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Delectables with Dan: MAKING MERMAID FUDGE! 🎏


Summer is coming to a close, thank the fucking Christ child for that, and I wanted to do something to salute the end of summer. I'm already dreaming of pumpkins, thick jumpers and fires in the autumn nights. 

Mermaid Fudge. 
I'm joined by little helper Dan as usual. We've laid out our supplies and made sure we've got everything together before we start...unlike last time when I had to stop mid blog and run to the market for shit.
You will need:

525g white chocolate chips/chunks
396g sweetened condensed milk (roughly one tin)
Pastel food colourings teal & purple
1 tsp vanilla essence

((Since I've gotten a few questions about where I got him, you can get yours at Dan and Phil shop. You can get the Phil version there as well. He was featured in the Boston Tattoo Convention Adventures and last years New York City mini tour.
https://www.danandphilshop.com/ ))


Make sure the pan is greased before you start melting the chocolate because it will cool quickly and you don't want to have to try and remelt it. ((I later discovered the pan was too big and I ended up having to switch to a smaller baking dish.)) I almost burned my paw trying to get the hot melted chocolate out of the pan and into something else. There's a lesson in all this here; if you're going to be using melted chocolate either in the kitchen or the bedroom, make sure that you have a first aid kit ready and you have a firm grip on what you're about to attempt. ((Please don't sue me if you get burned, I have nothing.)) 



Before we get to burning ourselves and others with melted chocolate, we're going to have to melt it first. In a sauce pan, add in your white chocolate chips/ chunks and your can of sweetened condensed milk. Give it a good stir with a rubber (scraper, not a condom) and turn the heat on low. You want it to melt slowly, nice and even. You don't want it getting stuck to the pan either, cause that's a time-consuming mess and who's got time to be scraping cookware when there are muffins to meet and people to eat? That should be a blog title itself...keep an eye out for that one in the future. 

As the chocolate begins to melt stir in your one tablespoon of vanilla. What is this vanilla obsession lately? Everything I've been doing has it in there. Is this a new form of addiction? Should I start a vanilla addicts support group? Cash in on it before someone else swoops down and steals somethin else out of my pocket? Might be worth outlining. I'll let you guys know how that goes. Once your chocolate is evenly melted (that means it's not lumpy like Rosie O'Donell's thighs) you're going to want to quickly take it off the heat and dive into the next step. 



Separate the chocolate into three separate bowls. I know it says two in the original, but I like the contrast of the white amongst the colours. It's the artist in me. You can do it whatever way you want, just don't try and turn it into that pop-art bullshit. Fuckin' Andy Warhol. You're going to need to do this all quickly to prevent the chocolate from getting hard again. I could make a penis joke here, but I feel like I've done too many of them lately. Sorry gang.

You're going to add your pastel food colourings to two of the bowls and mix thoroughly. Now if you couldn't find pastel colours like I couldn't despite living in a thriving metropolis, you're going to have to make your own. For the teal take a two or three drops of blue (depending on the concentration of you food colouring) and mix it with one to two drops of green, again depending on your concentrations. Mix until white chocolate becomes a beautiful and rich sea-foam green colour. You know, the colour of Ariel's tail. You're going repeat the step, but this time using red and blue. It should turn a flirty and vibrant purple the colour of Ariel's seashells. I'll leave you alone a minute while you all google images of a cartoon character's bra. 


Everybody got their jollies on? Good, let's move onto the next thing we've gotta do here. We're almost finished. We're on second base, getting ready to haul ass to third.  You're going to start the party by pouring the teal mixture into the pan, making sure that it's evenly spread and coats the entire bottom. Once you've gotten your teal down, it's time to add the purple next! In a zig-zag pattern pour your purple mixture through the teal. Next, take a silver knife and swirl the teal and purple together like shown below. You want the two to blend in a tie-dye kind of style/pattern. You can stop there and skip below if you're not adding the white. Add the white as you did the purple and once poured in take a clean silver knife and create the same swirl pattern you did with the purple, but working in the opposite direction. 



Remember those little candy pearls from before? It's time to use them. That sounded weirdly sexual...anyway before your fudge starts to set, throw a handful or two around the top of the fudge. Don't worry, like a fat guy's ass in a memory foam couch, they'll sink right into it. There doesn't have to be an even amount of either colour, it's just a nice "under the sea" contrast to the other colours in the fudge. Gives it a little something extra. You don't have to add these if you don't want to. Optional. It's worth the effort though and I mean that in more than one way. 



Put into the icebox to chill for an hour (not you, the fudge) before cutting into squares or slices to share. You can just eat it all yourself, sorry if I presumed that you have friends or that you were making this to share with friends. Didn't mean to touch on a nerve there. If you're lonely and looking for someone to share your fudge with, I suggest you try Craigslist. There's always so many interesting and unique individuals on there lookin' for a good time and if you play your cards right you might end up with more than just fudge. No, wait, you'll already have fudge...Nevermind. You might just get an even happier ending. (Do note many of the ladies of the evening now are accepting credit cards. Imagine that! Paying for pussy with plastic. I didn't think Craigslist would ever get that hip. Maybe they'll do me a solid and throw me a few coins for the free advertising I'm doing here.)


 

It almost looks plastic there, but Peaches & Cotton have been eating it like it's going out of style. I don't like white chocolate so I really can't give an opinion on it. The small piece I did taste was rich and creamy, kind of like those Hershey's Cookies & Cream bars. Speaking of those, I brought one back from New York City when I was there last December and Peaches fucking inhaled it. It was one of those massive bars and it was gone within like 20 minutes. The girl loves her some chocolate. 

 Now I don't know if it's gonna be as tasty as Ariel, not that I've had a taste of her, still thinking about that, anyway, but let me know what you think! How did it come out for you guys? This whole thing has got me craving a certain someone in a seashell bra and fishtail. Excuse me while Chubbs and I play mermaid princess. 


Original Recipe/ Content


Things are going to get offensive to some on the next blog here on Mental Masturbation. I'm going to poke fun at religion, mainly Christianity with an idea for a tv programme. Don't waste your time sending me threats, trying to convert me or leaving remarks like that. Constructive ideas, suggestions and critiques are welcome.  As for Delectables with Dan, I'm thinking about maybe doing something with eclairs. Dunno yet. Have some suggestions? Lemme know. 
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Location: London, UK

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