1975: Dickhead In White Faux-Leather
It's was warmer than average for mid-October,
but we hadn't a care in the world.
Rich reds, honey golds and passionate orange colours
danced upon our skin as we made our way down the walking
path.
A group of us decided to have one final adventure before the
warms of spring and summer became a distant memory and
cold and ice tinged razor winds dominated us. He and I had
broken up six months ago and this was the first day I laid
eyes on him since that fateful morning. Truthfully, I didn't want
to see him but I was curious to see if he'd changed in any way.
There were two cabins surrounded by the foliage and behind them
a rushing river that sparkled in the late autumn sunlight as we
approached the cabins. One was for the girls, the other was for the boys.
We divided our numbers and went into claim our spaces and set up our
bunks before cooking dinner. I claimed a space near the kitchen, that way
I could gaze up through the skylight when sleep evaded me. My long hair
was wavy, the deep brown of it highlighted by golden tints. And I thought
of him. How he'd run his fingers through it before he'd kiss me. I remembered
the way he'd rub my thighs and the way the butterflies used to captivate me as
we connected mind and body.
It was a lovely light out, warm with only a hint of cool. We decided
to cook outside over a fire that night, just enjoy each other's company
and share our favourite memories of summer. He sat across from me, occasionally
looking up to try and catch my eye. I wouldn't let him have it. I made the soup and handed
it out with Rosin handed out supper buns we'd made the evening before we departed.
He gave me that cheeky, sweet smile that I used to fall for, but I didn't let it get to me.
It had no more power over me. I'd met someone new. Someone who really lived up to
his namesake.
As the stars blossomed into the night sky, we handed out bits of chocolate, took our shoes
off and gazed upwards. We chattered amongst ourselves, the girls talking about constellations,
the boys talking about what it would be like to see the stars up close. I remained silent-thinking
of all the times he held me on nights like these. And what they often turned into. Thankfully, the fire
illuminated my face with it's colour so no one would see the pink twinge upon my cheeks. I was relieved when his brother stretched, stood up and said that he thought it was time that we all turned
in, that way we could get a decent start on the hike tomorrow.
Tom led everyone to the cabin, whilst I poured water over the fire. By the time I was satisfied that
the fire was out, Jess was already asleep, her glasses still on. I slid them off her and placed them on the night table and looked around. Rosin and Bri were asleep back to back and Paula was curled up in a ball snoring. I went to my bunk and laid there. 'Why did I have to agree to this? If Tom was going
he would surely be going...Oh, how I miss P right now..what I couldn't give to be buried in his chest.." Drifting to sleep with those thoughts in mind, I had an almost dreamless sleep.
I was late waking up so I didn't bother with breakfast. I slipped into my short, black sundress, tied up my trainers and dashed outside with my bag to ensure I didn't miss the hike. He was leaning against the cabin smoking. He saw me and offered me one. I told him no, that I'd quit. Curiosity filled his amber irises. I didn't want to tell him more. I knew he'd turn it into some kind of joke.
"Let's go!" Tom yelled out to everyone, heading up the line, followed closely by Petey and Nick. I'll
hang back with Bri and catch up. We haven't seen each other in ages. As we walked along, I was captivated by the gentle and stark beauty of the wilderness and plains that surrounded us. The river twisted through the golden reeds, the air was cool and fresh. Something you don't always get living in a city. Bri told me that she was pregnant and was engaged to be married in a few months time before she really started to show. I hugged her and told her I was so happy for her, but inside I was crumbling. It felt like she, the youngest of us, was achieving a life milestone...I didn't know where my current relationship was heading, and I knew how my last one ended. I told her to go on ahead I just needed to rest for a moment, I was still tired from the trip up last night. She smiled and walked on so carefree. The sunflowers on her dress rippling around her..
