Return of the Suicidal Thoughts

Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. 
It seems to be a theme with me lately.

Maybe it's the same kind of thing with everyone;

these hills and valleys.

I'm still taking all the pills that are supposed to keep my head screwed on the right way round, but for some reason, I feel completely hopeless and worthless. Maybe it's from the isolation I've had being home for about a month recovering from my surgery. I've had visitors here and there, which was lovely, but I actually started to miss work. Maybe not the work itself, but the guys there. We all have a good rapport. 

I think of all the things that I will miss when I'm gone and in the moment I'm not all that bothered. It almost seems worth it to end these feelings of worthlessness. In my head, everything is neatly boxed away. Why would I want to make more of a mess for anyone? It would all just fall into despair. All of the treasures I've collected throughout my life, my collections, I don't want them all just thrown away. Now, I sit and stare at my computer screen filled with confusion and blame. 

Just last night I was making long term plans with a friend for the autumn, but when I got home I wondered if I would live long enough to see another turn of season. I hate the way these thoughts come out of nowhere and fog my brain. I should be happy, fulfilled and thankful that someone wants me around, yet I feel like I am just a burden; that I was just invited to ease their conscience, so they can say well at least I invited him. It feels like I'm back in school and when it was someone's birthday, if they brought in treats for the class, everyone needed to get one. I'm the child with the pity cupcake. I don't know why these feelings are weighing on me the way that they are. 

 I know that I am worthy of love and affection on an intellectual level, I just don't feel it. It especially stings when you realise that someone you've been in love with for the longest time doesn't want you and it was something of a game to him. It cuts like a knife. It makes me not want to bother opening up anymore. I was so walled off before I met him. I thought opening up with him, to him, would be something exciting, intoxicating and exhilarating. The flirting was. The exchange of silly stories. All the times his hands brushed mine. It all felt like magic to me and it was all some sort of entertainment to him. Why couldn't I see? I was once again blinded by what could be that I failed to see what was right in front of me. I know that I need to get over this, not let it weigh on me, but it will take some time, after all it took me three months to realise that what I wanted from him was more than friendship.