Adventures in Psychopharmacology

Hey, Guys! 

Today, I'd like to talk to you guys about my recent meeting with my new doctor. She specialises in psychopharmacology and works with the therapist that I see regularly. It was rather interesting, to be honest. When I left her office. I was laden down with tablets. I was given four different prescriptions in addition to the three others I was taking before. I think if I emptied all of them onto the floor, I could swim in the little river. I was given a huge amount, literally, which I find interesting as they all come with warnings except for one, that says may cause depression in teens and young adults. 25 makes me a young adult, I think...But the key thing here is, I have a history of extreme depression, suicidal thoughts and quite a few attempts on my life. Well, gotta temp the snake to get through the gate. don't you? 

She introduced herself as Kimberly and addressed me by the name on my chart. My skin crawled. She noticed that I wasn't too thrilled about that, so she asked me, "What do you want to be called." "Just call me Dan. Everyone else does it." "Are you gender confused? Transgendered?" "I'm something else entirely. We'll go over that if we have time to after we do this med check thingie. But, since you're eager, I'll throw you a crumb. I think my name doesn't reflect me, it holds me back and is boring." "Fair enough." She settled herself behind her desk and told me to take a seat on the couch. 

She read through my files and she was shocked to see that I was on 100mg of Fluoxetine currently and no mood stabiliser, as I'm bipolar and have BPD coupled with that. She looked up at me occasionally taking little notes for herself before she focused her attention completely on me. "I've got a few questions here for you." "Yes?" My eyes glittered with excitement and curiosity. Modern psychology and psychopharmacology had done little for me in the 6 years I've been fully engaged in it. "How many times have you attempted suicide?" "Well, the ones I got caught for 4." "How do you mean?" "I'm only counting the times I got caught and was sent to hospital. The rest are for me to know only." "Um...okay, but you're going to have to tell me sometimes." I offered her a small, shy smile, knowing full well I'll never tell. I don't need this woman with power to think I'm a full on nutter and lock me away in a high tower where no one can get to me. That shit is for beautiful princesses and I most certainly am not one of them.  "You're awfully happy today. Are you high? Have you taken an illegal substance?" What kind of fucking question is that? If I was high, I wouldn't tell her. I'm not going down for something as insignificant as a little chemical fun! But no, I wasn't actually high. I had more than enough shit to do and anyway, I've got someone to focus on right now. "Nope, just enjoying the day and someone I really fancy." She scooted closer to me. "Details?" I looked at her. "What are we? Girlfriends here?" She slid back. "Understood." "It's not that I don't want to tell you it's just that we have a lot to accomplish here today." She brightened up almost instantly. "That we do." 

"Tell me more about your struggles. I want to hear it from you, not from your weekly therapist." Oh, fuck. I don't know what to say! I didn't know that I would be on a Psych version of Family Feud! 

"I've got horrible mood swings throughout the day. The smallest thing can throw me off balance. A simple annoyance can turn into full on rage. Or the smallest comment can dump me into suicidal thoughts. I'm anxious pretty much all the time. I constantly worry. I can't handle it when the phone rings, it's like a spike of adrenaline courses through me, followed by intense worry and dread. Most days I feel worthless, sad and corrupt. I feel that I don't deserve basic human needs because no one's ever really treated me like a human or like I was really important in any way." I thought that would be the end of our little chat after I was given the Buspirone. Nope. She had a few more magic tablets that she wanted to give me. 

"That sounds completely horrible...and now I know why your file says certain things about you." That's sparked my curiosity. "Can I see?" "Later." I knew she was looking for a reaction, so I just decided to smile and say "Okay, I understand. Maybe next time, eh?" She offered a cryptic smile and said, "Maybe." Which I knew translated to 'No fucking way.' "So, you're therapist mentioned that you've been having difficulty sleeping? Staying up for almost 20 hours each day and this has been going on for a month or so." "Yes. Sometimes I don't even sleep...Sleep is my only escape from the horror show inside my head." That last bit got away from me. "So in addition to the first one, I'd like to give you another pill to take, buspirone. You'll need to follow all the instructions I leave for you, but it can get a tad confusing sometimes. Ring me if you have any questions." Oh, neato. "Isn't this used to treat to treat epileptics?" "Yes, but it can be helpful as a mood stabiliser in patients who have bipolar depression like you have." " I don't want anything that will make me gain weight." The words are out faster that lightening. "Oh, these won't. They have no metabolic side effects." I sigh. "That's a relief the lithium I was on was never monitored, no one called me in for tests and when I asked they said they'd get to me. Meanwhile, I gained weight and got so sick. It made me completely miserable." She looks down at the file. "It says a history of bulimia. Is that what caused it?" "No, I was doing that long before the lithium, for a completely different reason. We can get to that at our next meeting if you want." I knew she'd eat that up like candy. "Would you really?" "Yes." But I won't talk about what's going on now." Admit the past and deny the present. 

"I'm going to give you another antidepressant. It will also help you with sleep. It's called Trazodone. " "I know all about that. I'd been on that before. I just never came back to get more. I went on tour, then I moved and then was homeless. A lot of shit going on. I used to take 300mg of it." "Well, that's what I'll put you on. You know how to build up to that level during the first week." Just like that? More dangerous tablets for me to play with after what we just talked about? Ah, stupidity. This time it's my blessing. "I look forward to seeing you next month!" "And I you." Weighed down by the conversation and tablets, I slid out the door and made my way home.

The next time I see Kim, I'll do an update on that and what's changed and everything like that. I have the feeling it might be a little more interesting than this. So the dosage stands at this:
Buspirone: 30mg per day (one in morning, one in evening) 

Oxcarbazepine 600mg (300 in morning, 300 in evening)
Trazodone 300mg per night.

So far, I'm feeling a little bit better, but who knows? I kinda really want diazepam. I was on that before for almost 2 years. I loved the way it made me feel, I could create, I could swirl through the 

stars and I had more control over me that I would in a manic state. Could I get it again? Probably. 

She knows I was on it in the past because I told her...might bring that up next meeting, drop a hint or two. And I've got therapy tomorrow so the Delectables with Dan may be a bit later than usual,

seeing how I have an hour session and it takes me about a half hour to get back to my house. 

There will be a new Delectables with Dan later tonight too! :D
Thank you all for understanding why it's not right away today.