Mental Health Mondays: Dissociation Nation
Hello!
Welcome to the first Mental Health Mondays of 2017!
Welcome to the first Mental Health Mondays of 2017!
Let's dive right on into it.
So yesterday, I was icing a cake for my nan's birthday and as I
was doing it, I just froze. I felt a kind of emptiness then I was gone.
Everything around me kind of melted away into a white light and I was
standing somewhere else. The grass was so green, it was warm, the sun
was out and smiling down. He was laying there with his head in my lap,
his hand laced with mine.
I loved the way his weight pressed into mine, it was as if it was encompassing
me in a bubble of safety. He leant up and kissed me. It felt like shooting stars in my
blood, spreading through my lips all the way to my toes. It was something that I've
never felt before. The black of his hair was stark against his pale skin and the carnation
pink of his cheeks. I didn't want this moment to ever end. "We're picking out the cake
tonight." Cake? What cake? "I'm thinking a chocolate one. You know how I love chocolate."
Ohh, that cake. "Well, it will have to be filled with Maltesers." He ruffled my hair. "I wouldn't
expect any less from you."
I loved the way his weight pressed into mine, it was as if it was encompassing
me in a bubble of safety. He leant up and kissed me. It felt like shooting stars in my
blood, spreading through my lips all the way to my toes. It was something that I've
never felt before. The black of his hair was stark against his pale skin and the carnation
pink of his cheeks. I didn't want this moment to ever end. "We're picking out the cake
tonight." Cake? What cake? "I'm thinking a chocolate one. You know how I love chocolate."
Ohh, that cake. "Well, it will have to be filled with Maltesers." He ruffled my hair. "I wouldn't
expect any less from you."
I playfully pushed him off me and told him that we should get going from the park so we wouldn't
be late for the cake tasting. He rolled up the blanket and I collected up our bags. "Race you to the bus stop!" We took off at breakneck speed, rushing toward the bus stop. We arrived just in time to jump on the bus. We touched tapped our Oyster cards and giggling with excitement from the rush and anticipation for the cake, slid into seats next to each other. "That was fun. We need to do that more often." I giggled brushing my fringe out of my eyes. "We do." He agreed, almost breathlessly, following suit with his fringe.
We hopped off at Brompton Square and that's when I felt the nerves kick it. I wrapped my arm around his waist and he leant down and kissed the top of my head. "I'm just as anxious as you are. As long as we have each other, there's nothing we can't get through." And D will be there too. "I know. I've just never thought I'd have something like this, you know?" "Neither did I. I thought I'd just see it happen to everyone else." "You are so different from everyone else and that's what I love about you." I tickled him gently as we walked into the cake shop. The glass cases were laden down with full cakes, cupcakes and other delectables. "We'll get some to go home with." I promised him as his eyes grew large at the large selection.
"We're here for the cake testing." The woman beamed. "Ah, young love. You two make quite the couple. Give me a moment and then I'll bring out the samples for you." "Where's D?" "Probably late." As if he could mind read, D burst through the door. "Fuckin' a! I took a nap and overslept. Where's the cake? Am I too late?" He checked his watch." "16.40" He read off looking at us. "Am I late?" "No, we haven't even started yet." The sample woman came round the counter and smiled. "Aw, it's nice to have your twin here. It's lovely to see the whole family involved in weddings." Twin? Oh yeah, D. "He's not my twin. We're not even related." "Jesus wept!" The woman exclaimed. "I'd have bet anything you were...The Lord's miracles...anyway, there is the chocolate mocha, vanilla chocolate twist and the dark chocolate." She hands us each little spoons to try each with. "It has to be the chocolate mocha!" We all exclaim at the same time.
The woman returns with a little notepad to take down the order. "We'd like the 3 tier cake, with the chocolate mocha cake, though when you cut into the cake we'd like Maltesers to pour out." "Different, but I think we can manage." "And we'd like the cake to be black and the trims down in baby blue. Also, if you could do the sugar blown Spyro and Crash Bandicoot for the top and bottom that would be great." The woman looked as if she were about to have a heart attack. "And this is really for your wedding?" "Yeah." I lean up and kiss him and the woman seems to soften. "Well, it is obvious you two love each other even if you are a little quirky." I'll put this in and have it ready for next week."
I'm now standing at the alter. Rosie and Jess are in lavender dresses. His brother and D are standing to the side looking smart in their tuxedos. My dress is black, laced with grey. The veil that covers my face is thin, so I can see everything. He's standing there with a shy smile and a bow tie that matches the colour of his eyes. He's never looked more beautiful or innocent. The mid-spring sun is about to set as we take our vows.
