Mental Health Mondays: The Breakdown 🦇

I went to my regular visit with Melfi on Wednesday and it was anything but the norm. 

It turned into a fucking sideshow.
The entire thing started out normal, she brings me into the office, asks me what I'd been up to in the past week since I saw her and all that. We talked about the stresses going on in my life, how I'm frustrated in more ways than one and that I really just need to a way to vent and not that goddamn deep breathing shite they teach. Mindfulness hasn't been helping, dance keeps it away for so long and I can't be over-medicated that keeps me from working. 

And then I couldn't handle it anymore. "I can't fucking take it, anymore!" It startled her and she stared at me. "Take what?" "This fucking stress!" I put my head in my hands and pulled some of my hair out. "What the fuck do they expect me to do?!" I made a noise that I'd never made before. It was a cross between a monkey and a wolverine. I was half sobbing, half screaming as I told her that I was at my wits end and I was ready to kill one of them. I told her that everything just keeps building up every day and I'm going to end up doing shit that's horrible by societies standards. I was on the floor crying for the one person I want more than anyone and she sat there torn and scared. I don't blame her, actually. I wouldn't try to console me either. It might get messy. I still can't believe I did that. Cried, showed a breakdown of my perfectly crafted mask. I showed her pure emotion that was and still is, eating me alive and it felt so good. It felt raw and reliving and fuck, I'm impressed with myself. I shared and I'm not ashamed. I let someone see me vulnerable and weak and I'm not upset or defensive about it. This is a new territory and I'm unsure how to proceed on the front. 

And she just let me go. "You'll figure it out, you always do. I'll see you in two weeks." It wasn't an ending I was expecting. I'm still kind of mystified by the entire exchange at the end there. I also am burning to know what she wrote about me in her session notes. There be fire in this soul. I'm actually really looking forward to next week's session, as this week she's off and I've never looked forward to a session before. 

When I got home, I needed a shower to wash everything off me. The smell of her office, the upset and everything.  I was confused. I wasn't me. Well, I never really know who me is, but I was less of what I thought I was. The bizarre part? I want to talk about it next week. I want to open up more. I want to share more on what led me to that place and what keeps pushing me to the edge. I love how that was all glossed over and nothing was said about it. Should I have stayed and tried to push? Why did I leave the office panting? This might end badly.

This whole blog was written like shit, I'm ashamed to even share this. Everything's all fuzzy and kind of a blur from that day and then the next day when I went to the regular doctor and all that went on with all that. It was good news, but it caught me off guard and I've just been feeling really lost with everything lately. 

And I also learned that female koalas have two vaginas. 

That was something that I never expected to hear. It fucking blew my mind.

I was just stood there, clutching the cereal box questioning how and why. 

Then I cried for all the male koalas. 

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