Happiness & Homicide Presents: Dr New

"I brought doughnuts." I flop down in my newest shrink's office. "I'm Dr Kevins, but you can call me Susan. And Wil, for the record, it's not appropriate to bring food into a session." I take a bite out of a maple glazed doughnut. "So, while we're exploring the boundaries of thing here, is it appropriate for me to tell you that you have a very nice rack and that I will probably go home and masturbate while thinkin' about them." I take another bite of my doughnut. She frowns and crosses her legs. "Wil, that is more than crossing the line. I don't want to hear that kind of talk in here again. It's fine to discuss your sexuality and even your sexual fantasies, that is a part of my job, but to tell me-" I cut her off. "That the thought of your tits will drive me to screaming orgasm." I smirk. "Yes, that and other things is not okay." I finish my doughnut and frown. "But you just said that its okay for me to talk about sexual things…so what happens if you are the object of said fantasies." She fiddles with the string of pearls around her neck. I lean forward and offer her a doughnut. "Come on..just have one. They won't ruin your figure, which is amazing, by the way." Her frown deepens. "Pleaseee?" I push. She sighs. "Alright, just this one time." "HURRAY!" She reaches into the bag and pulls out a plain doughnut. Little does she know the doughnuts are a little exercise of my own. I'm gauging her personality but the type of doughnut she selects. Then I can use this information to further my own agenda and possibly use it for other less than holy practices. And to think, she believes that I'm just a young adult with depression and adjustment issues. These people claim to be professionals at what they do. What a fucking joke.

"So, your last psychiatrist…has his murder affected you in any way?" Internally, I am doing cartwheels. Externally, I keep a blank, emotionless face. I take a bite out of another doughnut. "No, not really. It affected Olivia a lot more than me." She looks up from her notebook. "Who is Olivia?“ I swallow. "Oh, she's my girlfriend." "You didn't think to mention that on your intake form?" I shrug. "Nah, not really." "So, who did you list on your emergency contact form?" "I left it blank." Susan frowns. "Why? You know its a required field." I turn away. "Because I don't want to burden Olivia and Nick is at his wit's end with me." "Who's Nick?" "He's my oldest friend. I've known him since Moses wore short pants…" My voice trails off and I find myself almost feeling sad. Susan takes notes in her notebook and looks up at me. All that time he wasted with me. He could have learned a trade with all the time he's wasted with me. Even got some other qualifications."You look sad. Tell me how you feel."

I shake my head. "I don't wanna talk about it." Susan sits back in her seat. and smiles at me. "We can talk about it whenever you're ready." LMAFO is she really that childish? I decide to indulge her. "I don't know when I will be ready." "Okay.  That's okay not to know if and when you will be ready. So, what are your plans for the afternoon when you leave here?" "I dunno. Probably fill my prescriptions and go home to masturbate. This time, I think I'll do it in the laundry room; you know, give it a bit more of a thrill." "Do you do that a lot?" "Pick up prescriptions or whack off?" Susan looks uncomfortable. "Relieve yourself."  "Relieve myself? What the fuck kind of term is that? Masturbation is natural. Humans and animals masturbate all the time. Do you masturbate?" The timer on her desk rings off and I stand up. "Well, time's up for today. We'll pick up with my sex life next time…And who knows, I may bring visual aids." Susan offers me a weak smile. "I'll see you next week. Oh, and I'd like the answer to my question then as well." I smile at her and shut the door. This woman has no idea what she's in for.

..... 

I take my usual seat in Susan's office. She's wearing a light pink jumper and a pair of white pants. Her outfit tells me two things. One, her tits look fantastic in that jumper and two, she's not on her period. I smirk. "Did you have a good week, Wil?" "Yeah, it was okay." I leave out the fact that the highlight of my week was when I walked through the door and saw what she was wearing. I consider telling her that her tits look mint, but I decide against it. "What did you do?" "Nothing special, really. It was a dull week. I stayed home a lot. I did some things in my apartment, Maike slept over." I pause. "Oh, and I tried to improve my cultural knowledge by watching a film about sexuality in France." Susan adjusts herself in her seat. "And how did that go?" "To tell you the truth, it really pissed me off." "How so?" "Well, I was watching it not only for the cultural aspects, but to get myself off in a new and exciting manner. But I couldn't focus! I kept getting distracted by how hairy the broad's pits were! Then I started wondering what this guy sees in her besides the mark of a Yeti." 

Susan raises an eyebrow. "It's interesting that you say that." I reach into my pocket and fish out a lollipop, unwrap it and start to suck on it. "How do you mean?" Susan sits forward and looks me in the face. "Wil, you're wearing nail polish, you have eyeliner on and you're wearing a hot pink tee that says "FLIRTY GIRL" on it. I thought you of all people would not care about gender roles." "Woah. It's not a gender thing!! I just find hairy pits disgusting. Doesn't matter to me if a man or a woman has them, they turn my fuckin' stomach." I suck on my lolli for a moment before continuing. "And another thing. I really find it disgusting when guys have mounds of pubic hair. You're a woman, what are your thoughts on the male pubis situation." "We're here to talk about you, not me." I adjust my hot pink sunglasses. I give my lolli a lick. "She likes the hair." I muse out loud. "Otherwise, you would have told me. Interesting." I pull my sunglasses down, so she can't see that I'm staring at her.  My eyes glitter in the office light. "Not that I care." I continue. "Your preferences are your preferences. And, for the record, I like to shave my pubic hair all off except for the bit right at the pubic bone. Sometimes I like to shave letters into it. Currently, just to try my hand at hair out, I've got this neat little choo-choo train, right above my groin, which is an interesting thought in and of itself." I lean back and put my lolli in my mouth. "Thanks for that, Wil." "Well, as you said, you're the one I can tell most intimate secrets with." I look over at the clock. "Well, it seems that time is about up for today. I must go, I have a severed head in my fridge that needs attending." I stand up and offer her the rest of my lollipop. "You're a character, you know that?" "I know." I close the door behind me.

....

I was sitting painting a self-portrait for my therapy assignment when it struck me that I don't remember what I looked like as a child. I add a bit more green to my eyes in the painting and stand back to admire my handy work. "BRILLIANT!" I exclaim. I get up close to the painting. "You're one saucy devil. You keep making eye contact and I just might have to fuck you." A knock at the door disrupts my shmoosing. Who the fuck could that be? I drop my paint brushes in the sink and make my way over to the door. I peer through the peephole. URGH!! It's my sister. "Come on, Wil, open up!" If I pretend that I'm not home, she'll just come back and annoy me later. One visit is enough for my taste, though I would prefer zero. I open the door a crack. "What do you want Lennie?"


I'm really loving sharing more of Happiness & Homicide sneak peaks & bonus materials with you guys. If you'd like to see more of Wil, Nick & some of the other characters in the Happiness & Homicide universe let me know! I'd love to read some of your feedback! I've gotten some great comments on Instagram and a few on Twitter so far and it's pretty encouraging to keep sharing.

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