"I plan to love, honour and cherish you, even after death. I pledge my love, body, life and soul to you at this waking hour. And when we leave these Earthly forms, may we be united in the stars until we are reincarnated and can dwell together once more."
"And I plan to love, honour and adore you even beyond the seconds of death. I too pledge my life, love, body and soul to you as the sun sets on this April's eve. I look forward to a long, blissful and rewarding life with you, now and forever more."
We slid the rings over each other's fingers.
Bounding us for life. Bounding us for death.
"You may kiss the bride."
That familiar fire I felt when he first kissed me burned through me.
His hands wrapped around my waist and mine around his. This was it.
This is what I needed, but never knew I did.
We pulled apart and everyone watching exclaimed with cheer and congratulations.
We cut the cake together just as the moon was taking her position in the sky. We handed
out plate after plate, smudging icing on the ends of each others noses and occasionally kissing it off.
"Let's get out of these clothes." He whispered to me whilst everyone was preoccupied. "I couldn't have said it better myself." Hand in hand we ran up to the hotel we were staying at. "You looked amazing tonight Mrs L." "Say it again." I whispered to him. "Mrs L." I couldn't help but smile. Will you undo the lacing at the top so I can slip out of this?" "Then you'll have to help me with my bowtie." I winked at him. "Always and forever. I said that the first time I met you." "In that Starbucks when I fell over and you caught me." "I was surprised a woman could catch me and push me up straight." "And I was surprised that this beautiful man was so shy and looked so innocent...and that you actually spoke to me after." "That will forever be our place up there." We said at the same time, then laughed that we'd said it in unison. He unlaced me and I undid him. He pulled on his skinny jeans while I slipped on my leggings. "Still rocking the matching." I said, gesturing to our matching black. "You know it." He hip bumped me. "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." "I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life without you." We pulled on black and blue Mr and Mrs t-shirts and returned down to the after party.
D was having a great time with the band, getting them to play some spooky classical as we arrived. "Congrats, seriously. I couldn't imagine being any happier for you two. If I was, I'd probably explode." We wrapped out arms around him and kissed either side of his cheeks. "Cheers, D. We couldn't have done all of this without your help. "That being said..." He broke free from out grip and grabbed the microphone. "Everyone, I'd like to welcome Mr and Mrs L to the dancefloor to have their first dance as bride and groom!" He pulled me onto the slick dancefloor. He'd been practising. Joseph Arthur's 'You're So True" started to play and he twirled me around. Our song. He swept me off my feet and kissed me, hard and true. "Well let me return the favour." And I returned the gesture, the audience gasping with surprise. "That's enough of this fancy stuff." D slid in between us and we all started to do the macarena to the Joseph Arthur song. Everyone began to join in.
The scene melted away to us taking home a newborn baby we'd just adopted. She had a few curls of jet black hair and had green eyes. Her little hands would wrap around one of each of our fingers. She'd sleep against our chests as we laid together on our bed. "We'll call her Sophie." We cuddled with her in between us. "Now we can experience love in an entirely different way."
Flashes of her growing up echoed, the colours bright and welcoming.
Me and him holding her up so high as she giggled in the sunlight. Us pushing her on a swing as leaves swirled around us. Her playing with blocks with Uncle D. Her first, second and third birthdays. Her first word...thanks to Uncle D was a profane one. We weren't even angry, we all found the thing funny. We tried each day to the best of our abilities to make sure that Sophie knew that she was loved and safe. We'd sing her lullabies, read her books. We'd go to the museums and the zoo. We'd take her to the coast and let her dip her little feet in the sea.
In the blink of an eye, it was her first day of nursery. We were devastated and fearful about letting her out into the world, especially as it had been so cruel and demeaning to us. "I don't want to let her go." "I don't either...but we both know that she has to grow on her own and that we will be here for her every step of the day. She's got M and D too. And grandad and nan. She's far from lonely in this world." "You're right." He wrapped me in his arms. "I just hope that she grows up like us." "What? To be odd?" He laughs. "Well, that and that she grows up to be loving." "I knew what you meant."
Then I just snapped back into waking life, the icing knife still in my hand, but all the icing had
dripped off it. I'd never had an experience like this. So detailed. So fulfilling. A stark contrast to
how I felt that moment. I wanted to escape my loneliness and my mind did it-all on it's own. I'd never had the desire to do any of these things before- have a proper wedding, have a child. I never thought I'd have a romance that pure and true...then I did have it. It's gotten me to thinking...Is that what I wanted deep down all along? Had I been too foolish and immature to realise it before? I'm going to talk to my shrink about it and give you guys and update next week before we do the next Mental Health Monday episode.
Have any of you guys ever had an experience like that? How long did they last? What was it like for you? You can leave me a comment on my social media accounts or you can message me through google and be completely anonymous.
