Cloudless

 The sky above is a brilliant periwinkle blue and cloudless. It feels like I've seen this sky so many times before. Memories surface threatening to choke me, while nausea in the pit of my stomach begins to rise against the back of my throat. Help. I hate feeling this way. When I feel like this, all I can really do is lay down and hope that it somehow fades away. 

I tried so hard to leave behind the things of my youth, but recently, I've found myself drawn to them once again. Is this an anxiety about getting older that is on the verge of blooming? I don't think I can handle anymore of that. I'm getting older and I'm having a hard time with it. I don't see myself as getting older, but I know that I am. So many things feel the same. So many things smell the same. So many things look the same. I take comfort in these things. I never want to be told that I'm too old to love the things that I love. I think that's what all the upset is about. 

There are ao many things to be in life, that I can't even grasp them all. I breathe in all the stories and lives that surround me, mezmorised by it all. Sometimes I think it all to be impossible and we're just living in a simulation of sorts. How can there be this many people on one planet? How can this one small planet appear so big? The thoughts boggle my mind.  

...

Another cool day, the sky periwinke. I lay on the bed, bathing in the sunlight, allowing the cool winds to caress me. I breathe in and breathe out. I taste the autumn coming. I run my hands through my hair; I'm in need of a hair cut. I can't think about that today. I'm letting myself get lost in my thoughts. I don't want to have responsibilities I want to live without a piano hanging over my head like I usually do.  

Despite the sickness that lingers in my veins, I want to march on. Conflicting thoughts twist around inside me. I can feel it in my chest. I've bought new books over the past few weeks, devouring three or four of them in as little as three weeks. I'm allowing myself to get lost in stories once again. It takes my mind to another place and it helps me to relax. I almost feel like my old self again. I used to read a lot as a child and a teenager. Books were my friends since I couldn't count on those around me. People living in pages can rarely break a heart.