Yesterday's Feelings

I keep trying to capture the light I see in him, but I'm struggling in ways I haven't ever before.

I'm not sure if what I felt for him was really love or just a deep seeded lust. Maybe it was both.

The flames that once threatened to consume me are now nothing more than cool coals. Maybe it's 

the presumed hurt that echoes through my bones that blind me from seeing what I once held onto

through the night. Perhaps it's the swallowing of the bitter truths that he will never see me, he will always look through me, beyond me to something better that's sparking these crippling doubts. 

....

It's mid-Saturday morning and I'm twisted in my duvet, my mind wrapped with thoughts of him.

The cold winds from the cracked windows tickle the few bits of my exposed skin and left me wishing

it was his fingers rather than whispers from the heavens. I'm haunted by the way I feel for him. I feel anticipation bubbling inside me. I'm tempted by what I know, teased by how I feel and wounded by expectation and the vengeful rage of memory. The tiniest snowflakes flutter through the window and lay their heads down on my hips and lower back. I whisper his words to my pillow as if repeating his most inspirational or beautiful bits would will him to me.
I feel smaller and younger than I've ever been. Flashes of the past flicker behind closed eyelids as if the film being projected is damaged. Time, disaster, whathaveyou has altered the film of my life, creating jaded illusions and stagnant emotions where bacteria copulates, tainting almost every one of my thoughts.  Molecules inside me rearrange and once again I find myself lost for words. I think about the abundance of colours that are housed within his irises, how his pupils always manage to catch the light and how he never fails to invoke the deepest tethers of longing from somewhere inside me. In times of emotional distress or fatigue, I've always sought refuge in myself or a chemical of some sort, never reaching out for another, whether out of fear or pride. 

Sometimes I stop and see how simple, fragile life can be. How people only complicate things by trying to assign meaning where none is needed. I myself am more than guilty of this practice. I realise in my private moments just how thing the tightrope that suspends me is. I'm perplexed by the seemingly endless complexities that surround me. I open the chilled windows and fall back out into frost laden plants below. I fear that should I ever gain the courage to speak my truths to him, express all that I'm struggling to contain within me, he will walk away. That he won't allow me to see whats hidden in between his complex and striking layers. I fear he will find me strange and unusual and not in the way that leaves one breathless, but in the way that alienates and discourages one. I should rephrase what I mean when I say I love him. I love what I know of him, what he shows me. I'm captivated and curious by the enigma that he is and for the enigma that he is not. He's more than a person. More than a living being. He is more than a mind. He is more than a soul. 

I can't picture my life without you.
No, I don't want to picture my life without you.

You're amazing in every sense of the word. 

You understand me and even when you don't you try to.
Even when the words I mumble are senseless, you somehow know.

When I met you that afternoon and your eyes met mine, I knew that I loved you.

I knew that you would make an impact on me when you gazed into me, 
what I didn't know is that it would push me to entirely new limits, 
changing me at my most fundamental levels.
Through your warm and inviting smile, I found means of comfort and escape.
You've taught me more than any years of formal education ever could.
I don't know how or even if there is any reason at all,
why we met that sweltering afternoon,
but this is one moment that I want to be able to hold onto for the rest of my life.

And if in some variation of the future, even if it's 10 or 20 or even 30 years away, 

you will forever be the boy who lit the stars within me.
 And if I fail to exist in this plane for that long,
I can only hope that the feelings you've sparked within me find a way to reach you;
across this Earth, across space and time and you find that comfort that you've
always been searching for. 

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