BECOMING DANIEL: Processing Top Surgery

I'm getting used to a new body. I mean, it's still mine, but in some ways it's different. I'm feeling all-new sensations, I look different and people are viewing me differently. I've lost an identity but gained a new one. It's hard to put into words. I was something different before the surgery. I felt like it was harder for people to take me seriously as being a transgender man when they saw that I had tits.  Everyone called me she/her despite my asking to not call me that. Strangers around me saw me as a female and that was something that I really struggled with. My co-workers and friends who I've been out to for a while now would once or twice slip up since they had known me as a girl and saw me every day being somewhat of a female. I felt like some sort of pretender, masquerading around on eggshells. My chest was the elephant in the room that everyone noticed but never said anything about. It was awkward for me to work, watching and feeling my chest wobble around. Big fleshy bits of me that I didn't want and don't need. To me, they were fat sacks, trapping me and weighing me down. 
Now having had them removed-God, it's hard to even say the word. It's hard to accept they were once a part of me. That this wasn't my normal, that I needed surgical intervention to be the person that I know I am inside. The person that I need to be. You know, I wish I could make other people understand this. So many don't. It's getting better, I admit and for the most part, I've not really gotten any negative attention or remarks for being trans, which is extremely lucky. 

Having started to transition on a surgical level, I feel freer, more validated. It's been a year since I started therapy and hormones to transition. (There will be a blog on hormones coming soon, I just haven't had the time to start on that, I've had so many other things on my mind.) It's not something that I've just rushed into. It took me a year before that to come out to those around me, just not those in my internet life. I knew that I'd need to start by finding a medical team that could help me with the journey I was about to embark on. I started by looking for hormone therapy specialists, mental health professionals who have worked in the LGBTQ community and how I could go about legally changing my name and gender. When I googled hormone therapy for trans people little did I know that in a year, I would be in a completely different place. I didn't know how long the process would take. I'd heard different timelines from so many different people, so many different journeys that I really was lost on my own timeline. Now, I can happily look back on the year that it's taken me to get to this part. I'm glad that I took the time to weigh my decisions, work through other feelings that were in the way of my transition and gain the support of those around me that I've found to be profound. If I were to just jump into things last year, I wouldn't have been in the place I needed to be to process having top surgery. Puffin, Mummy P, Snuggles, Dawn, Goober, Molly, Jessica, Yasmine, Grace and my sister Peaches have been so beyond supportive. So have the people at work as I recovered. They all wished me well, a speedy recovery and told me they couldn't wait to see me in.

I realise now that I should probably also do some updates on how changing my name legally was, finding the medical team that I have been working with and everything. Those will be posted in the coming weeks. I have a lot of notes to go through and it will bring up a lot of things for me that may be a little difficult to put into words, so thank you for understanding in advance. 
Having had top surgery, I feel like I'm more of the LGBTQ community now. Have I thought about bottom surgery? Yes, I have. I've started to think about that process and what it means for me. Am I about to start embarking on that chapter of my journey? No, not yet. I have a way to heal on my top surgery and with the bottom surgery being so much more complicated, I have a lot of medical professionals to interview and work with before I make any decisions. 
Growing up, I thought that I would have to be trapped in the wrong body; that I would have to be trapped in a life that I didn't want. I wish I had figured it out a little earlier that I had options, that I did have the ability and the inner strength to start on a transition journey. I think that if I did, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, money and time. Do I regret it? Not necessarily, I just look back and see all the pain that I put myself through trying to be someone that I wasn't. I spent so much energy trying to maintain the facade of being a woman that I didn't have any energy to work on the issues that were really bothering me, the things that were weighing me down. Being out, I now am happier, healthier and mentally sound enough to go through all that transitioning contains. If I had any advice for my younger self, it would be that I am enough, that I can do anything that I set my mind to and it only really matters what I think.

I look in the mirror now and see a real smile. I see a body that is close to the one that I want. Seeing a flat chest is something that I've wanted to see when I look in the mirror. No longer do I need to bind my chest, hide under baggy clothes or hide behind camera angles. I can hardly believe it. Coming out of surgery, it was so hard not to undo the binder to take a look underneath. As soon as I could I peeked to see what I was looking like, It was amazing. I did it. I could hardly believe that I took the steps for myself, ignoring the rage of my bigoted mother who hides behind empty values, ignoring the ignorance of those around me who wouldn't understand. I feel more like myself, more like Daniel, than I ever have. I'm gaining a body confidence that I never really had. It's a strange place of mind to be in, you know? I never dreamed that I'd be able to do this, now that I have, I feel so relieved. It's more than just a weight being removed from my chest, it's a new way of life. Not having to hide has opened so many more doors for me. I'm validated in so many new ways that I only dreamt about; ways that I thought would never apply to me. 

I have to admit, as good as it feels to have my tits removed ( I hate saying the "b-word") it's strange. I've had them be a part of me for a large chunk of my life and now they're just gone. The weight being lifted off my chest not only changed the way that I feel about myself but also the way that I carry myself. I'm not worried about the wobbly bits on my chest anymore. It feels different. I never really had any nipple sensation before and now I have so much of it. It's as if I can feel them healing; the stimulation is almost constant and it's the most abnormal feeling ever. Sometimes its great, other times it's like "really, now?" I never thought I'd be saying that. LOL. It's hard to believe this chest is mine. It's been 3 weeks just about since my surgery and it's finally really hitting home that I completed this stretch of the journey. It's not a dream. It feels strange in the physical sense but wonderful in the emotional sense. I'm more aware of my body. I can feel my ribs so much easier. My muscles feel tighter. I'm healing and I'm looking forward to seeing how my body changes as I continue to heal. 

I'm thinking that I will do a blog on choosing a surgeon, how it worked for me and list some resources for people. If other trans people have stories to share on surgeons and other doctors, please reach out. I'd love to hear from you and I know other people like us would love to as well. 

Surgery: Pioneer Valley Plastic Surgery
Springfield, Massachusetts
https://pioneervalleyplasticsurgery.com/breast/ftm-top-surgery/#faq