The Wafer

I grew up Catholic. I went to Catholic school, but before I was enrolled in the horror of Christian schooling, I went to catechism courses. It's basically courses in Catholic doctrine, beliefs and other various things one would need to be a good Catholic. To be honest, I never was a good Catholic, which leads me to the story I'm sharing with you guys today.

1999 

I'm 8 years old and wearing white. I'm about to make my First Communion. I was excited. I was becoming a grown up in the eyes of the church, but more importantly, I was soon going to be able to partake in the forbidden mystery of the little white cracker the older kids and adults got at the end of each Mass. With my catechism classmates, I lined up, trembling with excitement and then it was my turn. "The body of Christ." I cupped my hands like I'd been taught to do, received the Eucharist (aka the Wafer) and slipped it into my mouth. Disappointment, thy flavour is the Eucharist. I thought that having to eat cauliflower was the bane of my existence at the time, but it was soon replaced by the body of Christ. It was like eating a small sliver of wet cardboard. I knew that I couldn't just spit it out; there were eyes all over me and parents with camcorders and little disposable cameras. 

Disposable cameras! Those were the fucking days! I remember getting one or two of them for little school trips I went on. I had so much fun with those. Then this digital shit had to take hold. I miss disposable cameras. It didn't matter if you dropped it, you'd be out what £4.00 or something? Maybe £7.00 if you were a big spender! These days you drop your camera and you're out at least £100. Prices of shit are getting redonkulous and so is this technology obsession. It's gonna end badly one of these days. Technology breeds trouble. I'll save that thought snack for another time.

I slowly chewed and swallowed it. I returned to my seat wondering exactly what the flavour was. Wet cardboard was the best I could come up with and it stayed with me until I grew up and walked away from the fairy tales, but before that happened I had to suffer through many more encounters with the wafer until a stroke of genius hit me. Week after week, I'd be forced to go to church (see how great that did all of us) and be tormented by the wafer flavour, but then I realised that no one was watching me. I scoped it out a few more times and realised that indeed, no one was watching me after I got it and walked away. Most people were praying or quietly whispering about where they were going after the service concluded. ((It was always like a car race getting out of that building. People would almost push and shove to get out of the building and then as soon as they got into their cars it was like being at a speed track. I guess many of them viewed the church car park as their own real-life Mario Kart track.))

With no one watching, I realised that I didn't have to eat it. I didn't even have to put it in my mouth. I could just pretend. So I did, then slipped the wafer into my jacket pocket. And it sat there for a week, then another joined it, then another and soon I had almost a pocket full of these things. I had to make a choice. I knew that pretty soon my mum was going to notice them in my pocket or in the bin and get pissed off, I couldn't eat them, so I needed to come up with another solution. I actually, in some ways, was afraid to eat it. I'd been taught that after transubstantiation, it was no longer Earthly bread but the body of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour, that I was to consume his flesh so that he could deliver me from sin and the agony and flames that awaited me in eternity. Isn't that a spooky concept? And teaching that to vulnerable children? I dunno, seems like something bad is going to come out of this...oh wait, it already has. *Cough* Crusades, Serial Killers, Middle East War. I thought about burying them in the dirt, but then I worried, if it was indeed the body of Christ, would he come up through the Earth as a Zombie and get me? Would it be like all the dead people in the cemetery and if I accidentally stepped on his "grave" would he haunt me forever? Wasn't he already haunting me? What was I supposed to do when the grave was full? How many of the little Christ wafers would fill a grave? I sat pondering until the solution to my question and oddly enough prayers, walked by. The dog. 

Why hadn't I thought of this before? I called her over and reached into my pocket for a wafer. She sniffed it and then deciding it smelled okay, ate it. Stars exploded in my head. 'EUREKA!!' "You want some more?" Cocoa wagged happily and I was more than happy to open my pocket so she could get right in there. From that moment on, I fed them to our chocolate lab, Cocoa. I didn't see it as a problem. Waste not, want not was my train of thinking here, until my über Catholic grandmother caught me feeding it to the dog one Sunday when she visited the house. I thought her cross was going to melt off her, she turned so red. She yelled at me like she never had before. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! THAT'S JESUS! HE DIED BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU! HE DIED TO SAVE YOU!!" "But if his father is God, and he loves me, and God is all-powerful, why did he have to send his son to save me? Why do I even need to be saved if he created me and he is the one judging me?" She just stared at me for a while, struggling to find the answers to my questions. "That's just what we believe." "But why?" "Because the Bible says so." "But God didn't write it, people did. So it's really just what people think about God." She had enough. She smacked me across the bottom and told me not to be rude. I thought she was going to put me through the glass sliding door when I said, "Well you believe what you want, but I'm still not eating that dodgy-arsed cracker." No need to wonder why my photo isn't displayed on the 'My Family' wall of her house.

Still, to this day, I never did get those questions answered. I don't understand why things have to be so backwards and contradictory either. If I were God, I'd want people just to follow along as easily as possible; creates fewer hang-ups, chances for back-chatting and confusion. Maybe that's the goal of the entire thing, just cause mess and confusion. Like this entire existence is like a poorly made reality telly programme. As much as I like to bitch and complain about humanity and certain aspects of faith, I do like to sometimes just sit back and watch all of the chaos ensue.

Just a little side note here: It's interesting that a group that embraces cannibalism, literal or metaphorical, depending on your own personal views on transubstantiation get all hung up about gays and transgendered people. Somehow putting your cock in another man's arse or changing what organs you use to have sex with is a bigger no-no than chowing down on your fellow man. I can't follow the logic on this one. Anyone? Anyone? I can't recall a single instance where being gay or trans caused an entire group of people to go insane and die of brain fever. And whatever happened to all that 'love thy neighbour' shit they drilled into us? Catholosism: the act where engaging in ritual acts of cannibalism is embraced and celebrated but you can't marry someone of the same species with the same sexual organs. 

I rather liked doing this blog. Maybe I'll do another one talking about some of my earlier religious experiences. I had one Danny vs Hell that I did about a year ago. There's actually a prequel to that gem that I'm working on, so prepare yourselves for that.


LINKS
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I've not done that many Delectables with Dan updates this month, despite it being cupcake month because of costs. Yes, I do have a job, but I also help support others besides myself. It's hard enough trying to do that as well as all the baking for this blog when I don't get revenue from it. Google Ads have banned me because I use adult content and adult language-yet they service porn companies. So bear with me. There will be a new Delectables with Dan coming up soon though! Sometime next week.
I will be doing a few meet and greet things when in Rhode Island for business the first week of October so if you're interested you can get all the info by clicking the link below. It's free to hang out with me, but some of the places I will be at have fees for tickets etc.Hope to see some of you guys out there!

 https://thespacebetweenloveandlies.blogspot.com/2017/09/rhode-island-meet-greet.html