Danny & The Tree of Life
As some of you know, I am no stranger to drugs of any sort. There have been a few times that I liked my chemistry set a little too much and this is one of those times. I'd eaten a few Blue Dream chocolate chip cookies, 60mg of Prozac, 600mg of lithium and one little white tablet a mate had given me and laid back in my bed. I was just sitting watching the Sopranos when it hit me. The room almost melted away around me as I was pulled into this state of calm euphoria. I was sucked into my mind's eye as Tears for Fear's Head Over Heels began to play and echo through my limbs. A perverse smile made its way across my face with great difficulty, I remember it was hard to control my muscles as it hit me all at once.
I knew my mobile was ringing, but I was head over heels, sprawled out and drooling on my duvet. It was like the ringing was miles away and I could barely make it out, but in reality, my iPhone was a few inches away from me. 'Holy shit!' The words echoed through me and I found them so hilarious I found myself infected with giggles.
The walls melted away and in their place, a murky blue sky blossomed. Small balls of white light shot through the early night sky capturing my attention. I was suspended in midair as swirls of red and orange looped around me and without warning started to tumble headfirst into a black vortex. I was screaming, but I don't know if I physically was or if it was all just in my head. The outline of my body blurred and white light emitted from my fingertips. I was falling through space and time. I had no idea where I was going to come out or if I would ever touch the ground. My mind began to explode with the possibility that I, Daniel Francis had fallen through a wormhole and into another dimension. For a moment I felt like I was the real-life Donnie Darko. A white and black checkerboard vortex withered around me like a snake, snickering as it vanished into the black horizon. "Don't leave me." My voice echoed into the blackness and when it bounced back at me it was magnified. It sounded alien and scary. I don't want to be all alone in this. 'Make it stop!' I know I thought this, but the words were screamed back at me as I continued to fall faster and faster. 'What's happening to me?' And then I lost consciousness. (Well, I must have because I stopped falling and everything was quiet for what felt like the longest time. The silence was comforting and still.)
When I opened my eyes I was standing before a giant tree. It's top was lush and green, its trunk a rich mahogany. It emitted a light golden light and was almost pulling me toward it. I couldn't look away. I didn't want to look away. I needed to stroke it's mighty wonder. I placed my hand against the trunk, it was strangely warm. It felt alive. There was something pulsating beneath my palm. I peeled back the layers expecting to find bugs or larva, but instead, I found chocolate squirrels. They smiled and waved at me as the munched on chocolate coated hazelnuts. I fell backwards and when I looked up I saw a majestic, crisp blue waterfall appear behind the tree and I realised I was laying in the stream. The water was mint and refreshing. So alluring.
I cupped my hands and drank from the stream; as the mintiness of the water coated my oesophagus, I felt fireworks going off in my mind. I saw worlds unfold around me and I was almost beside myself with thirst. I kept drinking. Mouthful after mouthful. The colours became more vibrant. The smells became richer and tastes vibrated through my tongue. I was experiencing for the first time. I'd gone beyond the moral human sensations. I was granted vision. I was seeing what lays beyond physical life; I saw what was waiting for me on the other side. A rich, fulfilling existence.
I'm not the only version of me. There are different versions of me living in different dimensions, different planes of existence. They're all different lives, different careers, but they're all just as empty. They're looking, searching, craving something just as I am. If we all die at the same time will we arrive here on this plane and all be whole again? Which one of me is the real me? Are they all real in their own ways? Am I the one that's not real? What if none of this is real? What if the lives that I saw are just other lives of me? A cycle of lives? One after the other. Birth, life, death. Birth, life death. A contonous pattern, each time I'm still lacking fulfillment? What life am I in now? What if I'm already dead and I'm just re-watching everything?
I don't remember if anything else happened; I just remember waking up in a puddle of drool, no pants on and a half-eaten veggieburger stuck to my neck. I must have leaned into it when I started "falling" and rolled over sometime during unconsciousness. I realised that I'd been out for 12 hours and people were worried when I didn't answer messages. It ended up with me thinking I had some kind of true vision and launched me into a short-lived obsession with Buddhism and the Tibetian book of the Dead. I needed to make sense of what happened to me. I still really don't know why I saw all that. Perhaps it was my drug-addled brain trying to come to terms with all the questions I have, trying to answer some of the things that cause me such distress. I learned never to mix all that shit again because the experience, while interesting and enriching in several ways, was also spooky. Sometimes I think back about the experience, wondering what it all meant. Why my brain went in that direction...I don't think I'll ever know.
