Changes
Another month has passed me by.
I'm in a different place than I was starting out last month.
A month ago today I was stood in Ottawa for the first time, having the time of my life.
I thought it was going to end; that the elevated mood, the happiness I was feeling was going to end soon and I would be crushed. I did experience a period of deep depression and severe anxiety that brought me down after leaving Canada. The anxiety was unbearable; I couldn't eat, I wasn't sleeping. I was confused, so unsure of everything. I didn't know how I could go about being myself and changing my situation.
Today, I'm in a better place than I ever thought I could be. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and it's not euphoria or any sort of mania. I'm comfortable within reason. I still have my bouts of doubt and anxiety, but for the most part, I'm happy. I'm experiencing life in a positive way. I have a good friend, I like my job, I feel content with the way I've taken charge of my life, my future and am making clear decisions without fear of retribution. I've found acceptance. I've found that I don't have to hide how I feel or pretend that I'm not bothered by things. I can voice my thoughts on things, just be me without anything horrible happening. I'm still nervous about saying certain things, but I feel like such a weight has been taken off me.
I'm not sitting home alone anymore. I'm performing well in my job. I'm making big plans for the future, personally and professionally. On the nights that I can sleep (insomnia you bitch) I wake up in a good mood. I want to be up and doing things. I don't want to hide in bed, wishing I was dead or that it would just be all over. I've never experienced a period of clarity like this before and I love it. I've been writing more for my books too. My ideas are flowing and I'm getting more out. (I know I'm behind on some blogs but there are more coming soon!)
I feel more emotionally mature. I mean, I'm still an overgrown child for the most part, but I approach things in a mature way. I've stopped allowing certain things to bother me. I've discovered a strength and positivity inside myself that I didn't know existed. Sometimes you need to meet certain people for these things to unlock. He's pushed me out of my comfort level and got me out of my house. I've been more social the past 2 weeks than I've been for pretty much my entire adult life. Being out of my house and with someone, even if it's just sitting together making small talk, has opened up many doors for me. I feel like I can do it. That people do want to be my friend and the majority of my worries that "people don't like me" or "they're going to make fun of me" is all in my head. It's a byproduct of my mental illness. Being around him has mellowed me out. I'm less anxious about life and looking forward to the future like I've never been before. And he doesn't give himself enough credit. He says he's just him and that I'm cool, but really it's more than that to me. He expects nothing from me but to keep him company, chill out. I'm more than happy to do that. That's all I want from him as well. Someone to laugh with, get coffee with. This is a relationship that I've never had before, but have always desperately wanted. I'm not on the outside looking in anymore. He's given me a new level of confidence that I love. I'm less apologetic about being me because I know he'll say something if someone wants to start shit.
I've also found that my shyness was responsible for a decent part of my depression and unhappiness. I will always have bipolar disorder, but now with the support of someone who's honest with me, likes me for me, I can move forward. I don't want to burden him with my issues, but I know he's there if something gets hard. Now that I can be more open and have learned to trust someone around me, someone who I see pretty much every day, I feel this great physical weight pulled off me. I don't feel so weighed down and tired.
Things are improving.
I can do the things that I set my mind to.
I'm in a different place than I was starting out last month.
A month ago today I was stood in Ottawa for the first time, having the time of my life.
I thought it was going to end; that the elevated mood, the happiness I was feeling was going to end soon and I would be crushed. I did experience a period of deep depression and severe anxiety that brought me down after leaving Canada. The anxiety was unbearable; I couldn't eat, I wasn't sleeping. I was confused, so unsure of everything. I didn't know how I could go about being myself and changing my situation.
Today, I'm in a better place than I ever thought I could be. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and it's not euphoria or any sort of mania. I'm comfortable within reason. I still have my bouts of doubt and anxiety, but for the most part, I'm happy. I'm experiencing life in a positive way. I have a good friend, I like my job, I feel content with the way I've taken charge of my life, my future and am making clear decisions without fear of retribution. I've found acceptance. I've found that I don't have to hide how I feel or pretend that I'm not bothered by things. I can voice my thoughts on things, just be me without anything horrible happening. I'm still nervous about saying certain things, but I feel like such a weight has been taken off me.
I'm not sitting home alone anymore. I'm performing well in my job. I'm making big plans for the future, personally and professionally. On the nights that I can sleep (insomnia you bitch) I wake up in a good mood. I want to be up and doing things. I don't want to hide in bed, wishing I was dead or that it would just be all over. I've never experienced a period of clarity like this before and I love it. I've been writing more for my books too. My ideas are flowing and I'm getting more out. (I know I'm behind on some blogs but there are more coming soon!)
I feel more emotionally mature. I mean, I'm still an overgrown child for the most part, but I approach things in a mature way. I've stopped allowing certain things to bother me. I've discovered a strength and positivity inside myself that I didn't know existed. Sometimes you need to meet certain people for these things to unlock. He's pushed me out of my comfort level and got me out of my house. I've been more social the past 2 weeks than I've been for pretty much my entire adult life. Being out of my house and with someone, even if it's just sitting together making small talk, has opened up many doors for me. I feel like I can do it. That people do want to be my friend and the majority of my worries that "people don't like me" or "they're going to make fun of me" is all in my head. It's a byproduct of my mental illness. Being around him has mellowed me out. I'm less anxious about life and looking forward to the future like I've never been before. And he doesn't give himself enough credit. He says he's just him and that I'm cool, but really it's more than that to me. He expects nothing from me but to keep him company, chill out. I'm more than happy to do that. That's all I want from him as well. Someone to laugh with, get coffee with. This is a relationship that I've never had before, but have always desperately wanted. I'm not on the outside looking in anymore. He's given me a new level of confidence that I love. I'm less apologetic about being me because I know he'll say something if someone wants to start shit.
I've also found that my shyness was responsible for a decent part of my depression and unhappiness. I will always have bipolar disorder, but now with the support of someone who's honest with me, likes me for me, I can move forward. I don't want to burden him with my issues, but I know he's there if something gets hard. Now that I can be more open and have learned to trust someone around me, someone who I see pretty much every day, I feel this great physical weight pulled off me. I don't feel so weighed down and tired.
Things are improving.
I can do the things that I set my mind to.
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