Assortment Pack!!

It feels as if my heart is going to explode or my lungs. I can’t quite figure out which. I’m in need of something. Maybe I’m in need of everything and I just don’t realise it. My thoughts hum along with the silence that comes with no electricity and it’s pushing me to the verge of madness. Thank fuck for battery back-up. Alone with my thoughts breeds trouble. And not the good kind of trouble that leads to steamy nights or even better foggy mornings as the sun rises over the morning tide. I’m talking about the kind that makes everything seem all that louder when you go out into the world and it’s as if you’re suffocating on everything. That being said, I don’t want to die by suffocation. I’ve really given that one a lot of thought and it’s going to be a no from me. 

I will say this, that all this stumbling around in the dark has sharpened my senses. Everything hits me so much more powerfully now. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness, me slaving away over a notebook, ferociously trying to get all of my thoughts and ideas out before they consume me, all by candlelight. How did people do this back in the day? How did they not all go completely mad? Maybe they did and we just mistake it for creative genius. People are funny in that way. Always looking for other solutions, other ideas. Sometimes things just are what they are. Nothing more, nothing less. I like that about life. But, I am one of those assholes who will get obsessive, sometimes even compulsive, about ideas, thoughts and theories. I waste a lot of time at night mulling them over. (And then I wonder why I have trouble falling and staying asleep.) 

Sitting here in the darkness of my room with only the company of candlelight, I realise just how vindictive I can be. Is that really a bad thing? After everything that’s happened to me in my life have I not earned the right to be somewhat of a cunt? I’ve played nice, I’ve swallowed shit and allowed myself to be treated like it too. I want to just grab her, shake her and remind her that she’s ruined everything!! I’ve harboured so much resentment and hatred that it’s all turned into bile. And now that bile is slowly eroding my insides. (Am I really all that surprised by this??) 

While all of this is going on, I still want to scream. Just keep screaming until I lose the rest of myself, my sense of reality and anything else that’s inside of me that doesn’t belong there. I want to feel that good kind of tired. Not a tired from a high, like I usually have. I want a nice organic tired that doesn’t come with emotional or chemical baggage. 

Work has become even more boring and mundane. It’s the same shit over and over again. I I get asked why I’m not performing well or why I’m not focused, I’m going to give the boss the same answer that I’ve given him before. “I’m fucking bored.” Bored doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I need to put it into words that he’ll understand. I could go off and tell him the exact reasons as to why, what it means and everything, but a. He doesn’t care and b. I don’t think he’d comprehend. Sometimes all of the wasted potentials really galls me. But I have trouble focusing and keeping my focus. My brain likes to dance around a few dozen things at once, each of them screaming for my attention. Depressed or manic to the point of frenzy, all of these things still race around in my head. Round and round on the marry-go-round. Up and down. Never losing speed, only gaining. I’m wondering when the wheels that turn this beast will start to break down and fall off. I’m both ready and anxious for what would come next. 

I don’t want to show up anymore. I really don’t. It feels like all of my time there is wasted. I don’t have the energy for such stupid shit. My patience has worn thin. I’m tired of going in there, working my balls off and feeling like I’m just some sort of understudy. I’ve given so much to my job; dedication and hard work and for what? Nothing. My efforts have been ignored. I know I must sound like a child wanting some sort of validation and or praise from my job, but it would be nice once in a while to hear that my going above and beyond appreciated. I can’t believe I’ve been at that job over a year. It was a year in April. Almost a year and a half there. Jesus. What am I really doing with myself? I’ve met some good people there and have made a few friends from there, but I’m wondering what’s going to happen at the end. Who will quit? Who will stay? Who will be fired? What will happen when we no longer see each other all week long? Will we all just become distant memories to one another? This sort of thing leads me to have panic attacks. I don’t want to have to get to know a whole new group of people. I don’t want to become a memory. 

…

I needed to lay down after that. It was just too much for me. I don’t like new people. I have the hardest time with them, especially groups, even more so where they all know each other. I always feel like the stranger. It makes me want to curl up and cry. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. I just feel so low. Meds or no meds, this is something deep inside me. My anxiety has been increasing before I stopped the meds. If it's not one thing, its another, right?