Wil & Friends Previews 1

Since so many of you are enjoying the Happiness & Homicide previews on here I've decided to share some of the spin-off series, well actually the original series that started it all off, Wil & Friends. These are little snippets from Wil & Friends that are my favourite. Some of them will be featured in Happiness & Homicide or will stay within the Wil & Friends series. I'm not sure yet. Enjoy. 

Nick comes through the door with breakneck speed. „Wil! I’m so sorry. I just heard your father was brought to hospital. We should go see him. Give you a chance to patch things up in case it's serious. Which hospital is he at?“ I don’t even bother to look up from my comic book. „Dickhead General.“ „Is that near Charing Cross?“ I look up, my face contorted with disgust. „Nick, you’re a fuckin’ moron.“ „What’s that supposed to mean?“ He scratches his head. I turn around and face him. „He’s at Dickhead General.“ I repeat, slower. „Yeah, I know. Do you wanna go or not?“ „It’s not a real fuckin’ place you nitwit!!“ I throw my comic book at him. „Hey, hey! Don’t get physical with me because I didn’t know!“ I roll my eyes. „Has your IQ dropped by 10 points recently?“ „Not that I know of.“ „Then you must have sustained a head injury that’s left you mentally impaired. Come on, Nick. Why would anyone name a hospital that?“ „You would.“ I open my mouth to argue but then close it. A satisfied smirk makes its way across my face. „Thanks for that. Now, come. We’ll get waffles for a reward.“ „But what about your dad?“ „Eh, fuck him.“ „I won’t do that.“ „Always with the literal, are we?“ I pat him on the head. 

....

Nick’s decided that I need something to relax me since he’s deemed me too angry. „What are we going to do?“ I ask, wiping the sleep out of my eyes. „You’ll see.“ „You woke me up at 7.00 on a Sunday morning for this?“ „You don’t even know what ‚this‘ is.“ „I don’t have to. I already know that it’s going to suck.“ He comes so close to my face, he’s only a few cm away from me. „You know you wanna come.“ „Not in the way you think.“ I mutter as I push him away. „Wear something….upbeat.“ Is he talking to me? He should know by now that I don’t have anything that is the slightest. I select my 'Fuck Milk, Got Beer’ tee shirt and shut the closet door. „This will look so hot with bright red metallic leggings.“ 

I emerge from my room a few minutes later, ablaze with fashion-tastic glory. „That is what you’re wearing?“ Nick’s face falls. „Yeah.“ He looks crestfallen, but doesn’t say anything else. „I could run back in and dress like Madonna.“ He shakes his head. I follow him out the door. „Are we taking the tube?“ „No.“ He says, taking his car keys out of his pocket. „We’re driving.“ „I hate this car.“ „Why?“ „It’s a chick’s car.“ „A chick car? Cars don’t have genders!“ „I mean its a car that women drive.“ „Why do you say that?“ „‚Cause it’s a hybrid. Wait! This car is to get women! Its a pussy magnet!“ Nick rolls his eyes. „Only you would look at a Prius and say that.“ I take another glance at the car. „On second thought this is more of a dick detector.“ „I hate you.“ 

Nick places a red, green and yellow plaid hat on my head. „There. We’re all set.“ He stands back to admire his handiwork. „I’m not wearing this.“ „Please. Just for the first few holes. I want to blend in.“ „Blend in? What the fuck are we Navy Seals?“ „You choose what we do next weekend, Wil.“ 

„Goddamn it!“ I swing my club into the ball washer and water slashes everywhere. „Motherfucker!!“  „Oi you!“ I look over and see a large heavily bearded man making his way over to me. „Oh shit!“ I run over to Nick who’s about to take his swing. „We gotta go.“ „Not now, it’s my turn you cheater!“ „I wanna talk to you!!“ Nick glances back and sees the man. „What have you done now?!“ „Just get in the cart, Nick! I’ll explain later!“ We race to the cart and jump in. „Why you little-„ I crack the guy with my club. „What have you done?!“ Nick screams as the guy hits the grass.  

....

„Where the fuck is my Shredded Wheat?“ Nick looks up from the paper. „What?“ „My Shredded Wheat. My cereal.“ He shrugs. „I dunno. Maybe you ate it all.“ „I most certainly did not! Are you calling me fat?!“ „No!“ Nick begins to panic. „No, you’re not fat. You’re fine.“ I narrow my eyes. „I’m not a child, Nick. Tell me the truth right here and now or I will lose my shit, so help me God.“ „You’re normal. Not fat.“ I pull my shirt off. „Look at this! I’ve got tits the size of my mother’s!“ I begin to wail and Nick’s eyes grow wide with fear. „Your tits are fine! I mean, no you have spectacular pecks!“ „What about my gooey middle? Jesus Christ!“ „What does this have to do with cereal?!“ „It’s GONE! And you said I ate it all!“ „No, I didn’t! I just said-„ „YOU DID!“ I swing at Nick.

