FIRST GIRL CRUSH??

Sexuality.

What is it? 

It's complex. It's scary. 

But it's not all that you are. 

Human sexuality is, but not limited to, romantic, physical,

spiritual and physiological responses to certain stimuli.  

When I was 15, I experienced my first crush on a girl.
I knew of homosexuality and bisexuality, but I didn't think it ever applied to me. 

I'd only always ever liked boys. I panicked. I worried if I was broken. I was afraid 

of what others would say-especially my parents.  I didn't know what it really made me.

Her name was Shawnee. She was two years older than me and in one of my classes. I'd see

her three times a week. At first, I thought she was a boy until I spoke to her and she pulled off 

a thick jumper. At this time, I wasn't really aware of sexuality and gender identity or pansexuality.

I'd not experienced anything like this before. I was confused and disgusted. 

I told my best friend, who happened to have the class with Shawnee and I. She told me that she 

thought she was cute too. I was floored. Was this bible loving girl really attracted to Shawnee too? Or was it just a way of trying to make me feel better? But then, why would anyone want to fake this sort of sexuality when they knew it could get them beaten up or worse? We never talked about it further. But we'd giggle when we saw her or when we were partnered with her.
This crush was no different in any way, except she happened to be a girl. My palms still sweated, my heart still flipped when I saw her and I wanted to kiss her, just as I wanted to kiss Connor all those years before. I wondered about the state of my soul because I liked this girl. Would God send me to Hell for this, even if I didn't act on these feelings? Are the feelings just enough? 

I still wasn't sure about what God thought, but I didn't want to dwell on it. I continued to enjoy

chatting about her to my bestie, trying to act like it was all normal-that it was no big deal. (Which,

I learned that it really isn't. Who you fancy, who you shag, it doesn't matter as long as your both

consenting adults.) I'd been crushing on Shawnee for 5 months, when my mother found out. You'd 

have thought that I told her that I was a serial killer. Actually, I didn't tell her. She found out from a note in my pocket. 

I still remember the morning clear as day. 

I'd just finished my history lesson when I was told that I had to gather my things,

that my mother was there to pick me up. I thought one of my siblings were sick, 

the house burned down, she and Lennon were getting divorced or he was dead from

falling off a roof. When I caught sight of her standing near the school entrance, she wore

a look of anger and loathing. Then it hit me. It was something that I did. My thoughts shot to

my journals. She read them. She knows about the self-harm....She knows about the vomiting...She knows about Shawnee. Fuck me. 

I got in the car and she didn't even look at me. She asked me, "What the fuck is this?" I wasn't sure what she was referring to. The list of secrets began to roll before my eyes, like credits at the end of a film. "This girl you like. You're confused. It's not normal and I'm not going to put up with this weirdness. I've had enough of the black clothes and the eyes that look like you've been punched in the face." "It's no big deal." I remember how the words stuck in my throat. She didn't say anything else the entire ride home.
Sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen she really unloaded on me. "What is this? You don't know what this is." I didn't want to defend myself. I just wanted her to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. What kind of sick shit is this? Shouldn't she just be happy that I like someone? Fucks sake. "She's a girl in my class...I just like her, okay? Like more than a friend." "It's not going to happen." I wanted to know how she knew...I'd never used any names in the journal, just nicknames. "How did you know?" I didn't want my voice to shake, but I think it might have. "I found this." She held up a note I'd written to another mate at the time. I wanted to be sick. She just sat there, staring at me like I was disgusting.  I didn't want to deal with her cruelty, intolerance or anything, so I just said, "She looked good that day. That's what I was talking about. I was confused in that note, I'd just never had a friend that close before. You know? A real deep friendship love." She pulled back from me. "Well, that's a relief." 

Great. She thinks I'm gross. I worried that she'd tell other people and that I'd be mocked and bullied even more than before. I never talked to her about it again. I've hid my other relationships with girls a secret from her. I don't need her bullshit. I'm okay with my relationships. I'm not afraid of being judged anymore. I'm not ashamed of the girls that I had relationships with.  Now, that I'm more educated about things and have experienced a lot more, I'm happy to say that I'm just me. I usually don't use a label, but if I'm asked to, I identify as pansexual. 

What is the difference between Bisexuality and Pansexuality? 

Bisexuality is the sexual/romantic attraction to people of the male gender

or the female gender. Pansexuality is a sexual/romantic attraction to people 

of their own biological gender (male/female) and or their gender identity.

Gender identity is not an indication of one's sexual orientation.  These are

just my definitions of it and it's also how I see myself.  

https://bisexual.org/

Here you can find answers, support and so much more on bisexuality. 

There's all sorts of stories, resources for bisexuals and answers to your pressing 

questions. 

http://www.stop-homophobia.com/pansexuality.htm

This site offers information, support, information in addition to suicide prevention

for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals, transgenders and more.  

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