It's important to talk to your doctor about these kind of experiences, so
remember to do so at your next session or if you're worried you can always
ring them.
be late for the cake tasting. He rolled up the blanket and I collected up our bags. "Race you to the bus stop!" We took off at breakneck speed, rushing toward the bus stop. We arrived just in time to jump on the bus. We touched tapped our Oyster cards and giggling with excitement from the rush and anticipation for the cake, slid into seats next to each other. "That was fun. We need to do that more often." I giggled brushing my fringe out of my eyes. "We do." He agreed, almost breathlessly, following suit with his fringe.
We hopped off at Brompton Square and that's when I felt the nerves kick it. I wrapped my arm around his waist and he leant down and kissed the top of my head. "I'm just as anxious as you are. As long as we have each other, there's nothing we can't get through." And D will be there too. "I know. I've just never thought I'd have something like this, you know?" "Neither did I. I thought I'd just see it happen to everyone else." "You are so different from everyone else and that's what I love about you." I tickled him gently as we walked into the cake shop. The glass cases were laden down with full cakes, cupcakes and other delectables. "We'll get some to go home with." I promised him as his eyes grew large at the large selection.
"We're here for the cake testing." The woman beamed. "Ah, young love. You two make quite the couple. Give me a moment and then I'll bring out the samples for you." "Where's D?" "Probably late." As if he could mind read, D burst through the door. "Fuckin' a! I took a nap and overslept. Where's the cake? Am I too late?" He checked his watch." "16.40" He read off looking at us. "Am I late?" "No, we haven't even started yet." The sample woman came round the counter and smiled. "Aw, it's nice to have your twin here. It's lovely to see the whole family involved in weddings." Twin? Oh yeah, D. "He's not my twin. We're not even related." "Jesus wept!" The woman exclaimed. "I'd have bet anything you were...The Lord's miracles...anyway, there is the chocolate mocha, vanilla chocolate twist and the dark chocolate." She hands us each little spoons to try each with. "It has to be the chocolate mocha!" We all exclaim at the same time.
The woman returns with a little notepad to take down the order. "We'd like the 3 tier cake, with the chocolate mocha cake, though when you cut into the cake we'd like Maltesers to pour out." "Different, but I think we can manage." "And we'd like the cake to be black and the trims down in baby blue. Also, if you could do the sugar blown Spyro and Crash Bandicoot for the top and bottom that would be great." The woman looked as if she were about to have a heart attack. "And this is really for your wedding?" "Yeah." I lean up and kiss him and the woman seems to soften. "Well, it is obvious you two love each other even if you are a little quirky." I'll put this in and have it ready for next week."
I'm now standing at the alter. Rosie and Jess are in lavender dresses. His brother and D are standing to the side looking smart in their tuxedos. My dress is black, laced with grey. The veil that covers my face is thin, so I can see everything. He's standing there with a shy smile and a bow tie that matches the colour of his eyes. He's never looked more beautiful or innocent. The mid-spring sun is about to set as we take our vows.
"I plan to love, honour and cherish you, even after death. I pledge my love, body, life and soul to you at this waking hour. And when we leave these Earthly forms, may we be united in the stars until we are reincarnated and can dwell together once more."
"And I plan to love, honour and adore you even beyond the seconds of death. I too pledge my life, love, body and soul to you as the sun sets on this April's eve. I look forward to a long, blissful and rewarding life with you, now and forever more."
We slid the rings over each other's fingers.
Bounding us for life. Bounding us for death.
"You may kiss the bride."
That familiar fire I felt when he first kissed me burned through me.
His hands wrapped around my waist and mine around his. This was it.
This is what I needed, but never knew I did.
We pulled apart and everyone watching exclaimed with cheer and congratulations.
We cut the cake together just as the moon was taking her position in the sky. We handed
out plate after plate, smudging icing on the ends of each others noses and occasionally kissing it off.
"Let's get out of these clothes." He whispered to me whilst everyone was preoccupied. "I couldn't have said it better myself." Hand in hand we ran up to the hotel we were staying at. "You looked amazing tonight Mrs L." "Say it again." I whispered to him. "Mrs L." I couldn't help but smile. Will you undo the lacing at the top so I can slip out of this?" "Then you'll have to help me with my bowtie." I winked at him. "Always and forever. I said that the first time I met you." "In that Starbucks when I fell over and you caught me." "I was surprised a woman could catch me and push me up straight." "And I was surprised that this beautiful man was so shy and looked so innocent...and that you actually spoke to me after." "That will forever be our place up there." We said at the same time, then laughed that we'd said it in unison. He unlaced me and I undid him. He pulled on his skinny jeans while I slipped on my leggings. "Still rocking the matching." I said, gesturing to our matching black. "You know it." He hip bumped me. "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." "I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life without you." We pulled on black and blue Mr and Mrs t-shirts and returned down to the after party.
