Exhausted
I feel completely exhausted from everything and everyone around me. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm losing the control that I crave and the desires that drive me. I've lost pretty much any and all motivation that I possessed. I'm struggling to hold my concentration and achieve any sort of goal. There are so many things that I need and want to do, I just struggle to find the mental time to do it all. It feels like it's far too much to take on, even though logically, I know that its a fairly normal workload; It all feels like white noise static in my brain. Only when I sedate myself does the noise surrender, becoming a distant whisper in the corner of my psyche.
I've noticed my tolerance for frustration diminished and the ability to keep control of my emotions is frazzled by the end of a day. I think its all of the external stress that's stressing me and weakening my ability to control my emotions. I feel trapped in a life that I'm deeply unhappy with. It feels as if I will never be free as long as I am in this body. And what makes it worse is that at the current moment there are little changes I can make to better my situation.
There are so many moments, small ones, in my life that I just want to freeze so I can hold on to them a little longer. I'm not ready to let go. Maybe that's a part of my problem. I lay back and let my thoughts drift, drift away to something better-maybe it's something from the past, from another life or a fantasy created by something deep within my psyche to preserve my life when the majority of the neurons in my brain are fighting to kill me. Suicide pills creep down my throat, into my near empty stomach, echoing their hollow promises of salvation. My insides burn as the harsh chemicals within begin to flow throw me; gradually until it's a rapid water succession of colourless and tasteless biochemical invaders swarming through me.
I drown in the realisation that all that I do is meaningless, even if I assign some level of importance to it, ultimately there is still nothing there. All of this, everything that surrounds me, is inside of me, is inside of me is insignificant. I suppose one could argue that I'm apart of something bigger, something better, but that would only influence my believe that my individual worth pails in comparison to everything else. Why am I like this? Why am I such an overthinking nitwit? I try and struggle to step outside my head, outside my thoughts. I'm jealous of stupid people sometimes; they don't have to think and agonise over things like this. They just get up, put their socks on and get going. I lay in bed staring at the blood stains on the wall for a good 15-20 minutes, struggle to get the sleep dust out of my eyes and look at the clock to realise I've not died in my sleep and I face the possibility of another day of chronic emptiness.
There are so many moments, small ones, in my life that I just want to freeze so I can hold on to them a little longer. I'm not ready to let go. Maybe that's a part of my problem. I lay back and let my thoughts drift, drift away to something better-maybe it's something from the past, from another life or a fantasy created by something deep within my psyche to preserve my life when the majority of the neurons in my brain are fighting to kill me. Suicide pills creep down my throat, into my near empty stomach, echoing their hollow promises of salvation. My insides burn as the harsh chemicals within begin to flow throw me; gradually until it's a rapid water succession of colourless and tasteless biochemical invaders swarming through me.
I drown in the realisation that all that I do is meaningless, even if I assign some level of importance to it, ultimately there is still nothing there. All of this, everything that surrounds me, is inside of me, is inside of me is insignificant. I suppose one could argue that I'm apart of something bigger, something better, but that would only influence my believe that my individual worth pails in comparison to everything else. Why am I like this? Why am I such an overthinking nitwit? I try and struggle to step outside my head, outside my thoughts. I'm jealous of stupid people sometimes; they don't have to think and agonise over things like this. They just get up, put their socks on and get going. I lay in bed staring at the blood stains on the wall for a good 15-20 minutes, struggle to get the sleep dust out of my eyes and look at the clock to realise I've not died in my sleep and I face the possibility of another day of chronic emptiness.
I really don't know what's going on with me. I have a few working theories, but it's hard to focus on one of them. I've been working hard with self-care, eating a healthy, balanced diet, getting a decent amount of physical activity and trying to engage with people. It all feels like its been a vain effort. I thought 2019 was going to be my year. Then again, I thought the same thing about 2018 and 2017. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I know I have responsibilities, but maybe I've put too much on me and not enough time to focus on myself. Changing my diet and making better choices was supposed to help me feel better and it did. It really did, then despite the efforts, it started to slip. I'm still eating an immensely healthy diet, getting physical activity, but the joy it brought me is slipping. I feel myself slipping into disordered behaviour. The urge to binge and purge is creeping up now that I'm under immense pressure. I know what will happen to me if I start to do that again.
I'm starting to re-define the kind of people that I want in my life. I've come to the conclusion that I can't keep holding on to people who have little to no regard for me or see me as some kind of pet they can play with when they have nothing else to do. I'm sick of being treated as a commodity. I'm not. I was going to say that's because commodities have worth but then I realised, I do too and that is why I'm angry. I feel my dedication, attempts at friendship and wanting people in my life have often backfired. I've made poor friendship decisions many times over and I think finally the lessen has hit home. I need to look at who is best for me to have in my life and not just be desperate at times to talk to people. I think my fears of wanting people to like me, the fear that I will be forgotten or left alone play into these choices of friends. I don't think about the negative that can happen, I just jump in and give them all my attention and focus, forgetting some of the important factors in a friendship or setting time aside to focus on me.
I've been drained by focusing on him to too long. I lost a lot of my self-identity in him, just enjoying his company, becoming close with him has formed a rather strange bond. I feel myself responding to what he does both physically and emotionally. I'm tired of being a soundboard for him, chasing the response always because I'm either ashamed of how I feel or don't know how to express the things inside me. It's unhealthy the level of dependency. I've been thinking about this for a while, but it really came to a head last Friday night when his bullshit pushed me over the edge. I need to work on my skills for tuning him out when he's having a mood swing that could trigger one of my own. I want to be there to love and support him always, but love is sometimes knowing when to take a step back so you can be there in the future. I didn't believe that love could be selfish, but now I'm realising that there is a self-love that sometimes needs to come first. He's helped me with that, so have a few other people, even if they didn't mean to.
ALSO!
Coming Soon! New Website is coming soon just for my books! It will feature snippets, an online shop, behind the scenes, tour dates and more! It's been in the works for a little while now, but with depression (yay) my other job and Delectables with Dan all happening a lot of delays happened, but I'm happy to share with you guys that things are back on track!
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