BALLS OUT
I was fucking deluding myself. I should have known that the acceptance was nothing more than a short-lived joke. I can permit a lot of banter and shit, which is part of being a freight guy, but this was beyond banter and was just plain cruel. Not one of my co-workers knows what it is like to be transgender or the struggles we face. They tend to act like it's some kind of joke. Like I'm some kind of joke. They don't understand; they seem to think it's not that big a deal calling me she and poking fun at it like I'm not really serious or that transgender isn't really a thing. I really don't know what they think. They've said that they're accepting and people can be who they want to be and whatever, but I don't think that they wholly mean it. I think they're tolerant of me because I can help them at work, fix their mistakes and pick up the slack, not because they actually enjoy me as a person. I feel like a huge joke. I did a blog kind of like this last week, where I felt like I was nothing more than a source of amusement to them and it was really upsetting me; yesterday it came to ahead.
It started out like any other workday. I get there a little before 6 am, set up, clock in and set to work. I'd been there a while and not really saw the other guys, but it wasn't really my job to keep an eye on them, though I usually do. One of them called me over to where a few of them were stocking; usually, they don't call me over unless they need help with something so I wasn't expected to have a container of balls thrown at me. I didn't know what the hell was going on until the ball thrower said, "Now SHE'S got the set of balls SHE's always wanted! And they're scented!" They all broke out into laughter, but I really wasn't laughing. I didn't even try to defend myself or say anything back. It just hit home that I'm really not one of them, everything has all just been an illusion. I am a pure joke. A source of amusement. They may be okay with people like me, but it will always be a joke to them. I will always be left out. I didn't even want to stay at work. I wanted to go home, curl up and cry. I've been humiliated and tortured all of my life by peers and family alike; I thought that I finally reached a place where I was accepted and I wouldn't be treated like that any longer. I mean, last month with the promotion passover despite my excellent work ethic, going above and beyond and the latest displays of fucking favouritism have also been hitting me pretty hard. I've reached the point where I no longer want to be there. I want to be away from fucking everyone there.
It started out like any other workday. I get there a little before 6 am, set up, clock in and set to work. I'd been there a while and not really saw the other guys, but it wasn't really my job to keep an eye on them, though I usually do. One of them called me over to where a few of them were stocking; usually, they don't call me over unless they need help with something so I wasn't expected to have a container of balls thrown at me. I didn't know what the hell was going on until the ball thrower said, "Now SHE'S got the set of balls SHE's always wanted! And they're scented!" They all broke out into laughter, but I really wasn't laughing. I didn't even try to defend myself or say anything back. It just hit home that I'm really not one of them, everything has all just been an illusion. I am a pure joke. A source of amusement. They may be okay with people like me, but it will always be a joke to them. I will always be left out. I didn't even want to stay at work. I wanted to go home, curl up and cry. I've been humiliated and tortured all of my life by peers and family alike; I thought that I finally reached a place where I was accepted and I wouldn't be treated like that any longer. I mean, last month with the promotion passover despite my excellent work ethic, going above and beyond and the latest displays of fucking favouritism have also been hitting me pretty hard. I've reached the point where I no longer want to be there. I want to be away from fucking everyone there.
I kind of also feel like my co-workers mock my sexuality. If they knew the truth about it, the depths of it, I would never hear the end of it. They would humiliate me endlessly. I kind of feel like they do that anyway. Little quips about me and women, ignoring the fact I also like men. Little laughing remarks about me, as if they see me as some sort of a lesbian rather than the bisexual transman that I am. Maybe it's because they're all too stupid to realise there are many depths to sexuality and gender, they act like this. It's really not an excuse. This isn't the first time that shit like this happened. The he-she jokes, asking me what bathroom I go in, combined my old name with my new name. Now that I think about it, everything hurts. These little things have all added up and I'm really having trouble coping. I already hated myself and these people are just making things worse. I feel so empty and hopeless. Like I will never be taken seriously. Nothing I do will ever be enough. It feels like everything is falling apart and I am powerless to stop it.
Remember the Secret Santa worries? Well, yesterday's incident just cemented my decision not to do it. They will use it as another way to remind me that I'm really not a part of the group, I never will be and that I'm just pathetic, something to laugh at for not being "normal". I can't. I can't handle this anymore. I need to pull away in order to protect myself. I'm so tired of being used and treated like this. Never again. I don't want to open up. I want to just be left the fuck alone.
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