TATTOO TALK THURSDAY: THE TAYLOR SWIFT TATTOO TAKE 2
I've never revisited a tattoo blog before, but I think it's time that I should. Over the years, some of the meanings of some of my tattoos have evolved and changed as I've grown and had new experiences. Back in early 2015, when I was living in Los Angeles, I got a lot of tattoos, but one of the most memorable is the Taylor Swift tattoo.
I was high riding around when I heard her song 'Blank Space' on the radio and I knew that I just had to have those words in my skin. I thought it was one of the best songs that I'd ever heard, that it was so relatable. I went into High Voltage Tattoo and got the tattoo done by the talented artist, Adrian. It was a whirlwind after and I didn't remember much about getting it. I got the tattoo simply because I liked the song, but now after so many changes, trials and tribulations, I look at the tattoo that cascades down my left thigh with new eyes. It represents more than just an idea of a romantic disaster, but a real one. A story of loss and survival through it. A complete change in who I was as a person when I got that tattoo and who I am now. It feels like an entire lifetime has passed since I had Taylor's words inked into me. At the time I couldn't see the level of immaturity in me, my inability to not try and fuck myself over or that I was seriously ill. With sparkling and racing thoughts swirling through my hungry veins I was on fire in ways of lust, sexuality, vulgarity and complete debauchery. I engaged for all the wrong reasons, burning holes in my psyche and damaging my body; now I have to live with the choices that I've made.
I look back on the person that I was so desperate to impress, have love me back in the way that I wanted them and see that it was never going to work. He was too selfish and we were in different places in our lives. I'm thankful for the adventures and sights seen, but at the same time, I wonder how I could have viewed it all differently if I wasn't distracted by him in the view. And Taylor was right. I was hoping, thinking that maybe it would be forever and if it wasn't it would hit me incredibly hard. It did. I was publically shamed and humiliated to the point where I didn't want to live anymore. I'd been blinded by what I wanted to see, rather than what was there. It went down in flames, just like she said and it's left me with disgusting scars that cover a decent sized portion on my body. It changed me, my time with this person. I saw the world clearer after breaking the spell. I became a new person, wanting to actually do things for myself, not because I wanted to be noticed by this person.
At the time I got the tattoo, I was young and reckless and I did take things way too far. I completely forgot what it was like to be me; not only because I wanted that person so badly, but also because I was trying to escape from the monsters inside of me. I was being pushed and pulled in all sorts of directions. I had no focus, no sustainable drive. My adventures and misdeeds did leave me breathless and I think that was the best part about the entire courtship. The unknown. The desire for self-destruction, losing myself in someone who, deep inside, I knew didn't care for me. I was nothing more than a joke, a game or a brilliant distraction. When I look back, I see there was no real relationship there; just a disgusting mess of mismanagement of one another and an endless parade of mindless indulgences with another along the ride. I thought that we were going to be forever, but it really only lasted a few years.
When I look at the tattoo now, I see a similar pattern. It's not cute and light-hearted. It's not just song lyrics down my leg. In a way, it's another warped melody that the lyrics also fit. I feel a hatred and a loss of self, crawling inside me, bubbling. I'm not entirely sure how or why I do these things. I think there is a part of me that doesn't believe that I'm living in reality; that it's some sort of fantasy or dream that will soon end so I will finally be able to have what I want. And I know that with this one, it will be the end. I won't want to give away another part of me. I feel hopelessly consumed by this person at times. It's even more intense than before. I drown in this person's words and feel a stablising force within them and if this doesn't last forever, it will most definetly end in flame.
I was high riding around when I heard her song 'Blank Space' on the radio and I knew that I just had to have those words in my skin. I thought it was one of the best songs that I'd ever heard, that it was so relatable. I went into High Voltage Tattoo and got the tattoo done by the talented artist, Adrian. It was a whirlwind after and I didn't remember much about getting it. I got the tattoo simply because I liked the song, but now after so many changes, trials and tribulations, I look at the tattoo that cascades down my left thigh with new eyes. It represents more than just an idea of a romantic disaster, but a real one. A story of loss and survival through it. A complete change in who I was as a person when I got that tattoo and who I am now. It feels like an entire lifetime has passed since I had Taylor's words inked into me. At the time I couldn't see the level of immaturity in me, my inability to not try and fuck myself over or that I was seriously ill. With sparkling and racing thoughts swirling through my hungry veins I was on fire in ways of lust, sexuality, vulgarity and complete debauchery. I engaged for all the wrong reasons, burning holes in my psyche and damaging my body; now I have to live with the choices that I've made.
I look back on the person that I was so desperate to impress, have love me back in the way that I wanted them and see that it was never going to work. He was too selfish and we were in different places in our lives. I'm thankful for the adventures and sights seen, but at the same time, I wonder how I could have viewed it all differently if I wasn't distracted by him in the view. And Taylor was right. I was hoping, thinking that maybe it would be forever and if it wasn't it would hit me incredibly hard. It did. I was publically shamed and humiliated to the point where I didn't want to live anymore. I'd been blinded by what I wanted to see, rather than what was there. It went down in flames, just like she said and it's left me with disgusting scars that cover a decent sized portion on my body. It changed me, my time with this person. I saw the world clearer after breaking the spell. I became a new person, wanting to actually do things for myself, not because I wanted to be noticed by this person.
At the time I got the tattoo, I was young and reckless and I did take things way too far. I completely forgot what it was like to be me; not only because I wanted that person so badly, but also because I was trying to escape from the monsters inside of me. I was being pushed and pulled in all sorts of directions. I had no focus, no sustainable drive. My adventures and misdeeds did leave me breathless and I think that was the best part about the entire courtship. The unknown. The desire for self-destruction, losing myself in someone who, deep inside, I knew didn't care for me. I was nothing more than a joke, a game or a brilliant distraction. When I look back, I see there was no real relationship there; just a disgusting mess of mismanagement of one another and an endless parade of mindless indulgences with another along the ride. I thought that we were going to be forever, but it really only lasted a few years.
When I look at the tattoo now, I see a similar pattern. It's not cute and light-hearted. It's not just song lyrics down my leg. In a way, it's another warped melody that the lyrics also fit. I feel a hatred and a loss of self, crawling inside me, bubbling. I'm not entirely sure how or why I do these things. I think there is a part of me that doesn't believe that I'm living in reality; that it's some sort of fantasy or dream that will soon end so I will finally be able to have what I want. And I know that with this one, it will be the end. I won't want to give away another part of me. I feel hopelessly consumed by this person at times. It's even more intense than before. I drown in this person's words and feel a stablising force within them and if this doesn't last forever, it will most definetly end in flame.
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