Grocery Freakout
I've never had something like this happen before. Or maybe I did, but it wasn't that as intense so I don't remember it. I had a meltdown in the grocery store. I nearly burst into tears right in the frozen food section and I'm not sure as to why. Nothing happened before I got there. I left from my mate's house, wanting some snacks for the evening's high times. It's about a 6-minute walk from her house to the store. The sun is getting ready to set.
I'm not even in the store a minute before I realise the lights are really bright. I squint through the produce section. They're too bright. Why is everything in such vibrant colour? Am I the only one seeing this? I touch the little metal stand to hold plastic bags for fresh fruit and veg. It's so shiny. Then it hits me how loud the store is. All these different people. All these different lives overlapping.All this different chatter. Voicing overlapping. All these scents; produce, bread, baking pizza, soups, pastries, bodies, coffee brewing. Scents overlapping. I want to clutch my head and fall to the ground. It's too much. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know any of these people and for the first time in a long time, I feel scared and alone. Nothing feels safe. It's almost as if I've walked into some sort of an alternate reality. I want to cry and scream. I manage to hold my composure.
The warmth of the muffin enclosure hits me and it's like stepping into a warm shower. It's comforting. While the door is open I can concentrate on one thing. One small moment. I try to tune out everything around me, and I do when I'm selecting out the muffins that I want. I look at all the different flavours available. Blueberry, banana nut, chocolate chip, streusel, coffee-cake, carrot, bran and...Boston cream? When I turn back around, once again, everything hits me all at once. I need to get what I want and get out of there. I'm wanting something green, something healthy. All of the pre-made salads have fucking meat. WHY? I could manage cheese if I absolutely had to, but there is no way I'm putting animal flesh in my mouth.
I just want something green and quick. I can always do cucumber slices and sundried tomatoes with something. I've always wanted to try them...god I want garlic bread. Is that what I came here for? The building gets brighter just when I think it impossible. I navigate around the soup and olive bars, staring deep into their contents as I pass by. Why are these things here? Who thought these things were a good idea to put in our bodies? Who was the first person to ever think 'I think this tastes good' and made something? I clutch the muffin bag, the small bag of dried tomatoes and the cucumber and wander almost aimlessly looking at all the vibrant colours. The world was muted in colour only a day ago, how could everything change so fast? It starts to feel fake like I'm on a film set and not in a real store. I need to see if it's real. I want to take a bite out of the candy display but I don't know if it's safe for me to eat. I try the pic n mix and to my surprise, I get a real sweet. Maybe I'm just imagining the sweet is real?
Tears well up in my eyes. I don't know what to do. It's cold and I have to walk back to her house. What if I can't do it? I don't want to be seen. Everyone here is laughing at me. I don't belong here. I don't have the right to spend my money here. I feel completely worthless as I struggle to make my way to the frozen food section. I almost can't breathe. I want to know what's happening with me, but I don't trust anyone around me. I don't know any of these people. They might want to hurt me. Who can be trusted? Where is safe? I feel so small and little. I grab the garlic bread out of the freezer section and make it to the till. The cashier is about my height and age. He's got thick black hair and stares at me for a minute. "Do you have a membership card you'd like to use?' Tension bursts out of me. "Why does everything have to be so exclusionary? Can't everyone just get a fucking deal?!" The hysteria in my voice must frighten him a little bit because he pulls back. "Let me put in a store card for you." He does so while I fumble with my debit card. It feels so heavy. I slide it through and grab my items before the cashier can even hand me back my receipt. "Do you want a bag?" A bag could be used to suffocate me. Then I'll be thrown down the ditch with the rest of the trash. Then everyone will laugh at me even more, even harder. They'll make Facebook memes about my fat, loser ass being dumped like the rubbish that I am. "NO! I HAVE POCKETS!!" I think I'm shouting. People are looking. I stuff my items into my pockets and race out of the store.
The cold air hits me and I'm able to breathe easier. I lean against the building feeling my blood in my veins. It's so hot. I'm so hot. Then I'm cold. I just want to get back to her house. Snuggle down with my blanket, the dog and eat something while I try to figure out what the fuck just happened to me. I've never had this level of an episode. I don't even know what I would call this thing. I'm scared it will happen again and it will be longer. I wipe my eyes before I reach her house. I don't know if she'll be there before I get there. I just need to hold it all together before she goes to work, leaving me with the dog. I don't need her upset when she's got to go and work a mental holiday sale.
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It's cold. It feels like December, but it's only just around the corner. The air is dry and uncomfortable colliding with the back of my throat as I step out into the early morning light. I'm greeting by greys and pinks mixed with a muddled sort of blue-grey. My mate's dog bounces forward down the walk anxiously waiting to go wee in his favourite spot. I'm lost and unsettled. I don't know why, but I'm on the verge of tears. I want to just curl up with the doggo and cry my eyes out. I don't really have all that much to be sad about, but it feels more magnified than ever. I don't know how I'm going to keep my composure when I go to work in a day's time. Maybe it's all the stress from work. Maybe it's the sense of alienation and not being good enough; great, now I sound like one of those stupid, whiney-arsed kids who complained that they're not being validated in their workplace. I wish I was more appreciated for the things that I do there; a little recognition for going above and beyond.
