Sleepless Nights 🌙

 It's the third night in a row I find myself awake at midnight. 
Even on the nights that I have to head to work early in the morning.
I can't for the life of me understand why.
I am tired. I know I'm tired, but why doesn't my body want to listen?
I wonder when it will grow tired of rebellion and give in to my demands.
It's not easy being trapped inside this meat bag.
I have so much more to offer, so much more to explore and this thing-this body
tends to get in the way of things. 
I detest it. 

I don't work the next day so I can probably get away with neglecting my bedroom and the dishes for one more day and sleep for the most part. I volunteered to go into work over the weekend, not in a prompt of ass-kissing, but to get more hours. I certainly didn't get any sort of hours or pay over the last month while I was out on medical leave or when I returned to weeks a bittersweet two weeks ago. I'm bored in a whole new way. The same tasks. As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm just wholly unchallenged, unwanting to the tasks put before me. For the most part, I'm able to go what I want, unbothered by management. I arrive often out of uniform, but I perform my tasks exceptionally well, following al of the tiniest details. And like I asked before, 'for what?' No one else seems to follow the rules. I mean, I don't, but it's just a bloody shirt after all. And I am still wearing the uniform shirt colour...black. I just need to make sure that it's not offensive to people. Bad for business. 

At least I can get some reading in and not by candlelight this time. Though the candle's scent lingers in the background, it's hardly a distraction. I've actually started reading over the past week and a half. I've almost finished "YOU" by Caroline Kepnes, it's what the popular Netflix show is about, it's actually not that bad. I just bought Midnight Sun too-Cliche I know, also frown upon it, but I'm desperate to know about Edward's point of view. I already read all the other books and out of them all, the first book is the only good one. And it's the only film adaptation I can manage to stomach.
I've not picked up a book in the longest time. It's a refreshing thought. I can't hold my focus for all that long, but it's nice to be able to dive into that world again after so long. Who knows, maybe I'll finish reading You and then move onto the next Dan Brown book that I've had bookmarked halfway through since 2013. Maybe I'll even read the next book in the series I bought on my birthday 3 years ago and only ever read the dustjacket. I planned on reading it. I planned on finishing the first one that came before, but I just never did. It's not that I don't like the stories, I do, I just have a hard time focusing. I've pretty much always been this way. 

I look at the clock and it's already 2.15. I wish time went by this fast when I was at work. Maybe because I'm listening to what I want to and not stupid empty popular music. I've been wearing my headphones at work more lately. I can't stand the same music over and over again. It's the same shit they've played since I started there. A year and a half ago. I roll over and stare at the hole that I kicked in the wall. I really should fix that. It's been like that for months. I really need to talk to someone about all this pent up rage before it gives me a stroke or something. They say that anger is the silent killer, never mind hamburgers. Wait, maybe it was heart diseases is the silent killer? Personally, I think it's anger, but what does my opinion matter?
I really want to tell this girl to fuck off. She's hideous and rude in every way possible, let thinks of herself in the highest regard. Isn't that always the way? Stuck up, ugly females acting like the world owes them a fucking favour because they have a uterus. What galls me is that this unemployed, untalented little slut thinks that she's better than me. Never had a job in her life, has no education and she wants to look down on me? I want to hit her in the face with a croquet mallet. Just again and again until there is nothing left.