Pet Cactus

I'm tired.
The wind howls and cries behind the glass panes of my windows.

The icy night air threatens me, but my heated flannel blankets

are prepared to do battle with the enemy. 

The heating pad is tucked up under my clothes.

I'm still frozen.

I shouldn't have gone out and ran in a t-shirt 6-degreegree weather. 

But I needed to escape. 

Therapy didn't go as planned yesterday.

I went in wanting to confess all the things that were weighing me down,

but instead I ranted and raved and only managed to touch on my latest

anxiety attack.

I didn't dare mention the true extent of despair I feel over what happened

with Bill. I'm too ashamed to let anyone know the entire truth of what happened

with that. I don't want them to see my weakness or perceive my devotion for what it

was...sheer stupidity. 

I applied for another job.
I got it.
It's a partial hire.

They're interviewing a few other people.

They're going to give me a test run before they really hire me.

I'm supposed to get the schedule this week sometime.

I've heard this all before. 

I won't hold my breath.

Another woman spoonfed me this bullshit over the summer and nothing

came to pass. 

My knees and ankles throb.

They're protesting the constant walking and running I've been doing.

They don't understand. 

They want a rest, but I know I need to keep going. 

Push through the pain.

I can do this. 

Ibuprofen takes the edge off of the pain.

My body is tired, it wants to sleep.

My mind is flooded with a wave of chaos, willing me to pen

everything out before my veins explode. 

My dreams have been in black and white.

There is an air of danger and confusion in them.

Shadows sneak into me and leave me haunted long after I've woken. 

I wish I could sleep without dreaming once more.