ZOMBIE!!

I see all these paths; all these parallels. I see so many different versions of myself, so many options for careers, diets, places to live, clothes to wear, it's almost like an assault of information. An assault of possibilities. Then other times, I'm blinded by intense rage, severe depression or a pulsating need to escape something that makes me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Everything flips and flops and it feels like my heart is going to explode. The reality blurs with the fiction and it's hard to make heads or tales of what is real and what is an illusion. Who's to say that I can't be these things? That what these flashes or feelings that crop up aren't pieces from other versions of me, other lives, other planes of existence that I inhabit colliding with this one- the more prominent one that I'm in? Maybe this isn't the most prominent one at all, it just appears that way. Throughout this past year, I had experiences I never thought I'd have, visited places I didn't think I'd get to, met people that changed the way I think about myself and the world around me. Some people have been great, some have been shit. It was a learning and growing experience for sure. It feels like I've done so many things, yet in the same breath done so few things. Time is strange like that. I can't really grasp it. 

I really can't believe that I went to Norway. I never thought I'd make it there and this year I did. And it was one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to. I think that when I get too caught up in my head and the negative thinking, I become blind to the beauty that the world can hold. I crossed the country by rail, took in the rivers, fjords, mountains and hills that make up the vast wilderness of Norway. Through snow and ice, I met new challenges, started to work on my shyness, I immersed myself in a history that I once loved and reignited my passion for it. I took time out to really get to know other places in Stockholm. In my time spent in Scandinavia, I felt more welcome, more welcome in the world of the living than I have in the longest time. It was a nice change from the shit state that I usually feel. In addition to travelling to Stockholm, I went to Linköping, home of Ghost! I was damn near obsessed with going to that city. I needed to see, maybe feel some of the inspiration that fuels Tobias. It was a short visit, some disappointment, but overall it was an amazing journey. I crossed Sweden by rail and went into Oslo, Norway. I don't know why people chose to fly when they have the time; I've seen so much of the world via the window of a rail carriage. It never fails to make me stop and think about the natural state of things, forget the corruption the human species creates and packages. It's a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to take trips like this again. 

I've explored new avenues of faith, bathed in the wonders of majesty and felt the wonderment of passion. I met some of the most amazing people. I worked on my shyness and anxiety and broke free of some of my fears, not just with travel either. I've slowly been working on eating things in public; I've had a few backslides but I'm making steps in that. I've come to embrace the carnage that is me with new open arms, learning to accept the limitations (within reason) and finding new avenues to pursue. I survived so much through this year, been testing in the ways of love & devotion, family relationships and friendships.
I'd like to be able to say that my self-harm was better this year, but it really wasn't; it was one of the worst years I ever had with it. I had longer periods of being clean before completely losing my shit. I'm not disappointed in my failure to stop self-harming; I'm rather glad that I managed to go for the long periods that I did. I'm honestly impressed at the abuses I put my body through and how I overcame them with very few scars. I can look at the roadmap on my stomach, thighs, chest and wrist, remembering the lowest points of the year. I can trace my survival, my strength with my fingers. I shouldn't like that I have a physical representation of this internal and external strength embedded in me, but I do. So few will understand the beauty, sorrow, control and loss of control these scars hold; too many, they are simply ugly, damaging marks on my pale skin.

I got a regular, normal job for the time being. People told me that I couldn't do it. Have done. It's strange and annoying most of the time but I've met some nice people and some not so nice people; I think you'll have that anywhere. I don't exactly fit in perfectly, but I'm starting to think that I fit well enough. I'm not there to win a popularity contest. I'm learning what it's like to do a regular job and work with people. It's been a struggle, especially not really having control. The challenges I've faced and overcome here should benefit me later on in life.I added two new members to my family! I finally went out and got mice! The pet store was out of rats and they're close enough for me, so I brought home two furry little friends in mid-December. Chubbs and Phil. They're adorable. I'll do a separate blog on them sometime in the next month or so. : ) I don't know what next year has in store for me, but I am sure that it won't be anything like 2018 was. I want it to be in the sense of adventure and the moments of well-being that I had, but not in the sense of depression, suicide attempts and all around negativity. I've got some changes to make coming up, will they last? Don't know, but I'm looking forward to the new year and all that's inside it.