Mental Health Mondays: Adventures in Psychopharmacology 3 🦊
What's good?
I know it's not a Monday, but I had to wait until Wednesday to see Elvira and I ran out of time
to type this up with all the other things I've got going on. It actually went well. It's my second time meeting with Elvira. I'm starting to enjoy these little get together's. They are seemingly more therapeutic than the actual therapy...speaking of, I've forgotten when I go this week. Fuck me.
I love when they ask me how I've been. It's not as if it really matters doesn't? You'll never change what's been and gone. Shouldn't they ask, "How are you feeling in this moment?" Or the standard "How has your day been?" It's all just all just more empty sentiments. Today, Elvira had a student sitting in with her and she asked me if I was okay with it. I saw this as a chance to shine, flex my sarcasm muscle and potentially lead this young woman to a new career path. Who knows how many more there are out there like me? I agreed to the student sitting in on our little mini-session and consultation. "Do you have any complaints?" (None that I can share with you...) "With the medication or life?" "Let's start with life and then move onto the medication. You never know, you telling me things that have been going on can help me to make a change in your medications; you could just ignore some signs of problems or miss them." I raised my eyebrows and looked at her like, "Who do you think you're talking to?" She turned her attention back to her laptop and the student's pen danced across her little mini notebook as she scribbled down notes. I turned my focus to the student.
"Well, I'm planning some tour things, got a massive one going on this autumn. I've got a tattoo convention at the end of this month and I'm thinking about going away to the sea this summer. You know, get in touch with nature; embrace the animal within me." Elvira lit up at this. "It sounds like you're keeping busy! That's wonderful! Nature is a great way to relieve some of the stress that psychiatric disorders place on someone." Well, fuck, that was completely lost on her. In some ways, I suppose I could be relieving my stress by being completely free, but the trip is about exploring the depths of destruction and limits. I am not a human being and she fails to notice that. "It sounds like the medications are really helping you. It's great to hear that." (Oh, yeah, a real help because I've stopped taking them in December, except for the little sedative treats I was prescribed. Those can come in handy.) I smile, my teeth gleaming in the office light.
"Have you been having any thoughts of self-harm, suicide, things of that nature?" (Well, if I was, I wouldn't tell. I don't want to get locked up into the nut hut again. It's also come to light that she and Melfi aren't sharing notes, like they are supposed to. Oh, tisk tisk. More broads not doing their jobs. What's a fella to do about this?) "No, I've not. I've been too focused on work and Phil. If I had extra time to think about things, it wouldn't be about killing myself." Interesting that she asks about that, as the last time she met she asked me about hurting others and gave me a mini test dealing with the homicidal triad. She's trying to put this puzzle together, yet she has no idea how many of the pieces of the puzzle I'm holding or those that have been lost to time. I'm dying to see how all this will end. Everyone in the past has given up. Is she the one who will get closer than all the others? "Actually, I've not been feeling much. Just cold, driven. It's nothing to worry about, it happens when I'm under pressure. It allows me to focus better." I open my Coke Zero with Vanilla and take a sip. "You know what, speaking of which, Melfi is thinking about changing my diagnosis." This should be an delicious snack for thought.
"Oh? What is she thinking of changing?" "I'm not sure, but the last time we met she said she was thinking of changing a few things." My eyes gleamed, watching her up and down. I forgot all about the student. "I don't even see how she's diagnosing you, she's not a medical doctor or anything." THERE SHE SAID IT! What I've known all along and wanted another to say. Best of all? I didn't have to twist it out of her; she did it all on her own. Internally, I was singing. "It all seems like quite a waste to me. I don't take away much from it. If I'm completely honest, it's a waste of time to me. And the only reason I see her is so that I can see you. I know what game I have to play." (And now I can use this confession as a way to see if they do talk together; I know they're not sharing notes but I want to explore the relationship they have with each other if any. I know that if they do talk, Melfi will try to make the failure of therapy my fault and yadda yadda. Don't give a fuck if I'm honest. I go there to talk. I'm not really interested in mindfulness. I can't focus on one thing. If I do I go out of my mind with that one thought. I'm a multitasker, multi thinker-which she told me was wrong in a previous session. Just because you can't do it, don't hate on me, Sweetheart. Pfft. More often than not, I leave angrier than a mule with his balls covered in duct tape. How's that supposed to help me? See other people's point of view? View their feelings? And I'm supposed to care? Why? They have nothing to do with me. Those who I care about, those who's points of view I'm interested in. I want to know how they are feeling. Not some tramp at the bus stop. Let's get real, here. The world doesn't run on blind affection. Blind affection leads to sexual assaults, murders and more. Be more of an asshole. It might just save your life one day.)
