Bus Stop Romance 🚌
I've shared some pretty personal stuff on this blog, so get ready for another bombshell folks. Back when I was 13 or so, I had a crush on a boy who was in the school choir. with me. He was a few years above me in school. He played piano and guitar. He had a band. He was everything I'd fantasies about while I listened to the likes of Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance and Panic! At the Disco.
One day in the autumn he noticed that we road the same bus route home, me getting off a few stops before him, and he started to talk to me. I was over the moon that an older boy that I liked was talking to me. At the time I was still struggling with my sexuality and gender identity, but I knew that having a crush on Garette was just right. He had light brown hair and green eyes. He oozed cool and sex appeal. He scribbled lyrics in and all over his notebooks and brought a homemade satchel to his courses...And he had a leather jacket he wore all the time.
One day in the autumn he noticed that we road the same bus route home, me getting off a few stops before him, and he started to talk to me. I was over the moon that an older boy that I liked was talking to me. At the time I was still struggling with my sexuality and gender identity, but I knew that having a crush on Garette was just right. He had light brown hair and green eyes. He oozed cool and sex appeal. He scribbled lyrics in and all over his notebooks and brought a homemade satchel to his courses...And he had a leather jacket he wore all the time.
I thought that since I'd heard more than once that he was bisexual that he might actually have an interest in me, regardless of my gender. I was hopeful, but I didn't know how to tell him about me. Would me telling him that I was wondering about myself, questioning my gender be a dealbreaker for him? Could I handle that? We talked for weeks on the bus, sharing stories, laughing and getting to know one another. But he'd not talk to me in choir or even look at me. Maybe he didn't want his mates to know he was talking to someone my age since he was three years older. Or maybe he was just ashamed of me. I didn't know what to think. In hindsight, I should have known better, but when you're caught up in the lovestruckness of youth, you're blinded to pretty much everything around you. I wish I knew better than be dazzled by a beautiful smile and green eyes.
After weeks of talking and getting to know one another, I asked him if he'd ever go out with me. I had heard that he was single and I needed to know if anything would happen with him. I desperately wanted it to so maybe my classmates would stop teasing me; maybe I've finally found someone to love me despite being awkward with chubby cheeks. He told me that he'd just gotten out of a relationship so he wasn't ready to jump into something new just yet. It wasn't a no. He just wasn't ready. I could respect that. I told him that I could wait until he was. I went home that evening and danced around my room thinking of all the things we could do together, what it would be like to have his hands on me and how it would feel to have a crush returned.
After weeks of talking and getting to know one another, I asked him if he'd ever go out with me. I had heard that he was single and I needed to know if anything would happen with him. I desperately wanted it to so maybe my classmates would stop teasing me; maybe I've finally found someone to love me despite being awkward with chubby cheeks. He told me that he'd just gotten out of a relationship so he wasn't ready to jump into something new just yet. It wasn't a no. He just wasn't ready. I could respect that. I told him that I could wait until he was. I went home that evening and danced around my room thinking of all the things we could do together, what it would be like to have his hands on me and how it would feel to have a crush returned.
In my excitement, I didn't really notice that he wasn't as friendly with me. Maybe he was just thinking things over. Maybe it was all just in my head. It was my first real-time asking someone out. I mean, I tried when it was my first winter dance a year or so before and that...he said yes as a joke and I ended up humiliated at the dance. Maybe I'll share that story another time. It went on for a few days, then he resumed his seat next to me on the bus and it was as if nothing had happened. I waited for him to give me an answer, but he never did. I found out the truth when I looked out the bus window and caught him kissing a blonde girl who was in his year. My heart shattered.
I was so stupid to think he'd ever entertained the idea of going out with me. I was ugly, stupid and freakish. I hid from him on the bus. I moved from my regular spot and tried to hold myself together as I rode to my stop. I got off the bus and ran into the house to cry. In the same room days earlier where I was dancing around on cloud nine, I was curled up sobbing into my toys. He couldn't even tell me that he wasn't interested in me. If I hadn't had seen that I would have probably asked him about it and humiliated myself even further. I bet he was laughing about it with everyone that he knew.