I wasn't alone for more than five minutes before he came back to see if I was alright. I didn't
know how to answer what he asked me. He offered his inked hand to me, his leather bracelet softer than ever. "It won't bite." "You said that before." "I've done a lot of thinking about what you said the day you left. I've also done a lot of thinking on what a right arsehole I'd been to you. It wasn't right." Trembling, I took his hand in my own tattooed hand. "See?" He said gentlly. He was right. It was just as warm as I'd remembered it to me. "Let's make this little stroll about us." We swung our hands together as we talked far behind, the echoes of the group's chatter danced ahead of us. "I've missed this." I whispered to him. He looked down at me. "I always wondered why, why it had to end the way it did. Why we did the things we did. Maybe on the surface, we were a perfect match, but as we delved deeper we just weren't compatible." He nodded.
"Care to erase that final memory with something good? Something that you always wanted,
but I was too selfish to ever give you?" "What would that be?" "A moment of romance where
I'm completely honest with you. Just you and I...you remember the way we collided, the passion,
the sweat. Let's do it honest and true, just one more time, so that you can have a pure moment
of happiness with me." He swept me off my feet before I had time to answer him. He laid me down in the tall grass and took his shirt off before straddling me. He slipped my dress over my head and laid a long trail of kisses along my tattooed breasts. It felt so right, it felt so wrong. I needed that moment.
I needed something to prove that the entire experience, relationship, whatever it was with him wasn't all evil. I kissed his collarbones in the old, familiar way while he slipped my knickers off. He ran his fingers through my hair and whispered to me to remove his jeans. I did, sultry and seductively. Why wouldn't it have always been like this?
"I want you." I moaned in his ear. He kissed my clit before moving up to kiss my lips. "Your wish is my command." He slid into me, filling me completely. I wrapped my arms around his neck and moved in a slow, passionate movement, kissing and only occasionally breaking for breath. I bit his nipple and he bit mine. "I've forgotten how deep you are....and how deeply you feel." He muttered as he pulled out of me and began to nibble on my hips. "So luscious, so soft."
This continued on for hours, never losing steam. We realised it was getting late, so we pulled out clothes on and he kissed my throat one last time. We headed back to the cabins, swinging our hands together. I was euphoric. No one asked us where we had been because the giggles and looks on everyone's faces told us they already knew. I didn't know what it all meant. What about the guy I'm mental for? Did it mean that he wanted me back? I needed to think. I walked out behind the cabin
while everyone prepped dinner. I thought of that whirlwind day of sex and passion...then I heard his
voice. "And she just fell right back into me. It was like nothing changed." Tom muttered something in disapproval that I couldn't quite make out. "Why would you do that?" "To see if she still was as stupid
as before. It was fun, I shagged her rotten all day. And I think I can pull her back." I lost my temper.
"Why? So you can fuck me again? And laugh at it with your mates? Because I'm nothing to you? You're the one who's nothing. You're void of any soul, any being. You're a monster." And then I woke up.
Why was it so detailed and vivid? Why? Anyone have any thoughts on that?
The only thing that was different about the dream is that I had long hair.
Other than that both he and I still had all our piercings and tattoos. Nothing
had changed. And during the entire time with him, I did have short hair. Except
for the two or three times, I added in extensions in for photo shoots. I don't know
what all of this means. I know I don't want him back. There is someone else I'm
completely enmeshed with. He's sweet and gentle, he's got a calm nature. When I
look into the rich layers of colour in his eyes, I see nothing but honesty. I see his passion,
his woes and his determination to never be destroyed again. That's who I want,
not the one who chronically betrayed me and used me for some of the cruellest jokes imaginable.
broken up six months ago and this was the first day I laid
eyes on him since that fateful morning. Truthfully, I didn't want
to see him but I was curious to see if he'd changed in any way.
There were two cabins surrounded by the foliage and behind them
a rushing river that sparkled in the late autumn sunlight as we
approached the cabins. One was for the girls, the other was for the boys.
