DICKCEMBER: Danny's Delectable Mince

(Actor portrayal of me in the kitchen as I bake) 

This may be the final instalment of the year. It depends on if I can get round to baking the last cake that I wanted to. It's just not Christmas without a mince pie. If you don't like mince pie, I'm sorry but you can fuck right off. Mince Pie is traditional and in this house, we eat them. Well, Imma be eatin some of Chubbs later. Anyway, before I can eat one off him, I've gotta make one.

WHAT YOU NEED
For Filling 

1 large jar mincemeat (about 600g)

2 satsumas, segmented

1 apple finely chopped

zest 1 lemon

little icing sugar, for dusting

For Pastry 

375g plain flour

260g unsalted butter softened

125g caster sugar, plus extra for sprinkling

1 large egg plus 1 beaten egg for glazing

**And me being the alcoholic that I am, I'm going to add a little bit of brandy. (No, I'm kidding I'm not drunk all the time...well not anymore. Oh, summer ye have passed me by.) **If you are using a pre-made pie crust like I am, allow it to warm up to room temperature before you attempt to roll it out. You don't want it crumbling all around you like my life usually does. I will teach you how to make the pastry crust below.

Preheat your oven to 220C while you are cooking up your mince. You want your oven ready and waiting to receive your package. Place the flour and butter in a bowl and rub together to a crumb consistency.  I was rubbing something last night and boy howdy and while it wasn't us that was crumbling, there was quite a bit of a mess after. Who'd have thought that figgy bars would have made such a mess? Add the sugar and the egg, and mix together. Tip out onto a lightly floured surface and fold until the pastry comes together, be careful not to over mix. Wrap the pastry in cling film and chill for 10 mins in the icebox.

I'm making my own mincemeat from a boxed version that I got. You'll be able to see what I'm going with this, then I will add the instructions for if you are doing a jarred mincemeat. Don't worry, ya boye Danny is in a giving mood and will be there to serve all pie making needs. If you're needing to reconstitute your mincemeat mix, oh dear that doesn't sound too good, does it? Well, ah, what you want to do is crumble your mixture into a non-stick medium-sized saucepan. Fuckin' a, once again I find myself having sticky fingers for the dozenth time in less than 24 hours. Since I'm making a 7-8 inch pie, I'm going to pour in 350ml of water.

Heat over medium heat until the mixture and water begin to boil. Keep fucking stirring as it's heating, you don't want a big lump of shit in the pot. Add in your 1 tablespoon of brandy. It doesn't matter what kind. Stir and allow to simmer for 30 seconds before removing from heat. Allow mincemeat to cool before placing in pastry crust.


Well grease your pie dish before putting in your crust. You don't want this bitch getting stuck like Chub did last night. Though it was cute to watch him wiggle around in the shorts, it rather upset his apple cart a bit. Scoop the mincemeat into a bowl and add the satsumas, apple and zest. **Check to make sure if your mincemeat comes with apples and satsumas inside, some of them do, some of them don't as I found out last year. Why the fuck would you not?** Pour your mincemeat into the bottom of the pastry shell. Scrape the sides, baby get all that delicious, sweet meat in there.

Whisk an egg, not your lover, in a small bowl to prepare eggwash for the top of the pie. Carefully apply the top pasty. Tuck in that mincemeat. Whisper goodnight to it. Glaze with egg, sprinkle with caster sugar, then make a small cut in the tops.



Bake mince pies for 15-20 mins until golden brown. Leave to cool before dusting with icing sugar. Serve with tea and or coffee. 

Now I've gotta pop off and feed and feel up my Christmas Chubby, but I will see you all before the new year, where I will do a blog or two, either as Delectables with Dan or my regular type of content blogs. You'll get a 2017 reflection blog for sure. Until then, stuff your loves, enjoy your cocktails and get some down south kissin' under the mistletoe.