When I saw him later I told him I hope he's happy with his blonde. He looked surprised that I knew about that. I wasn't as stupid as I looked. He didn't say anything to me after that. I'd lost a friend...but was he really a friend? I thought about it and I realised that I was probably just some joke. Many of the other kids laughed at me and called me gay so it was probably a way to see how gay I was. I looked like the little boy I wanted to be inside, hidden under a thick layer of eyeliner, (Hey, it was popular for men at the time too!) but it surprised me that they all made fun of me.
I hadn't thought about him in years until I heard through a friend that he'd been convicted of murder and was spending time in prison. I couldn't help but laugh. Finally, after all this time, justice had been served! Well, that's how I saw it. My humiliation at his hands was finally...karma. He's probably still in prison and that puts a smile on my face, even though it probably shouldn't.
I was so stupid to think he'd ever entertained the idea of going out with me. I was ugly, stupid and freakish. I hid from him on the bus. I moved from my regular spot and tried to hold myself together as I rode to my stop. I got off the bus and ran into the house to cry. In the same room days earlier where I was dancing around on cloud nine, I was curled up sobbing into my toys. He couldn't even tell me that he wasn't interested in me. If I hadn't had seen that I would have probably asked him about it and humiliated myself even further. I bet he was laughing about it with everyone that he knew.
When I saw him later I told him I hope he's happy with his blonde. He looked surprised that I knew about that. I wasn't as stupid as I looked. He didn't say anything to me after that. I'd lost a friend...but was he really a friend? I thought about it and I realised that I was probably just some joke. Many of the other kids laughed at me and called me gay so it was probably a way to see how gay I was. I looked like the little boy I wanted to be inside, hidden under a thick layer of eyeliner, (Hey, it was popular for men at the time too!) but it surprised me that they all made fun of me.
I hadn't thought about him in years until I heard through a friend that he'd been convicted of murder and was spending time in prison. I couldn't help but laugh. Finally, after all this time, justice had been served! Well, that's how I saw it. My humiliation at his hands was finally...karma. He's probably still in prison and that puts a smile on my face, even though it probably shouldn't.
I guess I was prompted to write this to share a little more with you guys. I've become far more open about my past, I guess it comes with writing a book about it all. I'm thinking of breaking it into two parts, but I'm not quite sure that I want to do that. Do you guys have any thoughts on that?
+UPCOMING+
There will be a new blog about what it's like to be on T for a year coming to Mental Masturbation soon! I'm currently working on that, so hold tight on that one.
I'm working on some of the new steps to bring Paper Hearts into the world! I believe I said in my last blog that I wasn't sure if I was going to have it all ready for a 2020 release date, but we'll see. It will most likely be 2021 for that one. I'll be uploading another preview sometime soon so be prepared for that!
I'm working on some of the new steps to bring Paper Hearts into the world! I believe I said in my last blog that I wasn't sure if I was going to have it all ready for a 2020 release date, but we'll see. It will most likely be 2021 for that one. I'll be uploading another preview sometime soon so be prepared for that!
I'm thinking about doing a new Delectables with Dan soon! I have some things together for the autumn lineup. Let's see if I can get off my arse and execute them! I know I'll have a little window in August to start all the blog framework. I already have the plans drawn up for what I want to do.
I'm really looking forward to Halloween this year! You guys remember last year? I was higher than a kite on a new chocolate bar that I was trying out. I don't know if I did a proper sort of review for that? Too late now! This year I'll have some little Halloween treats :)
I'm really looking forward to Halloween this year! You guys remember last year? I was higher than a kite on a new chocolate bar that I was trying out. I don't know if I did a proper sort of review for that? Too late now! This year I'll have some little Halloween treats :)
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