We divided our numbers and went into claim our spaces and set up our
bunks before cooking dinner. I claimed a space near the kitchen, that way
I could gaze up through the skylight when sleep evaded me. My long hair
was wavy, the deep brown of it highlighted by golden tints. And I thought
of him. How he'd run his fingers through it before he'd kiss me. I remembered
the way he'd rub my thighs and the way the butterflies used to captivate me as
we connected mind and body.
It was a lovely light out, warm with only a hint of cool. We decided
to cook outside over a fire that night, just enjoy each other's company
and share our favourite memories of summer. He sat across from me, occasionally
looking up to try and catch my eye. I wouldn't let him have it. I made the soup and handed
it out with Rosin handed out supper buns we'd made the evening before we departed.
He gave me that cheeky, sweet smile that I used to fall for, but I didn't let it get to me.
It had no more power over me. I'd met someone new. Someone who really lived up to
his namesake.
As the stars blossomed into the night sky, we handed out bits of chocolate, took our shoes
off and gazed upwards. We chattered amongst ourselves, the girls talking about constellations,
the boys talking about what it would be like to see the stars up close. I remained silent-thinking
of all the times he held me on nights like these. And what they often turned into. Thankfully, the fire
illuminated my face with it's colour so no one would see the pink twinge upon my cheeks. I was relieved when his brother stretched, stood up and said that he thought it was time that we all turned
in, that way we could get a decent start on the hike tomorrow.
Tom led everyone to the cabin, whilst I poured water over the fire. By the time I was satisfied that
the fire was out, Jess was already asleep, her glasses still on. I slid them off her and placed them on the night table and looked around. Rosin and Bri were asleep back to back and Paula was curled up in a ball snoring. I went to my bunk and laid there. 'Why did I have to agree to this? If Tom was going
he would surely be going...Oh, how I miss P right now..what I couldn't give to be buried in his chest.." Drifting to sleep with those thoughts in mind, I had an almost dreamless sleep.
I was late waking up so I didn't bother with breakfast. I slipped into my short, black sundress, tied up my trainers and dashed outside with my bag to ensure I didn't miss the hike. He was leaning against the cabin smoking. He saw me and offered me one. I told him no, that I'd quit. Curiosity filled his amber irises. I didn't want to tell him more. I knew he'd turn it into some kind of joke.
"Let's go!" Tom yelled out to everyone, heading up the line, followed closely by Petey and Nick. I'll
hang back with Bri and catch up. We haven't seen each other in ages. As we walked along, I was captivated by the gentle and stark beauty of the wilderness and plains that surrounded us. The river twisted through the golden reeds, the air was cool and fresh. Something you don't always get living in a city. Bri told me that she was pregnant and was engaged to be married in a few months time before she really started to show. I hugged her and told her I was so happy for her, but inside I was crumbling. It felt like she, the youngest of us, was achieving a life milestone...I didn't know where my current relationship was heading, and I knew how my last one ended. I told her to go on ahead I just needed to rest for a moment, I was still tired from the trip up last night. She smiled and walked on so carefree. The sunflowers on her dress rippling around her..
I wasn't alone for more than five minutes before he came back to see if I was alright. I didn't
know how to answer what he asked me. He offered his inked hand to me, his leather bracelet softer than ever. "It won't bite." "You said that before." "I've done a lot of thinking about what you said the day you left. I've also done a lot of thinking on what a right arsehole I'd been to you. It wasn't right." Trembling, I took his hand in my own tattooed hand. "See?" He said gentlly. He was right. It was just as warm as I'd remembered it to me. "Let's make this little stroll about us." We swung our hands together as we talked far behind, the echoes of the group's chatter danced ahead of us. "I've missed this." I whispered to him. He looked down at me. "I always wondered why, why it had to end the way it did. Why we did the things we did. Maybe on the surface, we were a perfect match, but as we delved deeper we just weren't compatible." He nodded.
