Mental Health Mondays: Anxiety Nation
Hey, guys! Sorry this is late. My nan is in hospital and I've been working on the final editorial work for Little By Little.
The weekend was a toxic mess of manic like spikes and overwhelming worry. It's to the point where I just lay awake, counting the minutes. I know that I need to sleep, but I just can't. Caloric counts for the days scroll through my head, worrying that my nan will not come back or if she does she'll just suffer and thinking about him...It feels like there's no escape from anything. My dreams are plagued with haunting images and when I wake up from any light sleep my entire body aches. I've popped so many over the counter painkillers in addition to my regular psych meds this past week that if someone shook me, I'd rattle. I can't eat, even if I wanted to and there's a large part of me that is delighted in this fact. The voice is telling me that it's just my body telling me how gross I am and it's helping me to make it better.
I'm terrified of hospitals, especially after I got locked up in one. I've visited my nan once since she's been there. She thinks it's just because I'm busy on a deadline, but the truth is every time I go into a hospital, it feels like my lungs are about to collapse, my head throbs and I feel nauseous. I know I should grow a set and go see her...probably today I will. I don't want her to think I'm too busy for her. I also don't want her to know how upset the places make me. I went the last time she was in hospital twice and then had to leave for tour. I need to make up for that.
And him...Starboy. He's consuming the majority of the time that's not being consumed by constant worry. For a while it's calming and serene, then I worry that I will not be enough for him. That he will see me for what I am. Disgusting underneath this skin. That I will infect him with my sin and he'll decay. I want him so badly, but I don't want to tarnish him. I fear I'm being selfish for wanting him in all the ways that I want him. I think the greatest fear of all is that I will face rejection. I don't know how much more rejection I can take. I think that might shatter me. I'm constantly walking on a tightrope with no aid and below me are shards of glass. The Devil is inside me and he's clawing at my insides, wanting to be set free.
Keep and eye out for the Little By Little behind the scenes blog as well as Tattoo Talk Thursdays! Things may be a little slower, as Saturday I have to go to a funeral. Thanks for the understanding guys.
Peace.
The weekend was a toxic mess of manic like spikes and overwhelming worry. It's to the point where I just lay awake, counting the minutes. I know that I need to sleep, but I just can't. Caloric counts for the days scroll through my head, worrying that my nan will not come back or if she does she'll just suffer and thinking about him...It feels like there's no escape from anything. My dreams are plagued with haunting images and when I wake up from any light sleep my entire body aches. I've popped so many over the counter painkillers in addition to my regular psych meds this past week that if someone shook me, I'd rattle. I can't eat, even if I wanted to and there's a large part of me that is delighted in this fact. The voice is telling me that it's just my body telling me how gross I am and it's helping me to make it better.
I'm terrified of hospitals, especially after I got locked up in one. I've visited my nan once since she's been there. She thinks it's just because I'm busy on a deadline, but the truth is every time I go into a hospital, it feels like my lungs are about to collapse, my head throbs and I feel nauseous. I know I should grow a set and go see her...probably today I will. I don't want her to think I'm too busy for her. I also don't want her to know how upset the places make me. I went the last time she was in hospital twice and then had to leave for tour. I need to make up for that.
And him...Starboy. He's consuming the majority of the time that's not being consumed by constant worry. For a while it's calming and serene, then I worry that I will not be enough for him. That he will see me for what I am. Disgusting underneath this skin. That I will infect him with my sin and he'll decay. I want him so badly, but I don't want to tarnish him. I fear I'm being selfish for wanting him in all the ways that I want him. I think the greatest fear of all is that I will face rejection. I don't know how much more rejection I can take. I think that might shatter me. I'm constantly walking on a tightrope with no aid and below me are shards of glass. The Devil is inside me and he's clawing at my insides, wanting to be set free.
Keep and eye out for the Little By Little behind the scenes blog as well as Tattoo Talk Thursdays! Things may be a little slower, as Saturday I have to go to a funeral. Thanks for the understanding guys.
Peace.
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