Let's Eat

A Reflection on Food, Eating Disorders & Other Things 

I first went vegetarian when I was around 16 years old on a bet, but I found out that I loved it. It was a bit more expensive and harder to eat things when I went out, but I loved the food choices I was getting. I thought veggie burgers would be gross or just wouldn't be as satisfying as beef. I could never give up cheese. I didn't really drink much milk and I wasn't a big butter fan, so I didn't think much of that. I kept this lifestyle up for 8 years until I met someone that I deeply loved; he was a meat-eater and I wanted to be with him, so I started eating meat again. I never went vegetarian, nearly vegan out of moral or health reasons, I just like the options. During that time of not eating meat, having to handle raw meat just turned my stomach. I didn't like the smell of it. It wasn't that it was a body that I was consuming, I just didn't like that texture and smell. I'd wonder why was I going to eat that. I did enjoy several types of meat and yoghurts, but always with the dairy, my stomach would act up. I could get away with yoghurt and cheese, but milk and especially ice-cream or anything with cream would just make me want to be sick. Going back into my previous diet, I ditched the milk products first, simply because they hurt me. Then it was meat every other day, now I don't eat it at all anymore. I feel so much better. I don't feel so weighed down. I have more energy when I do eat. I'm having fewer stomach upsets too. I'm eating more organic, whole grains and natural foods that don't have all the grease, procced grains and added sugars. While I still battle with mood swings, I feel a little better in terms of depression. I'm not saying that a vegan lifestyle is a cure for mental illness, it really isn't, but it can be a tool that can be utilised. I've noticed that I've had fewer instances of wanting to hurt myself and fewer outbursts of suicidal depression. I've been more on an even level. Maybe because I'm busy thinking about ingredients and what meals I can take on the go! I don't regret eating meat with him or changing my diet, but I look back and realise that I could have probably saved myself a lot of digestive problems, pain and sick time if I'd listened to my body and stood by my convictions to not want to consume meat and dairy.

Now, I'm not the best when it comes to always eating healthy things! There are vegan treats that I sometimes love to devour. Sometimes I just want some chips and a veggie burger or a vegan pizza. I'm not a big sweets guy, but there are times when I just want a few biscuits or a piece of cake. When I'm tired or I've had a long day, I want that little bit of a sweet fix. Nothing wrong with that. What I've always struggled with is balance. Not physical balance, but the balance of good and bad or healthy and unhealthy. I labelled food as bad for their caloric content or carb content or sugar content, sometimes all of them. There's no such thing as a bad food or an evil food like I thought. I thought of foods in terms of safe and unsafe, sometimes I still do. I'm not sure that will ever go away.

Why have I decided to go back to my original diet? I'm going back to veganism because it makes me feel better about myself, physically. With the restrictions that come with it, I'm able to exercise the control I need when it comes to my issues with eating and food. I'm focused on what's healthy, what I really need more than do I deserve it because most of the time the vegan options are the healthier items. Do I wish I could be a part of my friends going out to eat? Sure, I'd love to be, but I'd have said no before because of my fear of public eating and my not wanting to know that I was struggling with something that should be so easy. It's not like I'm ever invited out, but I guess now them knowing that I'm vegan, that I prefer those foods is another way for me to hide my fear of public eating and not having to deal with the truth that they'd not ask me along. I'm always an afterthought and with this, I can sort of trick myself into believing the reason they're not asking me along is because of my diet, rather than they don't want me around. This hit me the other day when I overheard a few of them planning to go out together. I shouldn't let things like this bother me, but sometimes I let them get to me, then I don't want to eat at all. It's a deep physical sickness that crawls through my stomach corroding everything inside. 

With veganism, the foods are more expensive for the most part and I don't want to waste money buying them and eating them only to puke them up. I'm using my diet choices to help curb the urge to make myself vomit out of self-hatred or the worry about weight. I've self-induced vomiting for both of the reasons, sometimes a combination of the two. It's something that I need to try because I can't give it up. I stop doing it for a little while then I get back into it. Or I binge and then can't get it out and I feel fat and gross. It's the worst feeling to have to wrestle with. People wouldn't know I have these thoughts or feelings about myself because I give off such a cocksure vibe. I'm always thinking about how disgusting I am, but I can't let on because then they'll probably think I'm even more disgusting. It's a vicious cycle. I've had these thoughts my entire life; nothings ever lessened them except intoxication. And in that lies another blog that will be up soon. 

I want to be in control, be healthy and be able to live a less mentally cluttered life and I'm hoping that veganism can be an important stepping stone on this journey. I'm already starting to feel physically better since changing my diet and I'm hoping to make other changes too. If you have any suggestions for snacks, meals or whatever that are vegan, let me know! Feel free to tweet me or DM me. 

There will be other Delectables with Dan blogs dedicated to vegan treats. If I do meat dishes for my siblings, then I might post them on here to keep the audience balanced.