Happiness & Homicide Presents: Friendship
I'm sitting at the piano playing the theme song to 'All in the Family' when there's a knock at my door. I stop abruptly and listen, just to make sure that it wasn't my brain playing tricks on me again. Knock, knock, knock. I know that knock. Nick. I raise an eyebrow and stare at the piano keys. Maybe if I stay silent long enough he'll figure that it was a ghost playing or something and he'll go away. "I heard you playing in there, I know you're home." SHIT. I get up and retch the door open. "What do you want? I'm kind of in the middle of something." "Well, Archie, I need to talk to you about something. I need your wisdom." I step back and et him into the apartment. I shut the door behind him.
"Make it quick, Nick. I'm expecting company." "Company?" He asks, flopping down on the sofa. "Is this your way of telling me that I have to leave before the hooker that's coming over shows up and charges you for an extra client?" I hand him a Diet Coke. "No, I have a friend coming over." Nick sprays cola all over the coffee table. "Friend? What are you talking about, friend? You've only got one friend and I'm sitting right here!!" "Untrue." I open my soda. "His name is Len. He lives in apartment 2D." "Is Len real or have you made him up?" I snort and take a sip of my cola. "I haven't." "Why haven't you mentioned him before now if he's real?" "Maybe because I want to have a personal life." "You?" He asks, the tone of surprise in his voice is prominent. I don't respond so he continues. "You have to know everything about everybody. You have no respect for personal boundaries. You respect no one else's opinion and you're the most insane, selfish person on the planet! So, tell me, how did you make a friend?"
I light a cigarette and sit down across from him, cross my legs and take a drag. "You're my friend." Nick sits in silence. "Now what does that say about you?" Nick still doesn't say anything. "Anyway, Len's a nice guy. We went mini-golfing last week." "YOU went mini-golfing? Wait a minute, was this last Tuesday?" I nod. "You don't me that you couldn't go with me to get my prostate checked because your aunt's house caught fire and you had to go help her!" I shrug and take a drag. "Nickie, we've been friends for how many years? How is this a shock to you? You should have known better." His ears turn red in frustration. "Don't you DARE make this my fault! OH, MY GOD! I don't even know why I deal with you!" "It must be love." He storms over to the door.
I light a cigarette and sit down across from him, cross my legs and take a drag. "You're my friend." Nick sits in silence. "Now what does that say about you?" Nick still doesn't say anything. "Anyway, Len's a nice guy. We went mini-golfing last week." "YOU went mini-golfing? Wait a minute, was this last Tuesday?" I nod. "You don't me that you couldn't go with me to get my prostate checked because your aunt's house caught fire and you had to go help her!" I shrug and take a drag. "Nickie, we've been friends for how many years? How is this a shock to you? You should have known better." His ears turn red in frustration. "Don't you DARE make this my fault! OH, MY GOD! I don't even know why I deal with you!" "It must be love." He storms over to the door.
"What did you want to talk about? You came all the way over here. Sit down and talk. But most importantly, don't let a Diet Coke go to waste. To me, that's the equivalent of you spilling the sacramental wine." He lays his hand on the doorknob before turning around. "Did you just compare soda to the blood of Christ?" "Well if you want to argue semantics it's only the blood after the priest has blessed it." "I-Well, you're right." "I know. So, let's talk." "Well...you are the only one that I know has experience in these matters." "Sexual?" "Please take a seat." I motion toward the couch. I reach into the pocket of my chair and pull out my tiny glasses and balance them on the end of my nose. He lays down on the couch, his face turned away from me. "Now, what is bothering you in the cock and balls department, my boy?" "Hm? What's that? What's that voice?" Nick looks over at me. "Why the hell do you look like Freud? And what the hell is with the bubble pipe?" I blow a stream of bubbles in his face. "That's not the topic of discussion, my dear boy." "Oh, yeah, right. I'm not about to indulge you." He sighs. "Please, go on." "It's about Annie." "Still taking it like a plastic fuck puppet is she?" He shoots me a dirty look. "Sorry. I won't interject again."
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I'm painting my nails when there's a knock at my door. It'd better not be fucking Nick again."Who the fuck is it?!" "It's Len." "Oh, fuck, right! Come on in, mate, the door's open." He comes in with a wave and shuts the door behind him. "What did you get up to last weekend?" "I hacked my psychiatrist to death using a ham carving knife and a pair of hair cutting scissors. Then I dressed up in some of her pantsuits and masturbated over her corpse." He sits in the reclining chair. "Nice one!" He doesn't know that I'm serious and that just makes me all the more gleeful. "What you doing over there?" "Painting my nails. This sea-foam grey is really my colour." I hold my hand out to admire the colour. "What do you think?" I ask him, admiring my handy work. "Hmm...another coat should do it, I think." "Why are you painting your nails? You wanna be a girl or something?" I look over at him. "Nope. It just makes me feel pretty. There's nothing wrong with a man feeling pretty." "No there isn't." He doesn't sound convinced. "Do you wanna do my toenails? I can never get them to look good. I can't bend like that and hold my hands steady. I shake like Micheal J. Fox." "Sure. You just instruct me on how to do the painting." "You know, I should work on that, the bending. Do some yoga or something." "Oh yeah? Why?" "Cause if I could bend like that, I'd learn to suck my own dick and do porno flicks." "Dude, that's a great idea." "Yoga gets me nice and limber and then I'm swimming in-" Len cuts me off. "Semen?" "I was going to say cash, but yeah I guess that too."
I finish applying a new coat to my pinky nail and examine it."So, what about your weekend?" "I went to visit my mother. I went to visit my mother. We played bad mitten." "Bummer. You want a beer? Help yourself and toss me one, will you?" He gets up out of the chair, crosses behind me and into the kitchen. "Bro, there is blood in here! Did you have ground beef in here or something?" I lean back in my chair and glance into the kitchen. "Oh, that? I've been meaning to clean that." I reach into my nail varnish box to select a colour for my toenails, ah, matte black. Perfection. "You're going to get sick, mate. Raw meat, blood and all that stuff isn't healthy." I should probably clean that in case the police come knocking. Not like they're on to me, they're quite useless. They really have no idea what's really going on in their beloved city. And I like it that way.
I finish applying a new coat to my pinky nail and examine it."So, what about your weekend?" "I went to visit my mother. I went to visit my mother. We played bad mitten." "Bummer. You want a beer? Help yourself and toss me one, will you?" He gets up out of the chair, crosses behind me and into the kitchen. "Bro, there is blood in here! Did you have ground beef in here or something?" I lean back in my chair and glance into the kitchen. "Oh, that? I've been meaning to clean that." I reach into my nail varnish box to select a colour for my toenails, ah, matte black. Perfection. "You're going to get sick, mate. Raw meat, blood and all that stuff isn't healthy." I should probably clean that in case the police come knocking. Not like they're on to me, they're quite useless. They really have no idea what's really going on in their beloved city. And I like it that way.
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