Cookie Cutter Boy
I've been clean for almost two months.
Didn't think I'd be able to say that ever, but here I am talking about it.
I've been a self-harmer since I was 11. 17 years of cutting, picking the healing scabs, recutting both new and old cuts and sometimes even slamming the cuts into things to make them bruise and hurt more. And now I can say that I'm clean. I don't know if it will last, but I'm wanting to make it last. Not self-harming probably will always be a challenge for me. It's been my coping mechanism for the longest time. And sometimes it was my only coping mechanism. It wasn't just cutting that I did to self-harm, but that will be the focus of today's blog.
WHAT IS RECOVERY?
Can I really say that I'm in recovery? Personally, I don't think so. For me, recovery means always utilising coping skills that are healthy, striving to always have a healthier mindset and not really wanting to engage in behaviours of the past. Recovery by definition means to return to a normal state of health, strength and or behaviour. But what is normal? Some people can still self-harm and it's still culturally normal; it depends on the type of harming one is engaging in. Kind of a little misleading isn't it? Cutting is frowned upon but having a drink every night or a snort every once in a while is culturally okay? I dunno. It depends where you are.
I don't know what my normal is. This has been my normal for the longest time. How do I figure out what my normal is? I don't really want to hurt myself anymore. While it did help me in the moments that I needed it. possibly more than any person ever could, I need something else. It alienated me from people that I wanted in my life. They walked away. They got tired of seeing me cut up or bloodstains decorating my clothing. I guess self-harm helped me to sort out who really cared about me and my well being and who didn't. There weren't very many that stayed around. Maybe I asked too much of them. But I know, for me personally, if someone was self-harming to my extent or even worse, I wouldn't just get frustrated and walk away. I'd do everything that I could to help them to change the behaviour, talk about whatever was bothering them.
I've been tested over this last week and to my great surprise, despiting wanting to self-harm, I didn't. I had those familiar thoughts, sensations and image in my head. I could almost taste the blade. I physically ached to have it in my hand, against my skin. It felt like the only thing I could do to get these emotions out. I focused my energy on other things and prevailed. I was too tired to dig around for the razors that I'd hidden from myself because I'm not ready to get rid of them completely yet. I need to have that security hidden away in my desk as I continue to move forward. I didn't want the feelings and thoughts to weigh on me so I tried talking it out. I talked through my feelings of confusion, self-loathing and frustration out in therapy and with a few people I know. This time I didn't use metaphors. I was clear and upfront about the things bothering me. It felt really good to get these things out of me and have people give me some sort of feedback. I've never really had this before. Being open about what's bothering me in this kind of way has been such a benefit for me and my mental health.
Will it continue to work? I don't know. It's about finding a balance. I think what's really been working for me is that I've acknowledged that I do want to cut myself and clearly identified the reasons why. I wasn't just a bundle of emotion, I could identify the thing that was upsetting me, making me feel this way. By not just racing out to hurt myself I now have a better understanding of some of the things that commonly upset me. (I won't use the word triggers because I haste it.)
I've been a self-harmer since I was 11. 17 years of cutting, picking the healing scabs, recutting both new and old cuts and sometimes even slamming the cuts into things to make them bruise and hurt more. And now I can say that I'm clean. I don't know if it will last, but I'm wanting to make it last. Not self-harming probably will always be a challenge for me. It's been my coping mechanism for the longest time. And sometimes it was my only coping mechanism. It wasn't just cutting that I did to self-harm, but that will be the focus of today's blog.
WHAT IS RECOVERY?
Can I really say that I'm in recovery? Personally, I don't think so. For me, recovery means always utilising coping skills that are healthy, striving to always have a healthier mindset and not really wanting to engage in behaviours of the past. Recovery by definition means to return to a normal state of health, strength and or behaviour. But what is normal? Some people can still self-harm and it's still culturally normal; it depends on the type of harming one is engaging in. Kind of a little misleading isn't it? Cutting is frowned upon but having a drink every night or a snort every once in a while is culturally okay? I dunno. It depends where you are.
I don't know what my normal is. This has been my normal for the longest time. How do I figure out what my normal is? I don't really want to hurt myself anymore. While it did help me in the moments that I needed it. possibly more than any person ever could, I need something else. It alienated me from people that I wanted in my life. They walked away. They got tired of seeing me cut up or bloodstains decorating my clothing. I guess self-harm helped me to sort out who really cared about me and my well being and who didn't. There weren't very many that stayed around. Maybe I asked too much of them. But I know, for me personally, if someone was self-harming to my extent or even worse, I wouldn't just get frustrated and walk away. I'd do everything that I could to help them to change the behaviour, talk about whatever was bothering them.
I've been tested over this last week and to my great surprise, despiting wanting to self-harm, I didn't. I had those familiar thoughts, sensations and image in my head. I could almost taste the blade. I physically ached to have it in my hand, against my skin. It felt like the only thing I could do to get these emotions out. I focused my energy on other things and prevailed. I was too tired to dig around for the razors that I'd hidden from myself because I'm not ready to get rid of them completely yet. I need to have that security hidden away in my desk as I continue to move forward. I didn't want the feelings and thoughts to weigh on me so I tried talking it out. I talked through my feelings of confusion, self-loathing and frustration out in therapy and with a few people I know. This time I didn't use metaphors. I was clear and upfront about the things bothering me. It felt really good to get these things out of me and have people give me some sort of feedback. I've never really had this before. Being open about what's bothering me in this kind of way has been such a benefit for me and my mental health.
Will it continue to work? I don't know. It's about finding a balance. I think what's really been working for me is that I've acknowledged that I do want to cut myself and clearly identified the reasons why. I wasn't just a bundle of emotion, I could identify the thing that was upsetting me, making me feel this way. By not just racing out to hurt myself I now have a better understanding of some of the things that commonly upset me. (I won't use the word triggers because I haste it.)
I almost couldn't write this blog today. Today was just a harder day for whatever the reason and I was ready to pick up the razor and relief all of the self-loathing, feelings of guilt, worthlessness and emptiness by carving my body up. If I wasn't so physically exhausted today, I might have. I'm not going to lie and say that I used some new coping skills I've been working on when in reality I was just too tired to hold up the blade. I dunno what is up with me lately. Maybe I'm slipping back down into depression, like really. So much has changed in the last two weeks for me that I can barely fathom anything. Future projects are like so unclear to me know when they were almost finalised. Like I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. Maybe fatigue in this sense has been a coping skill. Next time that I feel like this, I'll just reach out and say something. I've learned that it really does me more harm than good letting the emotions bottle up inside; they breed negative thoughts that in turn make me feel worse. My overthinking sometimes blows things out of proportion and that leads to worse feelings.
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