I'm not even halfway down her street when the tears come. I've been holding so much inside for so long. I just can't take it anymore. The walls I've built up are crumbling down. I'm thankful it's not yet cold enough to freeze the tears that are splashing down my cheeks. I feel so alone. Isolated from everyone and everything. I'm a background character no matter what I do. I don't have any worth. I love so deeply and for what? It's never returned. I curl up inside myself and allow myself to cry like I haven't in the longest time. "Why am I not loved like I want? Like I think I deserve? Am I never to be loved?" I don't know if I'm screaming all of this out into the silence of the early morning, but my throat is raw. The dog looks at me, wondering when we're going to start moving again. I pet his head and we continue down the street. What is happening to me? Is it the time of year? Or am I just really coming apart at the seems?
The warmth of the muffin enclosure hits me and it's like stepping into a warm shower. It's comforting. While the door is open I can concentrate on one thing. One small moment. I try to tune out everything around me, and I do when I'm selecting out the muffins that I want. I look at all the different flavours available. Blueberry, banana nut, chocolate chip, streusel, coffee-cake, carrot, bran and...Boston cream? When I turn back around, once again, everything hits me all at once. I need to get what I want and get out of there. I'm wanting something green, something healthy. All of the pre-made salads have fucking meat. WHY? I could manage cheese if I absolutely had to, but there is no way I'm putting animal flesh in my mouth.
I just want something green and quick. I can always do cucumber slices and sundried tomatoes with something. I've always wanted to try them...god I want garlic bread. Is that what I came here for? The building gets brighter just when I think it impossible. I navigate around the soup and olive bars, staring deep into their contents as I pass by. Why are these things here? Who thought these things were a good idea to put in our bodies? Who was the first person to ever think 'I think this tastes good' and made something? I clutch the muffin bag, the small bag of dried tomatoes and the cucumber and wander almost aimlessly looking at all the vibrant colours. The world was muted in colour only a day ago, how could everything change so fast? It starts to feel fake like I'm on a film set and not in a real store. I need to see if it's real. I want to take a bite out of the candy display but I don't know if it's safe for me to eat. I try the pic n mix and to my surprise, I get a real sweet. Maybe I'm just imagining the sweet is real?
Tears well up in my eyes. I don't know what to do. It's cold and I have to walk back to her house. What if I can't do it? I don't want to be seen. Everyone here is laughing at me. I don't belong here. I don't have the right to spend my money here. I feel completely worthless as I struggle to make my way to the frozen food section. I almost can't breathe. I want to know what's happening with me, but I don't trust anyone around me. I don't know any of these people. They might want to hurt me. Who can be trusted? Where is safe? I feel so small and little. I grab the garlic bread out of the freezer section and make it to the till. The cashier is about my height and age. He's got thick black hair and stares at me for a minute. "Do you have a membership card you'd like to use?' Tension bursts out of me. "Why does everything have to be so exclusionary? Can't everyone just get a fucking deal?!" The hysteria in my voice must frighten him a little bit because he pulls back. "Let me put in a store card for you." He does so while I fumble with my debit card. It feels so heavy. I slide it through and grab my items before the cashier can even hand me back my receipt. "Do you want a bag?" A bag could be used to suffocate me. Then I'll be thrown down the ditch with the rest of the trash. Then everyone will laugh at me even more, even harder. They'll make Facebook memes about my fat, loser ass being dumped like the rubbish that I am. "NO! I HAVE POCKETS!!" I think I'm shouting. People are looking. I stuff my items into my pockets and race out of the store.
The cold air hits me and I'm able to breathe easier. I lean against the building feeling my blood in my veins. It's so hot. I'm so hot. Then I'm cold. I just want to get back to her house. Snuggle down with my blanket, the dog and eat something while I try to figure out what the fuck just happened to me. I've never had this level of an episode. I don't even know what I would call this thing. I'm scared it will happen again and it will be longer. I wipe my eyes before I reach her house. I don't know if she'll be there before I get there. I just need to hold it all together before she goes to work, leaving me with the dog. I don't need her upset when she's got to go and work a mental holiday sale.
❄️❄️❄️❄️
It's cold. It feels like December, but it's only just around the corner. The air is dry and uncomfortable colliding with the back of my throat as I step out into the early morning light. I'm greeting by greys and pinks mixed with a muddled sort of blue-grey. My mate's dog bounces forward down the walk anxiously waiting to go wee in his favourite spot. I'm lost and unsettled. I don't know why, but I'm on the verge of tears. I want to just curl up with the doggo and cry my eyes out. I don't really have all that much to be sad about, but it feels more magnified than ever. I don't know how I'm going to keep my composure when I go to work in a day's time. Maybe it's all the stress from work. Maybe it's the sense of alienation and not being good enough; great, now I sound like one of those stupid, whiney-arsed kids who complained that they're not being validated in their workplace. I wish I was more appreciated for the things that I do there; a little recognition for going above and beyond.
I'm not even halfway down her street when the tears come. I've been holding so much inside for so long. I just can't take it anymore. The walls I've built up are crumbling down. I'm thankful it's not yet cold enough to freeze the tears that are splashing down my cheeks. I feel so alone. Isolated from everyone and everything. I'm a background character no matter what I do. I don't have any worth. I love so deeply and for what? It's never returned. I curl up inside myself and allow myself to cry like I haven't in the longest time. "Why am I not loved like I want? Like I think I deserve? Am I never to be loved?" I don't know if I'm screaming all of this out into the silence of the early morning, but my throat is raw. The dog looks at me, wondering when we're going to start moving again. I pet his head and we continue down the street. What is happening to me? Is it the time of year? Or am I just really coming apart at the seems?
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