My Friend Winkles
Friendships.
I don't have many.
The ones I do are important to me.
I select my relationships carefully.
Everything is calculated.
And there are times when I make mistakes.
Actually, I always make horrible mistakes when it comes to friendships. I give all that I have in them. I may appear that I don't or I'm cold or at times completely uncaring and selfish, but I do care deeply. My trusting in the wrong people have brought unnecessary pain and agony to my life. I think what hurts the most is that I trusted them not to hurt me; that I believed they would have the same level of dedication that I have and they didn't. I've come to the conclusion that there is only one use for friendship is as a punishment. Punishment for what, I'm not too sure.
BEST FRIEND?
"I don't have best friends." I hear that from her quite often but she's always quick to mention her best mate Rosie. When I called her out on it, I got the old "I don't have best friends" speel. No, you just don't have me as your best friend. Just tell me that instead of hiding behind that bullshit, pretending like by you saying it, it's not hurting me. I'd rather have just been told that she doesn't view me in the same light. I've tried to make it better, even if she doesn't realise it.
She accuses me of not asking about her day-I have in the past only to be told she can't tell me or it was boring. I understand she wants to keep things private, it's her personality, but I'm very open with her, possibly too open. I'm not asking for the same level, I just want to know a little bit. I want to feel included. I don't ask these days because of that and also, I think it's rude to pry into people's lives. I've told her this before. I want her to feel comfortable and just share things with me as I do with her. I don't want to have to always ask.
When I do ask her where she's going and who she's going to be with I get huffs, eye rolls and accusations that I'm being controlling or demanding. Excuse me for wanting to be a part of your life and wanting to know. I always tell her where I go, mention people I'm going to be with. She's lied to me and she thinks I won't know. I ask because I want to be fucking included. Honestly, at this point, I don't even know why I bother with her. And it's not like I haven't told her this, because I have. I've told her in so many different ways. Maybe it's time for me to just give up on this.
TRAVEL
I asked her if she wanted to come with me on my June tour. I asked her before any of my other friends. I told her this and she came back with "Well only because other people weren't going." I wanted to just have someone else come because I didn't want to do things alone in case he had other things he wanted to do, but God forbid! She acted like it was an inconvenience that I even asked her. She was the first person I asked besides him and he's not my friend, he's my partner. She treats her whatever the fuck he is different from her friends, but when I do it once again I'm the douchebag. I asked her because I thought it would be nice and fun to spend time together. Now I'm really not so sure. I asked her why she even wanted to come and she said: "because it sounds like fun." Not because she wants to spend time with me, but because it sounded like a good time. It feels like I'm just being used in a way. I can't quite put my finger on it. It really bothered me that she said that and not that she wanted to spend time with me.
Another thing on the tour; I told her that she'd have to stay with me, go with me to the places and all that and she made a fuss that she wanted to go out on her own. What's the fucking point of her coming WITH me if she wants to wander to different places? Free lodging? I'm sorry but that's fucking rude. Again she circled back to me wanting to be controlling. Usually, when you ask someone to come with you on places it means that you come along with me, even if I'm working like shooting and writing. She can do her own thing inside the venue, that I don't give a fuck about but like let me know where you're going. It's a safety issue. I mention that and of course, this stupid bitch claims its because I don't trust her. It's not because I don't trust her, its because a. She's in a city and country she's never been to before, b. If there's an issue and something happens to her I have to stop what I'm doing and go sort out things or help her, that takes time away from me and can cost me money c. It's a safety issue. I'd like to know where she goes, so if something happens I can act accordingly. It's not just with her. I do that with everyone I go places with. No one makes issue but her. Her own stupidity is going to get her asked not to come. Did I have to invite her? No. Did I want to? Yes. Am I having doubts after all of this? Yes.
Those are just the current things weighing on my head; there are other things but I think I'll save those for another blog. I've got other things I need to get finished so there will be a My Friend Winkles Update soon. She's no doubt going to read this and have some things to say. Some of them might make it into the second instalment of this series.
She accuses me of not asking about her day-I have in the past only to be told she can't tell me or it was boring. I understand she wants to keep things private, it's her personality, but I'm very open with her, possibly too open. I'm not asking for the same level, I just want to know a little bit. I want to feel included. I don't ask these days because of that and also, I think it's rude to pry into people's lives. I've told her this before. I want her to feel comfortable and just share things with me as I do with her. I don't want to have to always ask.
When I do ask her where she's going and who she's going to be with I get huffs, eye rolls and accusations that I'm being controlling or demanding. Excuse me for wanting to be a part of your life and wanting to know. I always tell her where I go, mention people I'm going to be with. She's lied to me and she thinks I won't know. I ask because I want to be fucking included. Honestly, at this point, I don't even know why I bother with her. And it's not like I haven't told her this, because I have. I've told her in so many different ways. Maybe it's time for me to just give up on this.
TRAVEL
I asked her if she wanted to come with me on my June tour. I asked her before any of my other friends. I told her this and she came back with "Well only because other people weren't going." I wanted to just have someone else come because I didn't want to do things alone in case he had other things he wanted to do, but God forbid! She acted like it was an inconvenience that I even asked her. She was the first person I asked besides him and he's not my friend, he's my partner. She treats her whatever the fuck he is different from her friends, but when I do it once again I'm the douchebag. I asked her because I thought it would be nice and fun to spend time together. Now I'm really not so sure. I asked her why she even wanted to come and she said: "because it sounds like fun." Not because she wants to spend time with me, but because it sounded like a good time. It feels like I'm just being used in a way. I can't quite put my finger on it. It really bothered me that she said that and not that she wanted to spend time with me.
Another thing on the tour; I told her that she'd have to stay with me, go with me to the places and all that and she made a fuss that she wanted to go out on her own. What's the fucking point of her coming WITH me if she wants to wander to different places? Free lodging? I'm sorry but that's fucking rude. Again she circled back to me wanting to be controlling. Usually, when you ask someone to come with you on places it means that you come along with me, even if I'm working like shooting and writing. She can do her own thing inside the venue, that I don't give a fuck about but like let me know where you're going. It's a safety issue. I mention that and of course, this stupid bitch claims its because I don't trust her. It's not because I don't trust her, its because a. She's in a city and country she's never been to before, b. If there's an issue and something happens to her I have to stop what I'm doing and go sort out things or help her, that takes time away from me and can cost me money c. It's a safety issue. I'd like to know where she goes, so if something happens I can act accordingly. It's not just with her. I do that with everyone I go places with. No one makes issue but her. Her own stupidity is going to get her asked not to come. Did I have to invite her? No. Did I want to? Yes. Am I having doubts after all of this? Yes.
Those are just the current things weighing on my head; there are other things but I think I'll save those for another blog. I've got other things I need to get finished so there will be a My Friend Winkles Update soon. She's no doubt going to read this and have some things to say. Some of them might make it into the second instalment of this series.
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