"Care to erase that final memory with something good? Something that you always wanted,
but I was too selfish to ever give you?" "What would that be?" "A moment of romance where
I'm completely honest with you. Just you and I...you remember the way we collided, the passion,
the sweat. Let's do it honest and true, just one more time, so that you can have a pure moment
of happiness with me." He swept me off my feet before I had time to answer him. He laid me down in the tall grass and took his shirt off before straddling me. He slipped my dress over my head and laid a long trail of kisses along my tattooed breasts. It felt so right, it felt so wrong. I needed that moment.
I needed something to prove that the entire experience, relationship, whatever it was with him wasn't all evil. I kissed his collarbones in the old, familiar way while he slipped my knickers off. He ran his fingers through my hair and whispered to me to remove his jeans. I did, sultry and seductively. Why wouldn't it have always been like this?
"I want you." I moaned in his ear. He kissed my clit before moving up to kiss my lips. "Your wish is my command." He slid into me, filling me completely. I wrapped my arms around his neck and moved in a slow, passionate movement, kissing and only occasionally breaking for breath. I bit his nipple and he bit mine. "I've forgotten how deep you are....and how deeply you feel." He muttered as he pulled out of me and began to nibble on my hips. "So luscious, so soft."
This continued on for hours, never losing steam. We realised it was getting late, so we pulled out clothes on and he kissed my throat one last time. We headed back to the cabins, swinging our hands together. I was euphoric. No one asked us where we had been because the giggles and looks on everyone's faces told us they already knew. I didn't know what it all meant. What about the guy I'm mental for? Did it mean that he wanted me back? I needed to think. I walked out behind the cabin
while everyone prepped dinner. I thought of that whirlwind day of sex and passion...then I heard his
voice. "And she just fell right back into me. It was like nothing changed." Tom muttered something in disapproval that I couldn't quite make out. "Why would you do that?" "To see if she still was as stupid
as before. It was fun, I shagged her rotten all day. And I think I can pull her back." I lost my temper.
"Why? So you can fuck me again? And laugh at it with your mates? Because I'm nothing to you? You're the one who's nothing. You're void of any soul, any being. You're a monster." And then I woke up.
Why was it so detailed and vivid? Why? Anyone have any thoughts on that?
The only thing that was different about the dream is that I had long hair.
Other than that both he and I still had all our piercings and tattoos. Nothing
had changed. And during the entire time with him, I did have short hair. Except
for the two or three times, I added in extensions in for photo shoots. I don't know
what all of this means. I know I don't want him back. There is someone else I'm
completely enmeshed with. He's sweet and gentle, he's got a calm nature. When I
look into the rich layers of colour in his eyes, I see nothing but honesty. I see his passion,
his woes and his determination to never be destroyed again. That's who I want,
not the one who chronically betrayed me and used me for some of the cruellest jokes imaginable.
Which has led me to this notion:
Is living through a memory the only way to dodge the unrealistic
expectations of those around me? It this the only way that I can
hide my longings and crippling fears? To fade away into a sort
of empty consciousness...My mind shatters into pieces and I'm
always left with the nagging question of why. I want to explore that
psychedelic plane of existence I experienced almost 2 years ago. I've
tried to return to that state, but it never seems possible. Did it even
happen? Was it just the drugs? Or was it the complete crumbling of the
last grains of my sanity? I fear I will never have the answers and that I
will spend the rest of my time in this plane of existence digging through the
sands, trying to reach that state of being that I never will be able to again.
The world around us is either too fast or too slow.
And yes, I am aware that Nights in White Satin by Moody Blues
came out far earlier than '75. It was released in the autumn of '67.
It's a rather interesting number and I was drawn to it when I first
heard it whilst watching that tremendously dreadful film. "Dark Shadows".
LINKS:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AnjaAbsinthe/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ichliebebillah
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ichliebebillah
I'll be launching something cool soon, so stay tuned for all the latest information and links!
I've revealed one thing already but it's not available until the full launch!
LINKS:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AnjaAbsinthe/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ichliebebillah
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ichliebebillah
I'll be launching something cool soon, so stay tuned for all the latest information and links!
I've revealed one thing already but it's not available until the full launch!
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