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DICKCEMBER: Jizzmass Treats (Rice Crispy treats drizzled in white chocolate)


It's already the second day of Dickcember and today we're going to be doing come preemptive holiday celebration with some white chocolate. I'm not into white chocolate, but my sister is. And I'm not meaning that as a slang racial term, I literally mean fucking white chocolate. It's dry, tastes a lot like old ass and leaves a waxy taste around my tongue bars. Anyway, let's start this show before the PC police of the Internet come knocking on my door.


WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

1 package of mini marshmallows
2 tsp of vanilla essence
150g butter
150g crisp rice cereal (you don't have to use a brand name)
90g white chocolate bits
2 tbs milk or double cream
Christmas Sprinkles (Optional)
Gingerbread Person (Christ, has the world really come to this?) & Crimbo Tree Biscuit Cutters
**You have the option of putting in one drop of peppermint extract into your white chocolate. I didn't do that since I'm already getting sick of peppermint.**
FOREPLAY...I MEAN PREP!

Make sure that you lube up the pan that you're going to be melting your marshmallows in as well as your biscuit cutters otherwise you're going to have a hell of a mess...it will be tasty, but a pain in the ass none the less. Melt your white chocolate in a non-stick pan or lightly grease it with baking spray to prevent any upsets with it. Before you start making your marshmallow goo, you're going to need a place to lay out the marshmallow and cereal combo in order to cut out the desired shapes. Line a baking tray with tin foil and give the tiniest squirt of baking spray to it. Now that we've got that prep out of the way, it's time to make some treats.

Take your lubricated saucepan and put in your butter and 1 teaspoon of vanilla essence. Heat on low heat for 2-3 minutes until the butter starts to slowly melt. Now add in your marshmallows a little bit at a time. Stir carefully, blend the two together. This is a DaVinci not some of that Andy Warhol bullshit. (If you're a subscriber or frequent reader of my blog you know just how I feel about that arsehole.) Add the entire bag of mini marshmallows. Heat on the low heat, don't rush it. Beauty and perfection like this takes time. You want them to melt slowly, having the butter penetrate the marshmallows as decomposition begins deep within their gelatinous forms...Christ that's sounding a little Gary Ridgeway there. Relax, we're not corpse fucking in this blog. This is a corpse free zone...well this section of the blog is. I can't speak for the other content that's on here or will soon be on here. Don't worry, I'll put a warning label on the blog if anything of that nature is mentioned. It should take about 10-12 minutes for the marshmallows to get completely gooey.
Oh fuck yeah, just let me dip my fingers in it. Goddamn, this shit is addictive. I want to slather the stuff all over myself and Chubbs and have us lick it off each other. I know his kinky ass is into this kind of thing. I'd better keep the volume down in here or Peaches is going to think I'm shooting some kind of marshmallow porno...well, there's an idea to save for a rainy day. The trick with this stuff is to not eat it all or at least half of it before you add the cereal in. (Yes, I ate 4 large spoonfuls of the stuff.) Stir in your cereal in 4 equal sized portions to ensure that you coat your bod-I mean cereal in the marshmallow goo.

Before things start to get harder...hard, spread rice crispy treat mixture evenly over the greased and aluminium foiled baking tray. Taking your biscuit cutters, press them into the cereal, let them sit for a few seconds before carefully removing the cutter out of the cereal. Pop each of your shapes out onto a cutting board or platter. Once you've cut out as many shapes as you can, using up the entire cereal mixture, put the treats into the fridge to ensure they keep their shapes. Some people don't like to do this, but I like this method, so, that's what we're going to do.


Let's Get Jizzy With It!
While our treats are firming up, it's time to melt some chocolate! We're going to use the two pan system. Take a medium-sized saucepan and fill it with water. Place a smaller greased saucepan over the top and allow the water in the under the pan to boil. Empty your chocolate bits into the greased pan, add your vanilla essence and your double cream into it. ONLY ADD THE INGREDIENTS AFTER THE WATER IS BOILING. You want the chocolate to melt slowly and evenly. Keep stirring the entire time. Don't take your eyes off it. If you've greased the pan there's pretty much a 0% chance of the chocolate sticking to the pan, but think of it this way: you use a condom during sex, but it's not 100% effective, so you have your girlfriend take birth control just to be safe too.  Cover all your bases. It's the same with chocolate. It will turn a rich, silky slightly beige colour, which is exactly what you want. You get the colour from the vanilla essence. Give it a good whisking before you go to dress your rice crispy treats with it. 


Remove your treats from the fridge as it is time to decorate them. This isn't going to be a controlled decorating segment. This is one of those times where you can really go wild with the shit. You know, crank up some Jungle Love by Steve Miller Band and get fast and loose with your glazing. Leaving your treats on a cutting board or on a baking tray, coat the tip of your whisk with melted chocolate and sling it across each treat. Cover them suckers with your deliciousness! Jizz all over the trees! Leave no branch unturned! Aim for the face! Turn it into a baking version of Brokeback Mountain! We'll call it Brokeback Kitchen! Just don't get any of the drizzle on the ceiling, it's kind of a bitch to get off.

Cover each treat in a random manner, you don't need to worry about things being uniform here. And if you like sprinkles and wanted them, give them a sprinkle while the chocolate is still wet. Let the chocolate harden either on the counter or in the fridge before serving. 
There we have it. Jizzmass Treats.
Fun. Simple. Delicious. And sure to upset quite a few childish pussies.
Enjoy with eggnog, spiked cocoa or even just on their own.

I will be doing a few non-sexual holiday baking bits for those of you who just want some lovely holiday treats with no jizz, tits, fanny or arse in them. Don't worry Danny the Emo Raindeer has a little bit of something for everyone this year. Some of the smaller quick things I'm going to be doing will just be featured on the Delectables with Dan Instagram/Twitter pages with the simple instructions underneath. I might do a combination blog of one or two things so I can archive them later on, so keep an eye out for that. Until next time my fellow angry bakers. 

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Location: London Borough of Islington, London, Vereinigtes Königreich

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