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Christ Tales: Netflix's Next Big Thing

I actually wrote this little bit whilst messing about late one night with a mate. I recently found the chat from a few months ago and laughed my ass off at it, so I decided to share it with you guys. Some of the content is pretty offensive, so if you're spineless or a pussy of some sort, you may not like the kind of content below. 
I'm glad that I found this seeing as it's around Christmas time when people who aren't religious suddenly find religion and start their proclamations and those who are already religious become even more obnoxiously so. Let the humour ensue.

We'd been talking about betrays in friendships and I came out with "Well, everybody knows that Jesus only snitched on Jesus because he was a jealous bitch. Now, if he'd given Judas some of that hot lovin' he was giving Peter, he wouldn't have gotten nailed to a tree." And she answered with, "Turn that into a soap!" And thus, the idea was born. Fireworks exploded deep inside my brain. I'd originally called it "Cavewives of the Middle East" because Jesus & Pals was already taken, but then I decided to rename it Christ Tales: The Untold Stories of Christianity.

On the first episode of Christ Tales, we join Barrabas & Solomon as they go undercover at the local brothel they co-own to see who's been sneaking from the till & pocketing their hard-earned coinage. On the other side of Jerusalem, we find Jesus in trouble at Temple yet again for questioning the religious dictator's authority & inciting a riot in the local house of worship.

The following week, we're going to have a two-hour special where all hell breaks loose (no pun intended) when it's exposed that Joseph has been sleeping with both Marys! The two women get into a drag out cat-fight over who gives the best head. Things take a turn for the worst when the local wizard/physician reveals that Joseph has chlamydia. Where did he get it from? Heads will roll as we catch up with our boy Barnabas, who's up to his usual no good tricks but this time with the Emporer's underage daughter. 

What happens when e. coli breaks out in the hottest eatery in the desert? Nothing good, you can imagine. As the virus rips through town and the bowels of the locals, the townsfolk are forced to get creative as the latrines overflow and they run out of buckets. Our dear friend Peter knocks up one of the dancer's at Barraba's strip club when she accidentally flashes him her ankles. Hilarity ensues as the pair try to perform an abortion with a fishing line and a pair of tin snips.

As a sort of holiday special, things get heated during Passover when the Angel of Death, who's still drunk from the night before, misses a house and a firstborn child accidentally lives. The townsfolk are left mystified by this occurrence and take it as a sign that God's changed his mind on their bargain and they the plagues will once again spread through the lands. Peter and his lady find out if their efforts were successful in a thrilling end that has fans both gagging and giggling.

In our second holiday special, during one of the nights of Passover, Jesus gets a little overzealous turning water into wine. The boys get into a little trouble with the religious dictator when they're caught drunkenly trying to circumcise a non-Jew. Meanwhile, Joseph who's now STI free has a Ménagé A Trois with the two Marys, sending someone to the hospital when things don't go as planned. 

For an Arbour Day special, Jesus & the lads head out into the desert to plant some new cacti in a misguided understanding of the holiday. The gang ends up detained at the Lebanon border as they're not carrying ID and shovels. Who's rectal cavity will be searched first? This will be another two-part special so the fans at home can gamble on who's cheeks will be spread first and what fun, thrilling and funky contraband will be found up who's anus. 

A shy shepherd's daughter has her first lesbian experience and becomes terrified when she enjoys it. Seeking comfort and forgiveness for her 'sin' she heads to Jesus to confess and obtain forgiveness. Jesus finds it hard to stay focused on the salvation part when the girl begins to describe the colour of the other girl's lady business. The hot gossip spreads through the town much like the e. coli did earlier in the year when Jesus mentions it to Peter who mentions it to Judas, the town drunk. 

Philip with the help of one of the greatest hits by the Steve Miller Band learns the secrets of masturbation for the first time in a late-blooming, coming of age tale. In James' bedroom down the street, he begins to experiment with one of the local bakery girls. In a knitting circle filled with gossip, the rest of the ladies learn that James the less isn't called that because of what he lacks down below. 

All of this is said in fun, don't take it seriously. I hadn't laughed so hard as I did when I was writing these. I might even turn a few of these into actual stories for here or scripts for here. I've not had much experience with script writing, but I can always learn, right?
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