Sad Crying Clown

It feels like I'm a giant joke to everyone around me; like I can't be taken seriously. I'm one of the guys, but not one of the guys. I don't think my co-workers are really supportive like they said they were. I'm not invited along with the other fellas on break and they still call me "she"; they say they forget but they've known since June and I don't really look girlish. I'm really fucking sick of this. I've corrected them, but they don't seem to care that it bothers me. My sense of isolation at work is growing. It's reaching the point where I don't want to go anymore. I feel as if they're all secretly making fun of me for being transgendered, for being my tattooed, brash and somewhat vulgar self. All of them are pretty vulgar and can be brash, but it feels like I'm a giant behind everyone's back. I used to really like going to work, but now it all seems like its just the same repetitive shit. I feel like the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit. Most days before work I now feel like throwing up and I really don't want to do. I feel wholly out of place there and I know its a constellation of the fuck you for being chosen as a lead (once again, but a different job, despite my ability to do the job...having down the same kind of work for 10 years), the pronouns thing and just a general sense of me not really being wanted there. I feel apart from everyone in the crowd. It's a twisted feeling. Some of the guys hang out together outside of work and I'm never invited. I've tried to be friendly and nice and I can be bros and be asked to get one of them a drink but never wanted for anything else. I'm just there to fix mistakes and provide free beverages. That's what they see me as. A big fucking pathetic dope who will just keep on giving. 

I've heard that I'm respected there and people like me, but I have to wonder. Is all this just another game? Another way for my self-esteem to rise a little bit and then I will once again be on the receiving end of an unspoken level of humility? Part of me is paranoid the other part of me is just wondering why I always have to feel this way, why I'm almost always the butt of a joke to some degree. Talking things out doesn't really do much for me. I think that when I talk about how I feel I'm seen as weaker, not a real man and that I'm somehow even more pathetic. I'm trapped. I'm really at a loss for what to do. I can't let this anxiety take over me. I'm sitting on the edge of the world looking out, watching the sun swirl around is, the stars playfully chasing one another on the horizon and me, flexing to jump, but in what direction should I?

I honestly don't know why I try anymore. Wanting to give to people in the hopes they would treat me kindly or how I want to be treated has been a complete failure in every sense. I always walk away feeling used, angrier and with even more resentment weighing me down. Maybe my expectations of friendship are too high? Maybe I just don't understand friendship. It looks so easy for some people and I always find myself struggling and wondering how do they make it work. How do they get someone to care for them? My stomach twists and my heart feels as if it's going to break.
I learned an important lesson with Jake earlier this year. That was a toxic, abusive friendship. I stayed wanting to be a good person, wanting to help someone I thought cared about me. It was nice not being stuck in my house all the time. I felt a little better, but when the yelling and the emotional abuse started, I just curled up. I felt like a child again, my parents fighting and me trying to hold control of myself, of my emotions, so I didn't explode and make everything worse.