DICKCEMBER: Gingerbread Orgy Cake

It's once again time to dive into the angriest kitchen in London (well aside from whatever kitchen Gordon Ramsay is in) and create a Chrimbo masterpiece. We've got a lot of steps to this dance to be sure to set aside quite a bit of time before attempting to make this!




PART ONE
LE CAKE

We're going to be making golden cakes from scratch, but if you prefer you can use a cake mix from any shop. I took the recipe that I used below and doubled it to make 4 golden cakes. We're only going to be using 3 of them, but it's good to have an extra in case something goes arse over teakettle.

125g softened butter

125g caster sugar 

125g self-rising flour 

2 eggs

1 tsp baking powder 

1 tsp vanilla essence 

Preheat your oven to 195C (375F).
You're also going to need 4 well-lubed cake baking pans.
It will save you time to bake all three together (if you have the room in your oven-oh God I'm tempted to make a gangbang joke right here.) so that you have more time to focus on bedr-making the other elements to the cake. I've seen some of these ovens in these massive kitchens and they look like they'd hold a human corpse and then some, never mind just a cake or two. What's the point of them? They must draw electricity like a bitch. A part of me wants to be the metre man reading the metre in one of these houses.

We're going to start off with a little bit of creaming here. Not the kind you're all thinking about. I suppose you could, but that's not really hygienic when you're baking. You're going to cream together your butter and sugar until the mixture becomes a pale yellow colour. Almost like a mucus colour. What? Some people need visuals and that was the first thing that popped into my head! It's also okay if it's still white in colour. You've done nothing wrong.

Sift into your butter and sugar the flour and baking powder. (You can pop the two together in the sifter and sift at the same time.) Stir together with a baking spoon before adding your egg and vanilla.Now take your electric mixer in hand mix for 2-3 minutes. You want this cake batter to be as smooth as Leon Phelps.



Put into bake for 15-20 minutes. Make sure that cakes are fully baked before removing them from oven and setting them to cool. Luckily it's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra so we can set the cakes outside to cool.

Meanwhile, while the cakes are baking up, we have some gingerbread people to make. I have to say people here so no one gets offended. I can't fucking believe that society has come to this. Gingerbread person. Fucking hell. No wonder nothing of importance ever gets done around here! People always complaining about stupid PC shit. Be a boy, a girl, an alien, both, be all three! Be whatever the fuck you want, just don't get all butthurt over the usage of 'gingerbread men'. It's traditional. Sometimes traditions are good. This is one of them. Get the fuck over it.

GINGERBREAD MEN
I'm using a packaged mixture that I got from a friend, but I'm sure you can check out BBC Good Food for tonnes of gingerbread recipes. 

1 pouch of gingerbread cookie mix
(butter, water, egg to make it depending on your mix)
mini baking m&ms

holiday coloured sprinkles



Evenly mix together your dough. It will be thick and sticky...just how I like Chubbs. Right, so flour a clean cutting board or counter area to lay out your dough. Line your baking trays with parchment paper before putting down your biscuit cutouts. Carefully cut out as many men, trees and or snowflakes as you want and set them on trays, about an inch apart. Remember to allow room for expansion. Think of your cookies as flaccid cocks, the oven is the arousing image. There ya go. Now you'll never forget to leave room on your baking sheets. Or in your condoms for that matter. If you so choose decorate BEFORE you bake with the little holiday sprinkles for the trees or the m&ms for the gingerbread men. Put in to bake at 180C for roughly 10 minutes. Once they are fully baked, set them on a rack...not a rack for kinky play either! A cooling rack. Allow them to be fully cool before using them on the cake or attempting to ice them. (Mine are not going to be iced, but if you're going to ice your own, I assume you know what the fuck you're doing.)

ICE ME BAKING DADDY 

You all should know how to make icing by now so I'm not going to include any photos here. You're going to use this to make the vanilla and the ginger flavoured icings. Double the recipe to make both. You're going to both ice and decorate with the two flavours.

140g softened butter 

1tsp vanilla
280g icing sugar 

1-2 tsp double cream or milk
1 pinch of ginger

1 pinch of nutmeg
**if desired 1-2 drops of light brown food colouring

Yadda-Yadda cream together part of your icing sugar with butter, then add the vanilla. Mix on high. Add the rest of your icing sugar double cream and vanilla. Mix on high until silky smooth. In ONE of the icing versions you're making drop in your brown food colouring, ginger and nutmeg, blend well. You want to make sure it's thicc and tasty, like the boy who's waiting for me upstairs. Ah, what? You can add more ginger or nutmeg based on your own taste, but you want it to be a light flavour.

HEY BABY LET'S MAKE...CAKE

Now that everything is cool and whipped it's time to assemble this bad boy. (The cake is actually genderless, don't get all alarmed, folks.)

Take one cake and set it on an icing plate.  Ice the top of the cake with the vanilla icing. With an icing spatula apply a thicc dollop of icing and carefully work it across the surface of his bod-I mean, the cake's top half. Wow, even that sounds a bit filthy now that I read that back. Make sure that the next layer of cake is level before setting it on the first cake. Carefully press the cakes together creating a sort of cake orgy. Don't worry, there will be more. Now, for icing the second layer, you're going to use the ginger icing. And using the same technique, wrist movements and pervy smile (Yeah, I know how you all ice your baked goods) ice the top of the second layer of the cake. 

Once you have iced the second layer of cake, repeat topping it with the third and final layer of the cake. Now we've got a cake orgy on our hands! You are going to ice the top and sides of the cake with the white vanilla icing. Once the cake is fully iced all the way round it's time to decorate! Depending on what you want, take 2 or three of your favourite gingerbread biscuits and place them on the top of the cake. Carefully press them into the icing so they don't slide off. If you haven't decorated or iced the gingerbread men, do so before you put them on top of the cake. 

Taking whatever holiday sprinkles you want, sprinkle them around the free areas on the top of the cake and around the side of the cake. I used little star sprinkles, carefully pressed with tweezers across the side and top of the cake, but you can do whatever you choose to with them.

 

BOOM.

A clean, classic and happy looking Christmas cake.
I think this is one of the purest and innocent looking creations I've ever made on Delectables with Dan. A gingerbread Christmas cake. Who'd have thought? Enjoy it. Go forth and share cake, not STIs with your fellow man during this sickeningly festive season.

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