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Danny Does The Personals 💻 👀

I'm not one for internet dating, but every once in a while I'll pop onto Craigslist and check out the personal sections. Some of them are completely hilarious, others make me want to be sick and others leave me pondering. Sexuality is definitely one of the most interesting things about humanity and thanks to the beauty of the Internet, I can explore or take a walk on the wild side, seeing how others spend bedroom time. 



This add was almost too much. "If you're a sexy bitch who likes a fit
and dominant man"? Yeah, that's what the ladies are into these days:
Some guy who hasn't been laid since Queen Elizabeth's coronation trying

to grope you as he nearly ODs on his Viagra. I can think of a hundred different ways

to spend a Sunday night; setting my own genitals on fire is one of them. 
I've blocked out his face, he doesn't really resemble a unicorn. Hey, if he did he probably
wouldn't have to post adds like this looking for sex online, there would be hundreds of 
women in their 20's on their knees ready to suck his wee-wee. (I came to this conclusion based on how often women in their early to mid 20s post unicorn themed things on social media accounts and how unicorn things are flying off shelves.) And for those ladies out there who are into that sort of thing, I suggest My Horse Prince on the Apple App Store. Hours of good times in store for you. 

What have we got next?

Ah, a Blow Job Queen Required. A bit presumptuous, don't you think?
Bit egotistical is it not? Some people should learn to take what's available and be satisfied 
with it. He could be passing up a lot of good times over this need to have a queen. What about
a blow job lord? Let's skip over this and head in the other direction. How about an ordinary woman who'd be more eager to please? She'd listen to everything you have to say and would make it a top priority to make sure you're satisfied. Isn't that the ultimate goal, here? Some people refuse to or are unable to look outside the box. I was expecting a bit more creativity here and I'm let down. I was expecting a bit more from someone clamouring this kind of show. There's no real details, nothing really enticing about the add. Sounds like the intro to a really low budget, film student porno. Offer more of a description, tempt the lady with a silk blindfold. Most women have an abnormal and sick obsession with that Christian Grey tosser, who why not use a bit of his swagger? Jesus, no wonder Internet porns, lotion and wrist brace sales are at an all-time high these days. 

Oh, Calamity! Let's see what else Craigslist has to offer us.
It hasn't let me down before, there's gotta be something else...



This one sounds like something out of Silence of the Lambs, doesn't it? I suggest the police keep tabs on this bloke before he ends up the subject of a manhunt or at the very least ends up on an episode of 'To Catch A Predator". They should do an adult version, that one would boost ratings! Imagine the shit that would go down! Holy Jesus. Oh yeah, that little footnote at the bottom just makes me feel a little better: Genuine Ad. Nothing dodgy about that, is there? This screams mummy issues with a capital 'M'.


And just when I thought it couldn't get any more Gacy-er, I clicked on this one.



Yeah...
Look, fellas, you're not going to get any nookie behaving like this. It's creepy and turns women off.
Think of all the women you've sent dick pics too. How many of them responded in a positive way? Describing your one-half of your junk straight out of the gate isn't ever a good idea unless it's your resume and you're trying to break into porn. 
Though I did laugh at the "Have some monies for the lucky lady" bit. Who the fuck adds that? I do nod at the usage of the word 'monies' that's always classy to me, unlike the rest of this add. The money part makes you seem desperate, mate, but it is a nice bit of bait if you're trying to sucker a woman into putting your penis in her mouth. Money's always a great incentive. Also, makes him seem kinda cheap, there's escort services that do this. It's either he's cheap or he's looking for a little something other than oral play. Here's another bloke the police should keep an eye on.
I don't wonder how people get abducted or raped. The proof is in the pudding. Honestly, people. 
Let's wrap this up before I lose the small amount of sanity that I have left. 

Oh, my God. 
This was the worst thing I've ever done.
Abort mission! Abort mission! 



Here's another contestant who needs to have their head examined. What kind 
of fucked up shit is this? I wasn't sure what the Sybian thing was, so I Googled it. I was thinking that it would be some kind of sci-fi gangbang thing. My mind wandered and I had the vision of a clappy monkey with symbols like in Eurotrip, but that shit was TAME compared to what I laid eyes on as the page loaded. I screamed out the name of the Lord louder than I ever had before and my world came crashing down. Let me put it simply, it's a sort of mechanical bull toy but with a dildo or up to three.  And according to Amazon.co.uk they're really expensive. Not that I was looking at getting one for myself! I can't even with this one. The film bit was too much for me. AND IT'S NOT EVEN HIS OWN! HE WANTS TO BORROW IT FROM WHOEVER REPLIES TO THIS ADD. No, no, no more. I can't do this anymore. This one was too much.


People thought the future would be amazing, there would be space stations to live on, flying cars and all that, but in reality, we've only got a bucking rubber dick fuck toy. Oh, science, you've really let me down here. 


Remember folks, the Internet is a powerful tool and to offer it the respect it deserves and always approach Google with caution. 
If the ads are this good, imagine the pillow talk? 
People will put anything on the Internet and it's only a matter of time before it's discovered. 
If you have any other cities you'd like me to check out, I'd be happy to do that! I've got a part two
coming up soon, where we explore what some of the women of Craigslist divulge. 


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