DICKCEMBER: Gingerbread Brothel

Welcome back to another instalment of Dickcember!
I know, I know the last two weren't really explicit in nature and I hope that I made up for that, even if it was just a little bit, in the banter and other comments in the blog. Pork Chop and I are working with gingerbread again, but this time we'll be putting together a little gingerbread village! We'll be doing a brothel (or if you prefer, a cathouse), a sex shop, a place to live. And lastly, where would any village be without a good old-fashioned abortion clinic? We're going to say clinic just because I needed another building and it fits- well, I guess I could say sexual health clinic, that way we cover the treating of sexually transmitted infections. You know, health first. It's important. Especially this time of the year with all the eggnog and mistletoe. It's like the holiday season is one long perpetual stag-do as soon as the sun goes down. No? Is that just me? I don't know how the other half lives and I don't want to presume to know. 



Oh, bloody fucking hell. Are they serious with this shit? I have to break the gingerbread apart into the separate sections I'm going to need? I didn't know that I'd need a fucking degree in architecture to build this gingerbread village. I suppose it would have helped, but if I'd needed one they should have said so on the box. I'm going to have to use a knife to separate them. I guess all those years stabbing people is going to come in hand. What do you know? I guess everything is related to everything. Huh.



Let's see here it comes with a packet of icing. That's all the icing they give you? Jesus wept way to be a cheapskate. I'm going to use my regular icing tool, not the joke of a bag they give you. Right so let's start off with the simplest thing first, the little building. I'm going to build them all first, then decorate them later.

Firstly, I'm going to cut out all the pieces. Now that I've got that done, it's time to do some assembling. I'm going to start out with making the sex shop.  I'm going to put the front of the building face down and ice the back sides so that I can apply the two walls to it. With a still hand, I'm going to lay my icing along the outer most section of the back of the gingerbread and carefully press each small wall section into it. I'm going to let it sit a few minutes before I repeat the icing step on the back wall of the building. Once I ice the back wall of the building, I'm going to apply the smallest amount of pressure. Be gentle. It's a virgin. I'm going to let that sit another 5 minutes or so before I tip it right side up and put its roof on. To apply the roof to this building I'm going to use the same icing method as I did with the walls, as it's a flat top. I'm going to ice the sides and carefully press it down to the top of the box like building. Sorted.



Aww, it's so cute! Look at it! It reminds me of how cute Chubbs was last night. Ach-I mean set that cute little fucker to the side. (The photo I had deleted, but I liked this bit so I'm keeping it in there.) 

Now we're going to build the house where the people live. In retrospect, I guess I should have built them a place to live before I built them a place to buy rubber dicks and silicone vaginas. Priorities. We're going to use the same method as we did building the sex shop until we get to where we need to put the roof on. And don't be chincy with your icing. You can always buy or (wink) make more. What a tiny goddamn house!! I knew it wouldn't be big, but wow- I think Danny DeVito must have inspired this. They modelled the goddamn gingerbread house off his house! I do admire the commitment, it's almost to scale.
The fucking roof wouldn't set, it kept falling apart so I went apeshit and smashed it and threw the remains all over my dining area. Sorry. I guess they can live in the little teepee hut thingie that came in the box. I didn't now Indians- excuse me, Native Americans, celebrated Christmas. I thought they were against the whole idea. Actually, I think there are supposed to be two houses...I think I have a house in the building material. They don't even label what is what and two of the things look alike. Fucks sake.



Repeat the same process to make all the buildings but the teepee. That one is pretty self-explanatory. Make an a-shape, not an a-hole shape people, an a shape and put in the two little triangle sections with icing on either side. Press together. Be firm, but gentle. Dominate it, but don't let it know you're dominating it. Don't be a Christian Grey. Fuck Christian Grey. 

DECORATE ME DADDY
Decorating is always my favourite part of any baking project. It's the most creative part for me. And now that I'm playing God and building my own little nation (once again I don't know why but the idea 'shades of early Adolf' has cropped into my mind.) Using the leftover icing, I'm going to outline the gabels on the roof using a simple round tip and then for tufts of snow a small star tip. The kit came with little small bits of candy and sprinkles to decorate with so, I'm going to go wild.

On top of each of the buildings using the star tip make little icing 'kisses' in a neat tight row along the centre arches in all the buildings but the sex shop, since it's a flat-topped building. For that, make your little icing kisses all the way around the top of the building. On the top of the sex shop, use some of the little flat sugar disks, I don't know what the fuck they're actually called and press them into the semi-hard icing. Now about this icing-I'm sorry, but it was some of the shittiest to work with. It didn't stick well and was hard like someone had laced it with viagra. I don't know why anyone would do that for a gingerbread village that's just going to sit on display. Maybe they thought it would help with the setting of the icing. It didn't.
On top of the whore house, use some of those little sugar disks to make it stand out. You want it to look bright, inviting. You want people to come spend their hard stolen dole money here. Let's be honest, businessmen do frequent these places but in my experience, it's been people sucking on the government's titty down in these places...I guess they're giving it back in some way. I'm not here to argue politics. Give the place some windows so a few times a week people can peep through windows and see what's going on. Give them a little taste of what's inside. 



Use the little green gumdrops as trees because we all know that villages have trees. It's kinda what makes a village a village in my book. And for the little teepee house thingie, make it colourful. Use some of the sugar baubble on the centre top, make it pop with colour. The people that live there are happy. And who wouldn't be happy living in a place like that? It's like a less historical, sugar-coated Amsterdam. Sprinkle the little sugar baubles on the other buildings if you want, remember, you are God here. This is your creation. I didn't bother to outline the windows and doors (which you do with a standard round tip) because I ran out of icing, was in a hurry and didn't have time to make extra.

There we have it! Our sex shop next to the brothel, with an extended area with rooms for after-hours hijinks. Then, of course, right next door we have the living quarters. No drink driving in this community and then we have the little clinic. Look how cute it is! If I had a heart, it would be bursting with parental joy.




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