POPTARTS. I Don't Want To Be Here Anymore.

Sometimes I feel so wholly and completely useless. My heartbeat is slow and sloppy. All I want to do is lay down and sleep. I'm perpetually exhausted. 
 Sometimes I feel as if taking medication, going to therapy and trying is utterly useless. The hopelessness that oozes through my pours is choking. I have to get up and go to work, acting as if I'm not drowning. It feels like all the same repetitive shit that really has no place surrounding me. I'm losing my focus, listening to sweet, sorrowful piano pieces. Actually, I can't focus on anything. I'm too tired, even after a full nights sleep. It feels as if my body is falling apart. 

I find myself standing in the shower screaming when home alone, reaching for burning candles and eating the worst possible foods just to hurt myself. I'm caught in this dizzying self-destructive cyclone and I don't know what to do to stop it. I've been off my medication just about a week now. 4 maybe 5 days? Everything inside my head is spinning. I constantly feel sick. Just as sick as I did on the meds, maybe worse. I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed and I don't want to eat unless I'm high; then when I am I eat basically until I'm sick all over the place because I've lost all control. 

I feel completely overwhelmed with everything around me. My escapism has become another form of boredom for me, I'm looking for something else, another grand adventure. Another kind of catharsis.