Mental Health Mondays: (Bonus Upload) Communication. What NOT to do when a mate is suicidal
Last night, I wasn't in a good place of mind. I was depressed and feeling worse than I have felt in months. I think everything just came to a close. I felt like I had nothing to offer the world, I would always be a big nothing and that I've always fucked everything up. I wanted the pain to end badly, so I reached out to two mates of mine. Both of them always told me, "when you feel like self-harming or depressed message and we'll work through this." I told both of them that I felt like opening up the gashes from the other night and make several more. It didn't matter what happened. I just wanted the pain, the inner turmoil, the emotional agony to end. One listened. One got angry. And honestly? I think I'm done with the one who got angry. This isn't the first time either. She gets angry when I don't eat or when I want to purge or when I want to cut myself. She told me to reach out to her and I've been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. I'm really sick of these cunts. Why bother saying anything to me at all about wanting to listen if you're just going to put me down and not listen? If I wanted that, I'd give my mum a ring.
So, I reached out to both friends. The first friend got cunty and told me "just don't cut" and started the whole guilt tripping shit of, "I'll be angry with you if you do it." It's not helpful and it really sends the message that you don't care. And I didn't want to deal with her bullshit so I told her that I had to leave, and she's like "Why?" and I told her, "because I'm in emotional agony and you're not helping me." She didn't reply to that. My other mate asked me why and wanted to know why I felt that way. I poured out my heart to her and let her know just how fed up with myself I was. She listened and offered support and comfort. She showed me things how she saw them-that she sees me as a person who is troubled, but wonderful and nowhere as useless as I think I am. She sent me happy pictures to try and boost my mood, which it did. She not only distracted me from wanting to cut, but showed me that she is someone I can talk to in times of struggle. She took me serious, but rather than try and tell me what to do or feel, she reminded me of all that things that make my life worth living.
I explained this to my first mate, how the second girl listened and how she may want to try it in future if she wants to be helpful like she said, but the only response I got was "Why don't you just ask her for advice from now on?" My response to this? It wasn't advice I was wanting, but human connection, comfort. And furthermore, you can go fuck yourself.
So, I reached out to both friends. The first friend got cunty and told me "just don't cut" and started the whole guilt tripping shit of, "I'll be angry with you if you do it." It's not helpful and it really sends the message that you don't care. And I didn't want to deal with her bullshit so I told her that I had to leave, and she's like "Why?" and I told her, "because I'm in emotional agony and you're not helping me." She didn't reply to that. My other mate asked me why and wanted to know why I felt that way. I poured out my heart to her and let her know just how fed up with myself I was. She listened and offered support and comfort. She showed me things how she saw them-that she sees me as a person who is troubled, but wonderful and nowhere as useless as I think I am. She sent me happy pictures to try and boost my mood, which it did. She not only distracted me from wanting to cut, but showed me that she is someone I can talk to in times of struggle. She took me serious, but rather than try and tell me what to do or feel, she reminded me of all that things that make my life worth living.
I explained this to my first mate, how the second girl listened and how she may want to try it in future if she wants to be helpful like she said, but the only response I got was "Why don't you just ask her for advice from now on?" My response to this? It wasn't advice I was wanting, but human connection, comfort. And furthermore, you can go fuck yourself.
And on another note, I was supposed to be in Russia right now, but because I'm an unhinged and unbalanced piece of shit I'm not. I couldn't get my shit together long enough to fulfil a dream and a work-related goal. Nice one. These past two months have been nothing but a complete fuck up of anxiety, crippling depression and bizarre highs. God, if you're listening, make it stop. JFC.
I feel completely invisible in pretty much every aspect of my life. I'm at a loss for what to do anymore. I'm back into therapy and will be blogging that at the end of my Mental Health Monday posts. I don't know what's going to happen. Therapy hasn't worked too well in the past. This will be my 9th therapist in the past 10 years. I'm just wanting some kind of relief.
I feel completely invisible in pretty much every aspect of my life. I'm at a loss for what to do anymore. I'm back into therapy and will be blogging that at the end of my Mental Health Monday posts. I don't know what's going to happen. Therapy hasn't worked too well in the past. This will be my 9th therapist in the past 10 years. I'm just wanting some kind of relief.
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