My First Time

I'm not really sure where the blog was going the last few entries, shares, whatever you want to call them. It started getting way too personal and way too deep, I mean people liked it (couple of hundred views per entry) but I was getting burnt out. I was stuck in that headspace and now the fog is lifting. I have a few that are backdated so I have to post those, which I'll do at a later date. Today I figured that I'd wiggle out of that emotional black hole and share something with you guys that was slightly traumatic, and now awkwardly funny.  

I now present to you.

My First Time 

It was 1998 right before the turn of the new year when I was having a sleepover at my friend Destiny's house. She lived across town, but we'd met in nursery together and the friendship just blossomed from there as we moved onto different schools. We used to get together and have sleepovers once or twice a month. This time started out like any other time. I got dropped off at her house (which I was envious of because it was large and lovely and we were on the high end of poor) and we had after school snacks. When I think back, I can still smell the biscuits her mum had bought and when I close my eyes I can remember the sweet-tang of the juice boxes.
After our snack (there was no eating upstairs in the bedrooms)we ran up to her bedroom and danced around to all of our favourite songs (some of them that were way too old for us, but it was our idea of cool, fitting in with the older kids, so we listened to them anyway.) We'd collapsed onto the bed, exhausted from running around her room and laughing so hard at each other's dance moves. Destiny had the coolest room, shag white carpet, huge bed, a full desk and all the toys any kid could ever want. She had more dolls than I had pairs of knickers. And she had cool older brothers. I wanted them to like me so I tried to impress them with my "cool" moves when they peeked in on us to see what we were doing. (Her parents weren't home and they were watching us this afternoon.) They told us we looked like flopping fishes. Which actually is probably closer than the truth that I'll ever want to admit. We slammed the door on them and jumped high on her bed singing along, loudly and off key, to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls. They were all the rage at the time, them and Britney Spears. I liked them well enough, but when I got home I'd listen to some of my dad's tapes as well as what was on the radio. Fucking a, my first cassettes were a Backstreet Boys one and it was either Nirvana or Alice in Chains. The grunge movement of the early 90s was a constant theme in the house growing up as well as all the good hits from the 70s and 80s. What a time for music! Unlike the shite we have today. But I'm getting off track here-back to the story. 

She'd been watching one of the teen dramas at the time, don't ask me what it is because I have no fucking idea what it is. Something stupid probably. She wanted to act out her favourite episode and I agreed to play with her. We'd played these kinds of games tonnes of times before. Pirates, Princesses, mermaids, astronauts. We lived so many lives in her two closets and pool in the back garden. I'd have to be the boy because I was taller and older, a protector type and she was to be the beautiful popular girl. I was cool with that role until she mentioned that I would have to kiss her cause that's what boyfriend-girlfriend do. I didn't know what to say to that. This was pretend. I wasn't really her boyfriend. I kind of panicked. 'What if this is real? What if it's not pretend? WHAT IF I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MARRY HER." My child brain almost imploded. After a series of mini-heart attacks, I calmed down and told her it would only be a maximum of three kisses, cause if you kiss someone more than three times and you don't love them, you go to hell." (We obviously know that's not true. *cough cough* pretty much everyone around me.) "Well, you're my boyfriend, of course, you love me." I didn't have any idea what I had stumbled into, but it wasn't a good sign. I actually would peek out the window to see if my mother was coming to get me. 

We did the "high school" date thing. (I still blame fuckin Boy Meets World for this. I'm not sure if it was them who did it, but it's the one that I hate the most.) Doing pretend classes together, acting like adults (which they were to us) and just little cutest heart things. Doodling on each other's papers, laughing. I took her on a "date" where we drank cola out of cans and had some kind of cracker things. (Whoops. Rule Broken. Put me on the Naughty Step Mother.) Then she told me to take her home and put her to bed. I'd never seen that on any show, but hey, it was her thing might along as well go with it. (At the time I was afraid to stand up to her because if I did I'd lose the one friend I had.) I carried her over to the bed tucked her in. She patted the side next to me. "I want you to come in too cutie." I looked around for who the fuck she was talking to, cause it couldn't have been me. It was. She pulled me into the bed with her and we got under that pink and blue duvet she had. Lace on blankets still haunt me. 

"What are we doing?" Destiny told me about this sex scene that she'd seen and wanted to know how it worked. At this age, I'd walked in on my parents before and had seen it in real life. It looked messy and not the fun kind. She wanted it. She told me she wanted it. She told me to kiss her and get on top. I knew it was wrong. Something in my soul told me it was bad. I wasn't comfortable. I didn't love her like that. (A gay thing didn't even cross my mind, it was just the fact she was my mate and I was convinced I was going to marry Nick Carter. And even then I knew cheating was wrong.) My opposition went unheard. She pulled me over her and I just got on top. "Have sex with me." I couldn't speak so I just nodded.  She kissed me. I made the sex motions I'd seen my father do and just kissed her. She rubbed her hands on me and said I was amazing. (We still had clothes on. The little silk jimjams. Whatever happened to those?) She got on top of me and "rode" me. Just like she told me she saw in the show. She laid next to me and told me she loved me. I told her me too. 

I made eye contact with Posh Spice and ever since that day I've never been able to again. 

Still love the Spice Girls though, still singing it from time to time when in the shower or something like that. She got out of the bed and told me we should go have something to eat and make sure all my things were packed cause I was leaving early in the morning. Like nothing happened. What the fuck even was that? Sometimes I still sit and wonder, when I see a woman who looks like the adult version of her. We played after that, I pushed it out of my mind and didn't think about it until someone mentioned something in school about "experiments with sex" a few years later. At a Catholic school no less. I don't even know what to call it. I felt violated but she didn't know-could I have stopped this? Why did I internalise it and she just thought it was a real roleplay? I didn't think about it, but she was my actual first kiss. I'd kissed my playmate Andrew at his house. We were so close and he said he wanted to kiss me and I wanted to as well and our mum's caught us. Hand to God,  years old out in the fuckin back garden with a little gardening kit, us touching lips. They thought it was hilarious. And as I look back it was. I wonder whatever happened to him or Destiny for that matter. 

Tomorrow I'll share my "MUSIC CHALLENGE" with Rosie and our first two rounds of "Never Have I Ever" along with some other things we've got in the works. 

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