Pride Month 2019 🏳️‍🌈

This pride month has been so overwhelming and possibly the best one of my life. This year, I'm completely out. No more hiding. No more out to select people. No more denying my happiness or who I am. I don't know what made this year, the year. I guess I was just sick of being miserable and unhappy.  The mental stress of trying to balance two lives, balancing my secrets and trying to hide my past and present feelings was just too much. 

As some of you know I low-key came out to my other boss in April. He asked what name I go by if it's not my given name and I let it slip out it was Dan. He wasn't phased. He told me that he's had many employees who are non-identifying, genderqueer or trans and that it would not be a big deal. His lower manager even asked me my pronouns, not wanting to assume. It was validation outside my own small circle of friends. It was something that I needed. Someone very special to me has always been pushing me to just be me, be happy, but at the same time was hiding secrets himself. It's a lot of pressure to live under. At my other job, I hadn't come out, yet my close workmate/friend knew about me and my situation. He told me that I could do it, I could tell people and no one would really make a big deal or treat me like shit over it. (Except the knock-off Terry Crews but he hated me before anyway.) I was so shy getting it out to my managers, all of them responded with such support and congratulations to me. I wasn't even sure that it happened until I looked down and saw my new name badge reflecting my name. All the guys I work with already saw me as part of the team and didn't think twice. I was accepted. 

All of the worry and fear and anxiety that I'd been holding wasn't needed in these situations. I felt a support from outsiders, from non-friends that I'd never believed existed; I thought it would never happen for me. Finding acceptance in both my workplaces, not just on the internet, in my real life, has made me feel so much freer. I don't have acceptance at home, but that much I expected. When I'd mentioned it to my mother before (father hasn't been in the picture since Moses wore short pants which is good because he's a piece of shit) she told me it was wrong and she didn't want to talk about it. This year she got even more bigotted homophobic and transphobic. I don't need her approval. I'm tired of trying to get her approval because I've realised I will never have it. Her pet monkey will probably see this and report to her because he's got no life or friends of his own and a shit storm will rain down. I'll once again get tears that this is an illness, that I'm sick, need help and that it's wrong or my favourite, that I'm running away. This time I'm not. After years of running away, I'm finally just moving towards a future. I'm not trying to hide who I was. I'm becoming who I've always been inside. Might as well brace myself from this wall out because she's never wrong. Maybe she should take stock of her own life and stop trying to mess with mine. 

This year I felt prideful. I didn't watch pride from the shadows feeling left out this year. I wanted to finally be a part of the community. Why didn't I participate and be a part of the community before now? Because I was hiding who I was and even parts of my sexuality. This year, I wanted to celebrate me. Celebrate my victory and my own personal strengths. I went all out. I got a trans pride flag, a queer pride flag (we'll talk about that one later when I sort through all this craziness) and a straight ally flag for my friends who've supported me for years. I've got a trans pride and a rainbow pride top. I've got one rainbow flag earring, one trans flag earring. I've even been gifted a transgender heart travel mug! I feel so much better being me. I'm not running. I'm not hiding anymore. I'm feeling better about myself. I'm wearing my shirts and flying my flag high. Am I worried about getting beat up still? Yes. That will always be a worry in the back of my mind, but at least I'm me. I've gotten to the point where I can't hide it anymore. Now I'm almost happy. I'm still bipolar, but now not having to hide things, it's taken so much off me. I have a support system, new friends and I'm finally finding a peace I've been searching for so long. I'm thriving. The future isn't black and white anymore, it's pretty colourful. And best of all? I like it.