I don't know why it drew me to Buddhism, the tree of life is referenced in pretty much every world religion if I'm not mistaken. Maybe I was just bored with Christian and Catholic theology and decided to stick my hand in the Eastern biscuit tin. I eventually got bored with that about 3 months later and I've been an atheist ever since. I did a lot of soul searching during those three months and discovered some absolute truths about existence, spirituality and morality. Maybe I'll share some of these with you guys at a later date.
The walls melted away and in their place, a murky blue sky blossomed. Small balls of white light shot through the early night sky capturing my attention. I was suspended in midair as swirls of red and orange looped around me and without warning started to tumble headfirst into a black vortex. I was screaming, but I don't know if I physically was or if it was all just in my head. The outline of my body blurred and white light emitted from my fingertips. I was falling through space and time. I had no idea where I was going to come out or if I would ever touch the ground. My mind began to explode with the possibility that I, Daniel Francis had fallen through a wormhole and into another dimension. For a moment I felt like I was the real-life Donnie Darko. A white and black checkerboard vortex withered around me like a snake, snickering as it vanished into the black horizon. "Don't leave me." My voice echoed into the blackness and when it bounced back at me it was magnified. It sounded alien and scary. I don't want to be all alone in this. 'Make it stop!' I know I thought this, but the words were screamed back at me as I continued to fall faster and faster. 'What's happening to me?' And then I lost consciousness. (Well, I must have because I stopped falling and everything was quiet for what felt like the longest time. The silence was comforting and still.)
When I opened my eyes I was standing before a giant tree. It's top was lush and green, its trunk a rich mahogany. It emitted a light golden light and was almost pulling me toward it. I couldn't look away. I didn't want to look away. I needed to stroke it's mighty wonder. I placed my hand against the trunk, it was strangely warm. It felt alive. There was something pulsating beneath my palm. I peeled back the layers expecting to find bugs or larva, but instead, I found chocolate squirrels. They smiled and waved at me as the munched on chocolate coated hazelnuts. I fell backwards and when I looked up I saw a majestic, crisp blue waterfall appear behind the tree and I realised I was laying in the stream. The water was mint and refreshing. So alluring.
I cupped my hands and drank from the stream; as the mintiness of the water coated my oesophagus, I felt fireworks going off in my mind. I saw worlds unfold around me and I was almost beside myself with thirst. I kept drinking. Mouthful after mouthful. The colours became more vibrant. The smells became richer and tastes vibrated through my tongue. I was experiencing for the first time. I'd gone beyond the moral human sensations. I was granted vision. I was seeing what lays beyond physical life; I saw what was waiting for me on the other side. A rich, fulfilling existence.
I'm not the only version of me. There are different versions of me living in different dimensions, different planes of existence. They're all different lives, different careers, but they're all just as empty. They're looking, searching, craving something just as I am. If we all die at the same time will we arrive here on this plane and all be whole again? Which one of me is the real me? Are they all real in their own ways? Am I the one that's not real? What if none of this is real? What if the lives that I saw are just other lives of me? A cycle of lives? One after the other. Birth, life, death. Birth, life death. A contonous pattern, each time I'm still lacking fulfillment? What life am I in now? What if I'm already dead and I'm just re-watching everything?
I don't remember if anything else happened; I just remember waking up in a puddle of drool, no pants on and a half-eaten veggieburger stuck to my neck. I must have leaned into it when I started "falling" and rolled over sometime during unconsciousness. I realised that I'd been out for 12 hours and people were worried when I didn't answer messages. It ended up with me thinking I had some kind of true vision and launched me into a short-lived obsession with Buddhism and the Tibetian book of the Dead. I needed to make sense of what happened to me. I still really don't know why I saw all that. Perhaps it was my drug-addled brain trying to come to terms with all the questions I have, trying to answer some of the things that cause me such distress. I learned never to mix all that shit again because the experience, while interesting and enriching in several ways, was also spooky. Sometimes I think back about the experience, wondering what it all meant. Why my brain went in that direction...I don't think I'll ever know.
I don't know why it drew me to Buddhism, the tree of life is referenced in pretty much every world religion if I'm not mistaken. Maybe I was just bored with Christian and Catholic theology and decided to stick my hand in the Eastern biscuit tin. I eventually got bored with that about 3 months later and I've been an atheist ever since. I did a lot of soul searching during those three months and discovered some absolute truths about existence, spirituality and morality. Maybe I'll share some of these with you guys at a later date.
If you don't know the song, you can listen here. It's truly a masterpiece.
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