Spare him his life from this monstrosity....

I've been thinking about life more than usual. I keep wondering when it's all going to end. It feels like I'm chained in an endless cycle of bullshit. I'm surrounded by people I hate. I've taken a job that I hate. It's not real. It can't be real. I'm always waiting for the next thing to happen. I hate this place. I hate being here. I hate being chained down. I have no direction. I thought I did at one point, but right now, pretty much everything is up in the air. 

I just don't care anymore. I cared about my job when I first started it, now I could give a fuck less. I do my job, sure I'm friendly and I goof around a little bit, but I'm dedicated. I do what I'm asked even if it's stupid. I've made myself available, helping others in need, utilizing teamwork and trying to reduce resourcing while doing multiple things at once on the floor. It's not enough. I'm not noticed for my hard work, my dedication has been abused. The past month my ability to give a shit about the place has been pretty much non-existent. They expect me to blindly follow orders people that I don't respect and that are, well, basically stupid. I'm told by several people I do an amazing job, then I get hours cut, no kickbacks and I'm treated like shit. I used to pride myself on giving amazing customer service, sometimes going above and beyond to assure that the customer got the honest truth about a product, our sales and our stocks. Now if we don't have it, I don't even mention they can order it online and help them at the online order kiosk. Sometimes I don't even mention it. They don't want to help me? I don't help them. Fire me? Whatever. All that I had been doing isn't really in my job description anyway. Sometimes I'll even use vulgarity at a customer. I don't care if they get offended. I'm not losing a sale. What are they gonna do? Cut my hours even more? More petty punishments? Not having to be there is a bonus, so go on. I've got the ultimate fuck you anyway. I've got nothing to lose and all day to get there.

I've become desensitized to everything going on around me. I really just don't give a shit anymore. What anyone else wants or expects from me really doesn't matter. Things will play out as they will. Desires mean nothing. Plans mean nothing. Despite all the amazing things I've done; written and published books, toured across the world and took some of the more twisted risks one can take, I feel like I have nothing to show for my life. I feel like I've wasted so much of my time. I feel like I've accomplished nothing and that I'm an absolute joke and failure. I'm treading water, slowly drowning. 

...
Despite my behaviours, I've been loaded up on hours at work. I did 38 hours in 5 days there. I worked hard but was endlessly annoyed by the teenage shenanigans transpiring before me. I don't know, it feels like this job is a constant fuck you to me. Take one step forward, take two steps back. As soon as I start to feel some kind of confidence in what I'm doing or any sort of validation, it all falls to pieces. I'm finding it a constant struggle to hold my cool at work. They have morons in charge of things, creating more problems than solutions, common sense being a rare and fleeting occurrence. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm more focused on keeping my cool, not ripping anyone's throat out than work at times. It's a battle between what I want to do and what I'm forced to do. The frustration fuels my already boiling rage and what will become of me when it finally explodes? I come home to collapse. On the bright side, this fatigue is a distraction from thoughts of self-loathing and desires of self-mutilation. The numbness of sheer exhaustion may just be a holdover cure for depression. Of course, I know it won't last and sooner rather than later I will return to my downward spiral.