Holiday Blues
My life is an empty book. I peek through the crack in the curtains, watching the cold light of day illuminate my skin. I look paler today. Beneath the layers of ink and scar tissue, there's a scared little boy crying out for a hug. If I'm not careful I'm going to break in two. The fun of life is gone and I'm filled with existential fear. I keep on pushing on, asking myself when will it all be worth this? Lines divide the rich and the poor, I'm laying on the ground like a fallen tree, watching the chaos all around me. Baby faced emptiness and shadow drenched floors keep me from ever reaching the ground. I feel jaded and sedated. I don't want to stop and ask why. I'm hooked on my cynicism, relying on that to get by.
Sometimes I like to lay back and wonder what the Earth looks like from space. Is it as muddled and overpopulated? I wonder how peaceful the silence is. Would I go crazy in the silence? Is the cold as welcoming as I believe it to be? Sometimes I think I'm just asleep and everything around me is a corrupt dream. I daydream through a thousand lives. I love the feeling of floating away. I forget everything and everyone. It feels like I've been made to believe in everything that is ultimately a lie. Peeling back layers of deceit to find that I am nothing more than a background character in everyone's lives.
I can wrap myself in my duvet and dream about January snowdrifts. The scent of Christmas lingers in the background; leftover gingerbread men and the hollow promises of a better new year. Soon everything will fade into a perverse acceptance. The winter will melt away and the year will defrost. Everything will be forgotten. The ideals of the holiday season will give way to anger, frustration and the murder rate will go up. (And to think, I dislike summer, which is a time when there are more murders; cause of the heat and all that.) Everyone forgets the concept of peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. I actually kinda like this hypocrisy. I find it funny. Let's not kill each other for the entire month of December. And when rapes, tortures, murders, robberies and other crimes occur during the holiday season, everyone is horrified, outraged. They can't believe people would behave like this. Soon as New Year's comes, it's old news; murders are business as usual. People bet on the number of serial homicides and break-ins that will occur. This is honestly the only part of humanity that I enjoy. The ability/power of denial. Beautiful.
I don't know why I'm thinking about Christmas. It's still a little over a month away; probably because of all the Christmas music at work and I'm forced to see the disgustingly cheerful decorations. They don't realise that this is the worst time of the year for some people. Christmas always fills me with a deep level of sadness, probably because I'm always alone. Seeing all these happy families and friends, sharing company and gifts, while I'm always watching through frosty windows. I wish the holiday didn't exist. It wasn't always like this. When I was little, I'd visit my grandparents or they'd come to visit me. We'd have trays of biscuits, sweets and more. Dishes were piled high with potatoes, broccoli, ham, turkey and more.
There would be stockings stuffed with little toys or games, sweets or bath products. I always loved getting new shampoos for Christmas. I'm not sure why. There would be presents under the tree. My parents didn't hate each other. My grandparents were still alive. I still believed in happy endings. Then we moved. My parents divorced. My grandparents got older and didn't have the energy like they used to. Christmas was a rare time where us children weren't yelled at or punished. There was holiday cheer that I wished would last all year to protect me from all the horridness around me. Christmas soon became just another day for me as the years past. And I found myself alone. People didn't invite me over, so instead, I took to travelling. I could pretend I was living it up on a holiday in another country, while in reality, I was deeply sad and lonely. I knew my sadness didn't matter to people. It didn't the rest of the year and I didn't want a pity invite. I wanted people to want me with them celebrating because they cared for me, because they really wanted me there, not because they felt sorry nobody wanted me. I can't stand pity. There is nothing worse than it.
I find myself exhausted by all of this. Listening to people talking about Christmas gifts lowers my mood even more. One of the blokes at work wants to do a Secret Santa at work. I don't really know how to take this. I've never really done one before, but I understand it. I also know there is plenty of opportunity for shame and embarrassment. I don't want no one to get me? And I'm just sitting waiting and nothing happens; like they all are doing this as a way to mock me and humiliate me... I saw this happen in a film once this to be used as a way to mock the child in the film. I'm honestly anxious about it. He asked me if I wanted to do it and I said sure, we'd have to think of rules and such for it. I'm going to go for it and hope for the best. I don't think they'll do this to me because we all get on pretty well, it's just self-doubt and past horrible experience with peers that has me on edge.
I can wrap myself in my duvet and dream about January snowdrifts. The scent of Christmas lingers in the background; leftover gingerbread men and the hollow promises of a better new year. Soon everything will fade into a perverse acceptance. The winter will melt away and the year will defrost. Everything will be forgotten. The ideals of the holiday season will give way to anger, frustration and the murder rate will go up. (And to think, I dislike summer, which is a time when there are more murders; cause of the heat and all that.) Everyone forgets the concept of peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. I actually kinda like this hypocrisy. I find it funny. Let's not kill each other for the entire month of December. And when rapes, tortures, murders, robberies and other crimes occur during the holiday season, everyone is horrified, outraged. They can't believe people would behave like this. Soon as New Year's comes, it's old news; murders are business as usual. People bet on the number of serial homicides and break-ins that will occur. This is honestly the only part of humanity that I enjoy. The ability/power of denial. Beautiful.
I don't know why I'm thinking about Christmas. It's still a little over a month away; probably because of all the Christmas music at work and I'm forced to see the disgustingly cheerful decorations. They don't realise that this is the worst time of the year for some people. Christmas always fills me with a deep level of sadness, probably because I'm always alone. Seeing all these happy families and friends, sharing company and gifts, while I'm always watching through frosty windows. I wish the holiday didn't exist. It wasn't always like this. When I was little, I'd visit my grandparents or they'd come to visit me. We'd have trays of biscuits, sweets and more. Dishes were piled high with potatoes, broccoli, ham, turkey and more.
There would be stockings stuffed with little toys or games, sweets or bath products. I always loved getting new shampoos for Christmas. I'm not sure why. There would be presents under the tree. My parents didn't hate each other. My grandparents were still alive. I still believed in happy endings. Then we moved. My parents divorced. My grandparents got older and didn't have the energy like they used to. Christmas was a rare time where us children weren't yelled at or punished. There was holiday cheer that I wished would last all year to protect me from all the horridness around me. Christmas soon became just another day for me as the years past. And I found myself alone. People didn't invite me over, so instead, I took to travelling. I could pretend I was living it up on a holiday in another country, while in reality, I was deeply sad and lonely. I knew my sadness didn't matter to people. It didn't the rest of the year and I didn't want a pity invite. I wanted people to want me with them celebrating because they cared for me, because they really wanted me there, not because they felt sorry nobody wanted me. I can't stand pity. There is nothing worse than it.
I find myself exhausted by all of this. Listening to people talking about Christmas gifts lowers my mood even more. One of the blokes at work wants to do a Secret Santa at work. I don't really know how to take this. I've never really done one before, but I understand it. I also know there is plenty of opportunity for shame and embarrassment. I don't want no one to get me? And I'm just sitting waiting and nothing happens; like they all are doing this as a way to mock me and humiliate me... I saw this happen in a film once this to be used as a way to mock the child in the film. I'm honestly anxious about it. He asked me if I wanted to do it and I said sure, we'd have to think of rules and such for it. I'm going to go for it and hope for the best. I don't think they'll do this to me because we all get on pretty well, it's just self-doubt and past horrible experience with peers that has me on edge.
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