Adventures in Psychopharmacology 4 🐭

The last session with Elvira I can barely remember, I just remember there was a medical student there taking notes and she asked me if the girl could sit it. I gave consent and began to unravel in the oversized leather couch crammed in her office. Only one thing really stood out from that last meeting; how while I was telling her how I was sinking deeper into depression, I'd had two manic fits and just had no energy or drive anymore, I had a Joker-like smile on my face. The student asked me, "If you're so miserable and feel so awful why do you have such a broad smile on your face?" "Because I'm outwardly rather upbeat, friendly and positive...I know that if I showed the depths of my pessimism and depression I'd probably never be able to stop crying. The few things I have holding me together would snap." I never realised how true that was until I said it out loud. 

5 July 2017
11.00


I told Elvira about what happened with Melfi; the weight comments and how they've set me off. She didn't believe me. "I can't believe she'd say something like that. It doesn't sound like her." Well, it did happen. I told her that I basically clammed up for the rest of that session, unable to find my voice. I should, in retrospect, have told her that it made me want to smash my head into a wall. I wanted the memory of the session to just vanish. I honestly don't know why I was surprised by what she said; after all, it wasn't the first time that she said something that sent me off, but this was by far the most upsetting. 
She prescribed new medication for me, adding to the other 6 she's got me on. Really, what's the point? I've told her the other ones don't work and she doesn't really listen, just upped the dosage. How is this really medicine? When does it cross the line of aiding someone to doping them up so they'll shut up? 

All these medications do is strip me of any ability to gather energy. Sometimes they do allow me to feel better and be productive for a short amount of time. I lay in bed day after day in a semi-vegetative state basically. I'm disgusted at the fact that I can't think properly, can't achieve almost all of my goals, that all I do is sleep all day. I feel like a completely unproductive slob. I lay in bed and look at the pile of laundry, the blood stains on the carpet, the smell of death lingering around me. My limbs feel weighted down and my brain is muddled in a thick layer of snow. I know I have to get up, I'm just too tired. It's not really a physical fatigue, it's a mental one. It's my brain sending messages of cellular destruction coursing through my neurones. 

It's added more unwanted jelly to me and worsened my self-image, that is if it could have gotten any lower. Why should I take tablets that only deepen the content I hold for the body I was cursed with? Take tablets that have side effects that could further worsen a condition I harbour in me. The doctor knows this, yet she's weighed the risks and chosen to prescribe it. I don't think she understands the fear that resonates through me. The worry I go through on almost a daily basis. I'm under so much stress because of this and I don't even know where to start with it. I see the corruption in my skin in the mirror, the disgusting fat that's unappealing to me in every way. I wish I could be oblivious to my appearance like so many are, but alas, I'm not. 

It feels in many ways, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder have stolen my life from me. I've lost irreplaceable time and memories battling with my own mind, imagined fears and the abandonment of those who have claimed to love me because they cannot handle the illness any longer. 

I'm not going to take the new ones. I'm not going to continue taking the other ones she's prescribed for me. I want to learn ways of feeling better on my own and calm myself in the event I can't get the medications I've been on. I've been a lab rat for these "doctors" for the past 8 years of my life and I'm at my wits end with all of it. Some of them work for a short time, some don't work at all or the side effects are so horrible they make me want to die for different reasons. Modern medicine. What a crock of shite. 

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