„Jesus Christ, the cereal!“ Nick cowers. Aaron walks in before I can take him apart piece by piece.

„What’s this about cereal?“ „This motherfucker ate my cereal and then had the balls to tell me I’m fat!“ „What cereal are you talking about?“ „Shredded Wheat.“  „Oh, the Shredded Wheat? Yeah, I ate that. I took a massive crap after.“ Nick and I both shudder. „That’s way too much information, Aaron.“ He narrows his eyes. „Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?“ Not wanting to talk to Aaron about my body image I gloss over it. „It’s my house. I do whatever the fuck I want.“ Aaron raises an eyebrow and looks over at Nick. „It’s true. He does.“ 

His eyes dart between the two of us. „There’s more going on here than just cereal.“ He rubs his chin. „You two fucking?“ I cough. „What?! Me fuck HIM?“ Nick gives me a shove. „What’s wrong with me?“ „Please, eh? I’m an easy 7.5. And you, you’re a solid 4.“ Aaron chuckles. „Who the fuck said you were a 7.5? Your mother?“ „It was your mother. She told me after I was done painting her white last weekend.“ Nick raises an eyebrow. „My mother? How do you know her?“ „She and I play bingo together at the lodge.“ „You did not fuck my mother.“ „I never said I did.“ „Isn’t that what ‚I painted her white‘ means?“ I shake my head. „No, it just means that I ejaculated all over her. She sucked me off and I finger banged her.“ Nick gags. „This is making me uncomfortable. You standing there with no shirt on. Him not wearing pants.“  „That’s making you uncomfortable? I just said I defiled your mother.“ „So? She’s a grown woman. What goes in, on our around her pussy is none of my business.“ „Right on.“  I put my shirt back on. „Spice Girls? Are you sure there isn’t anything between you two?“ „I’m sure. Now get the fuck out of my house.“ 

„Well, that was unexpected.“ Nick takes a sip of his coffee. „Don’t you have something else to say to me?“ I glare at him. Sensing my rage, Nick quickly says, „I’m sorry I implied you were fat. I never should have. I was insensitive to your feelings.“ „Damn, right. Motherfucker.“  „Are you going to eat something?“ „I’m dieting.“ „Like Karen Carpenter?“ Nick pulls away. „Sorry. That was inappropriate.“ 

.....

„That old guy who lives in the flat below us complained about the noise again.“ Nick says as he hands me a section of the paper. „The Benjamin Franklin lookin’ motherfucker?“ „Um. Yeah. Him.“ I open the paper. „What exactly did he say?“ „He said that your music was keeping him awake at night and was disturbing his missus.“ „ Meh. Anything else?“ „Yes. He said that painting that you’ve got in the lobby is deeply unsettling.“ „Which one?“ „The one of Rosie O’Donnell being choked to death by Bob Barker.“ „I’ll turn down the music, but the painting stays.“ „That’s generous of you.“ „Thanks.“ „What I mean is that it's out of your character and I want to know if you’re feeling alright.“ „Good morning, Pastulio!“ He slouches into the kitchen. Nick looks over at him. „Why on Earth is the dog wearing pyjamas?“ „We match.“ I lower the paper so Nick can see. „What is Sigur Ros? Is that some kind of cult?“ „Its an Icelandic band.“ Nick raises his eyebrows. „I didn’t know you spoke Icelandic.“ „I don’t. It's instrumental. Pastulio come to meeeee.“ He walks over and gives me slobbery kisses. Nick rolls his eyes. „Must we have this at the breakfast table?“  I stop kissing Pastulio and look over at Nick. „Yes. Now tongue kisses!!“ Nick pulls back in disgust and I bask in it. „Hungry?“ „Cheers. I’ll have some whole wheat toast and a full English.“ „I was talking to him.“ z

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If you guys like this and the numbers reflect that I'll post some other Wil & Friends previews/snippets! I'm not sure if I will ever turn Wil & Friends into a published book like I'm doing with Happiness & Homicide, but we'll see what the future holds!
Dickcember will continue as planned tomorrow, I hope. If not I'll have another sort of blog up. Not another literature one, maybe a Tattoo Talk Thursday in place of a Dickcember and do the Dickcember on Thursday. A lot of people don't realise how much work all this is! And I do this on top of my other job and things that I need to do. The bullshit never seems to end. I sit here and listen to the rants and raves knowing I will be forced to endure those who I loathe entirely later on. Maybe in the new year, they'll all drop dead and I'll be left the fuck alone for a while. Maybe Santa can fit that into his bag of tricks for me; fly over their homes like the Angel of Death. Ah, dare to dream. Until next time. 

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