D was having a great time with the band, getting them to play some spooky classical as we arrived. "Congrats, seriously. I couldn't imagine being any happier for you two. If I was, I'd probably explode." We wrapped out arms around him and kissed either side of his cheeks. "Cheers, D. We couldn't have done all of this without your help. "That being said..." He broke free from out grip and grabbed the microphone. "Everyone, I'd like to welcome Mr and Mrs L to the dancefloor to have their first dance as bride and groom!" He pulled me onto the slick dancefloor. He'd been practising. Joseph Arthur's 'You're So True" started to play and he twirled me around. Our song. He swept me off my feet and kissed me, hard and true. "Well let me return the favour." And I returned the gesture, the audience gasping with surprise. "That's enough of this fancy stuff." D slid in between us and we all started to do the macarena to the Joseph Arthur song. Everyone began to join in.
The scene melted away to us taking home a newborn baby we'd just adopted. She had a few curls of jet black hair and had green eyes. Her little hands would wrap around one of each of our fingers. She'd sleep against our chests as we laid together on our bed. "We'll call her Sophie." We cuddled with her in between us. "Now we can experience love in an entirely different way."
Flashes of her growing up echoed, the colours bright and welcoming.
Me and him holding her up so high as she giggled in the sunlight. Us pushing her on a swing as leaves swirled around us. Her playing with blocks with Uncle D. Her first, second and third birthdays. Her first word...thanks to Uncle D was a profane one. We weren't even angry, we all found the thing funny. We tried each day to the best of our abilities to make sure that Sophie knew that she was loved and safe. We'd sing her lullabies, read her books. We'd go to the museums and the zoo. We'd take her to the coast and let her dip her little feet in the sea.
In the blink of an eye, it was her first day of nursery. We were devastated and fearful about letting her out into the world, especially as it had been so cruel and demeaning to us. "I don't want to let her go." "I don't either...but we both know that she has to grow on her own and that we will be here for her every step of the day. She's got M and D too. And grandad and nan. She's far from lonely in this world." "You're right." He wrapped me in his arms. "I just hope that she grows up like us." "What? To be odd?" He laughs. "Well, that and that she grows up to be loving." "I knew what you meant."
Then I just snapped back into waking life, the icing knife still in my hand, but all the icing had
dripped off it. I'd never had an experience like this. So detailed. So fulfilling. A stark contrast to
how I felt that moment. I wanted to escape my loneliness and my mind did it-all on it's own. I'd never had the desire to do any of these things before- have a proper wedding, have a child. I never thought I'd have a romance that pure and true...then I did have it. It's gotten me to thinking...Is that what I wanted deep down all along? Had I been too foolish and immature to realise it before? I'm going to talk to my shrink about it and give you guys and update next week before we do the next Mental Health Monday episode.
Have any of you guys ever had an experience like that? How long did they last? What was it like for you? You can leave me a comment on my social media accounts or you can message me through google and be completely anonymous.
It's important to talk to your doctor about these kind of experiences, so
remember to do so at your next session or if you're worried you can always
ring them.
What is dissociation?
Dissociation is a disconnect from reality. It's not the same as psychosis just
so you know. It's a coping mechanism or a defence mechanism for stress, emotional trauma
or even boredom. It's not the same as daydreaming or mind wandering in a lesson or at
work sort of thing. It's important to note that with certain mental illnesses no trigger is
required for a dissociative state to overcome someone. It's most commonly found in PTSD suffers, borderline personality sufferers or those with identity dissociation disorders.
You can read more about it here on the NHS Website:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/dissociative-disorders/Pages/Introduction.aspx
or on Dissociative Disorders:
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/#.WGq2YaLhAnM
And I've linked Patisserie Valerie, which is where we go in the dissociation world, but in the real world, it's one of my favourite places for sweets! :D
http://www.patisserie-valerie.co.uk/
LINKS
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AnjaAbsinthe/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ichliebebillah
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anjathesickboy/
required for a dissociative state to overcome someone. It's most commonly found in PTSD suffers, borderline personality sufferers or those with identity dissociation disorders.
You can read more about it here on the NHS Website:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/dissociative-disorders/Pages/Introduction.aspx
or on Dissociative Disorders:
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/#.WGq2YaLhAnM
And I've linked Patisserie Valerie, which is where we go in the dissociation world, but in the real world, it's one of my favourite places for sweets! :D
http://www.patisserie-valerie.co.uk/
LINKS
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AnjaAbsinthe/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ichliebebillah
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anjathesickboy/
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