also unreal. The old fireplace, swinging so high I thought I would disappear into the clouds I'm picking apples and they're so juicy and sweet, unwrapping Christmas gifts. Then it cuts to spring and summer. I'm swinging around a lamppost, there are mountains in the distance. I'm eating a strawberry ice-cream cone. It's cold and sweet against my immense I feel emmense joy...I'm building a bird house with my classmates.... The innocence of each memory makes me want to sob. What's happened? Why did I turn out this way? What did I do that was so wrong? Then I remember all my fuckups and I realise that this is entirely my fault. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to do a lot of the things I did. The guilt is sometimes crippling and not even sleep can erase what it does to me. I wonder if there is any way to escape the way I feel.
I am me. A brother, a sister. A lover, a fighter. A friend, a foe. Adventurous, fearful Passionate, emotionless. Beautiful, faceless. Healthy, ill. A creator, a destroyer. I am.
And I could relate to 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'. No matter what I did, I always needed more and more. Nothing was ever enough. I always thought that 'If I had that' or 'I need that' and then they would be my friend. Then my parents would love me. Then I would fit in. I was trying to fill the hole inside with everything I could get my hands on. I read the book when I was a child and I didn't understand. It was just a funny story about a hungry bug. But that's not it. It's about change. We all consume and change. Even from birth to death, fuck even before we're born. I've lived a life of complete consumption and it's destroyed me. But at the time you're going through this, you never notice it. You can't look outside, can you? Or do you just choose not to? Does it really matter if the result is the same?
Some days, you just have to breathe. That's it, innit? Finding the balance that you need, not the one anyone else needs. It's about courage and strength to pick up pieces and continue on. There will always be hurdles and challenges in life, the key is to push through them. Yes, be sad or devastated at them, but find something that makes you want to try. It could be a someone who makes you want to try. It doesn't really matter who or what drives you, it's only important that you are driving.
And it's through Phillip that I'm able to embrace this outlook and incorporate this into my recovery, my life and my being. I will remain eternally thankful to him; even when my shell has decayed and my presence lingers in only the corners of the world, it shall be the encouragement that he instilled in me that echoes out to others.
And I could relate to 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'. No matter what I did, I always needed more and more. Nothing was ever enough. I always thought that 'If I had that' or 'I need that' and then they would be my friend. Then my parents would love me. Then I would fit in. I was trying to fill the hole inside with everything I could get my hands on. I read the book when I was a child and I didn't understand. It was just a funny story about a hungry bug. But that's not it. It's about change. We all consume and change. Even from birth to death, fuck even before we're born. I've lived a life of complete consumption and it's destroyed me. But at the time you're going through this, you never notice it. You can't look outside, can you? Or do you just choose not to? Does it really matter if the result is the same?
Some days, you just have to breathe. That's it, innit? Finding the balance that you need, not the one anyone else needs. It's about courage and strength to pick up pieces and continue on. There will always be hurdles and challenges in life, the key is to push through them. Yes, be sad or devastated at them, but find something that makes you want to try. It could be a someone who makes you want to try. It doesn't really matter who or what drives you, it's only important that you are driving.
And it's through Phillip that I'm able to embrace this outlook and incorporate this into my recovery, my life and my being. I will remain eternally thankful to him; even when my shell has decayed and my presence lingers in only the corners of the world, it shall be the encouragement that he instilled in me that echoes out to others.
"It's kind of easy when you've got nothing. Because nothing can be taken away from you."
-Chris Miles
For me, this blog is just another way for me to express my life, experiences, emotions. Everything. It's not just about sharing things, it's wanting to have a memory of things. It's wanting to connect with people-those like me, those different from me. I'm going to start adding more to my YouTube Channel just so I can try a new visual medium. If you like it, awesome! Subscribe and thumbs up the stuff you like. Be sure to share you own YouTube Channels so I can subscribe back if I like your content!
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