DICKCEMBER: Santa's Stuffed Me Cupcakes

Tis the season to embrace the mythical man that is Santa whilst still indulging our primal urges. There's plenty I could say about Santa and the whole elves situation, but let's get right into baking today. While the name is a bit raunchy, the cupcakes are anything but. A golden cupcake, filled with a light and fluffy vanilla cream icing and then iced to the teeth with a brilliant red peppermint icing. It's not quite the attention getter than Santa humping a co-ed, but still great for parties.

You Will Need:
1 Yellow or White Cake Mixture 

Chrismas Sprinkles or Christmas Coloured Sprinkles
(Red, Green & Optional Gold)

Empty your cake mix into a large mixing bowl and add red, green and gold sprinkles into the dry mix. Go crazy, add as little or as much as you want. This is your party and you can sprinkle it up if you want to. (No, that's not an invitation to engage in a golden shower.)

Add your eggs, oil and water and either hand mix or use an electric mixer, with this it doesn't matter. Make sure that mixture is evenly blended before pouring into paper cupcake liners...I never remember the actual word for them, is there an actual word for them? I should know this with planning to open a bakery and writing a cookbook...Ah, I'll get to it. Put in to bake at a 165C (325F) oven. You're going to want a lower temperature and allow more time for them to bake. You want them to bloom slowly and sensually...Christ, that sounds like the start of a Britney Spears song. When they come out of the oven they're going to be a bit springy, you want that. Christ, I was going to add 'playful' there. Can a cupcake even exhibit playful qualities or tendencies? Maybe I should ask Melfi...

 

For the next recipe, you're going to add the first 4 ingredients making one version of it. That will be what you're going to fill the centre of the cakes with. You're going to create another batch of icing only this time adding the peppermint oil and the red food colouring.

ICING

140g softened butter

280g icing sugar 

1 tsp vanilla essence 

2 tsp double cream
LATER 

2-3 drops peppermint oil 

4 drops red food colouring

In a large mixing bowl blend in your butter, vanilla essence and one half of your icing sugar. Blend well with your electric mixer, it will be silky and creamy. Add in the next portion of your icing sugar and your double cream. If you want your icing to be a little thicker, add in a little more icing sugar. You don't want it to be too thick, remember where that cream is going...

Repeat the above steps only before finishing your icing, add in the peppermint oil and the red food colouring. You can add more or less of the food colouring depending on the formulation of it, but you want a lovely rich red colour. I'd love an arterial spray kind of red, but I don't have the food colouring for that, so we'll have to stick with what the end product is.

You're going to want a little icing injector or a thin tip to stick into the cupcake. Make sure that your icing bag is about half full; you don't want it exploding out the arse end and covering you in something sticky...even if it is delicious. We've got a task at hand here. Stick your nozzle into the cupcake and work the icing bag slowly and carefully to fill the centre of the cupcake with a peppermint icing. You want to be careful when you poke your nozzle into the cupcake, we're not BP here drilling, we're simple, angry bakers trying to fill a cupcake...that almost sounds rape like...I swear to God it's not. Allow a little bit of the white icing to pop through the top of the cupcake that way you know it's full. Aww, they look so happy there. The little colours are so lovely and-shit! Focus!! 

You're going to want to apply that same half-full icing bag when icing with the peppermint icing. Using a medium-sized small tip ice in an anti-clockwork swirl arching slowly upwards to create a small hill of deliciousness. Give a nice swirl at the top, to add some flair.

Yeah, I know a little lazy with the description and how to at the end, but let's face it, I'm tired, I'm pissed off and I'm not in a jolly holiday mood. I'm not even in the mood to bant. Sorry, this isn't my usual flair...actually, even my usual is getting annoying and mundane to me. Maybe I'm going ti beed to take a break from this. My jokes feel so tired and used up, boring. My comments aren't that great anymore. I'm unhappy with myself and my product. One can only make so many cock and titty jokes before they realise its all the same.

The next Delectables with Dan instalment will be a cute DYI biscuit/cookie jars. There will be a few of the same old jokes but I don't know what's going to happen other than that. I've not even started it yet. I don't know if I even care anymore. Well, later other angry, depressed bakers.

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