So another helpful sesson. We meet again in May to check my progress or see if she needs to change anything. She got rid of one of the antidepressants, as I told her I thought it was bullshit. (Because it is.) She told me to ring her if I had any issues before our next meeting. See ya in May, Elvira. And I'm honestly really looking forward to it.
"Well, I'm planning some tour things, got a massive one going on this autumn. I've got a tattoo convention at the end of this month and I'm thinking about going away to the sea this summer. You know, get in touch with nature; embrace the animal within me." Elvira lit up at this. "It sounds like you're keeping busy! That's wonderful! Nature is a great way to relieve some of the stress that psychiatric disorders place on someone." Well, fuck, that was completely lost on her. In some ways, I suppose I could be relieving my stress by being completely free, but the trip is about exploring the depths of destruction and limits. I am not a human being and she fails to notice that. "It sounds like the medications are really helping you. It's great to hear that." (Oh, yeah, a real help because I've stopped taking them in December, except for the little sedative treats I was prescribed. Those can come in handy.) I smile, my teeth gleaming in the office light.
"Have you been having any thoughts of self-harm, suicide, things of that nature?" (Well, if I was, I wouldn't tell. I don't want to get locked up into the nut hut again. It's also come to light that she and Melfi aren't sharing notes, like they are supposed to. Oh, tisk tisk. More broads not doing their jobs. What's a fella to do about this?) "No, I've not. I've been too focused on work and Phil. If I had extra time to think about things, it wouldn't be about killing myself." Interesting that she asks about that, as the last time she met she asked me about hurting others and gave me a mini test dealing with the homicidal triad. She's trying to put this puzzle together, yet she has no idea how many of the pieces of the puzzle I'm holding or those that have been lost to time. I'm dying to see how all this will end. Everyone in the past has given up. Is she the one who will get closer than all the others? "Actually, I've not been feeling much. Just cold, driven. It's nothing to worry about, it happens when I'm under pressure. It allows me to focus better." I open my Coke Zero with Vanilla and take a sip. "You know what, speaking of which, Melfi is thinking about changing my diagnosis." This should be an delicious snack for thought.
"Oh? What is she thinking of changing?" "I'm not sure, but the last time we met she said she was thinking of changing a few things." My eyes gleamed, watching her up and down. I forgot all about the student. "I don't even see how she's diagnosing you, she's not a medical doctor or anything." THERE SHE SAID IT! What I've known all along and wanted another to say. Best of all? I didn't have to twist it out of her; she did it all on her own. Internally, I was singing. "It all seems like quite a waste to me. I don't take away much from it. If I'm completely honest, it's a waste of time to me. And the only reason I see her is so that I can see you. I know what game I have to play." (And now I can use this confession as a way to see if they do talk together; I know they're not sharing notes but I want to explore the relationship they have with each other if any. I know that if they do talk, Melfi will try to make the failure of therapy my fault and yadda yadda. Don't give a fuck if I'm honest. I go there to talk. I'm not really interested in mindfulness. I can't focus on one thing. If I do I go out of my mind with that one thought. I'm a multitasker, multi thinker-which she told me was wrong in a previous session. Just because you can't do it, don't hate on me, Sweetheart. Pfft. More often than not, I leave angrier than a mule with his balls covered in duct tape. How's that supposed to help me? See other people's point of view? View their feelings? And I'm supposed to care? Why? They have nothing to do with me. Those who I care about, those who's points of view I'm interested in. I want to know how they are feeling. Not some tramp at the bus stop. Let's get real, here. The world doesn't run on blind affection. Blind affection leads to sexual assaults, murders and more. Be more of an asshole. It might just save your life one day.)
So another helpful sesson. We meet again in May to check my progress or see if she needs to change anything. She got rid of one of the antidepressants, as I told her I thought it was bullshit. (Because it is.) She told me to ring her if I had any issues before our next meeting. See ya in May, Elvira. And I'm honestly really looking forward to it.
🦊LINKS 🦊
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anjathesickboy/
Comments
Post a Comment