Danyul Goes To Therapy: The Masks That We Wear
I was jittery arriving at therapy, especially after getting blown off the last time. I didn't even know if she was there. When I got to the building I leaned into the reception window and asked, "Is she even fucking here?" Not tactful, I know, but I was still steaming over the last time. And the two incompetent boobs in the window look at each other and one of them says to me, "I don't even know, she comes in the back entrance." I was dying to make an anal sex joke, but instead, I told them to just let her know I was here and shuffled to my usual seat.
I don't have time to start reading as she shuffles out and calls my name. I follow behind her, silently, not feeling too chatty especially after our last encounter. She doesn't seem disturbed by it or doesn't even remember it. We get settled in her office and I suck hard on my smoothie. I want to talk, yet I don't want to. I'm almost reaching bursting point. I can fill the words, the emotions filling me and when she asks me, "How are you doing, Dan?" I burst. "IT'S SO MUCH! I HATE THOSE FUCKING MUPPETS! THEY'RE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND IM TRAPPED IN THIS PERPETUAL HELL!!" I lean back, breathing with excitement. I must appear to be an absolute nutter to her, but I couldn't care less. I can't stop myself. The words keep flooding through me, out of me. I get more animated, moving around in my seat, back and forth, spewing words and rage. "They only want to know me when I can be of some use! I'm always dragged into this bullshit! They're too stupid and arrogant to see that I just want to be left alone!" I almost collapse into a little ball.
My thoughts blur as my anger rips through me. I rant and rave about how I hate the people around me, how they're all horrible users who constantly expect everything from me but I'm not allowed to get a minute. I can't ask them for help without being told that I'm full of shit, a liar and that I don't deserve it. The anger about being made to feel like I was disgusting, not worth helping. (That was only cemented later on, not during the session.) I sat back having said my piece and breathed deeply. Finally, someone knew how trapped I feel and how trapped I am. I felt like maybe by telling her I'd get the help I need and that I've been crying out for. <I now know that it's complete shit and that I really am alone no matter what I do.>
We get on the subject of The Fall, I don't remember how but we talk about how interesting it is, that it showed two people wearing masks, similar ones. How two sides of the same coin could be so different. It's interesting as we talk about it, I'm disappointed they didn't do more with the serial killer and that the lead investigator was, well, a slut. I inform her that she stepped down taking the role of Stella and that Scully was her best role. That was a sexy woman. She had her intellect and didn't use her pussy to get ahead. That doesn't seem to sit well. Facts are facts.
The rest of the session is fady as my mood started to swing down. I think she asked me how my weekend was other than the turmoil if I had something positive to focus on. I perk up when it's the anniversary of meeting Puggles. I gush, I tell her all the good things, the bad things, focusing on the best part of that weekend and how it affected me a year later. I didn't think that I'd be so filled with joy over it, longing so badly to return to it. Re-live the moment. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. I think that came through when I was telling her.
I don't have time to start reading as she shuffles out and calls my name. I follow behind her, silently, not feeling too chatty especially after our last encounter. She doesn't seem disturbed by it or doesn't even remember it. We get settled in her office and I suck hard on my smoothie. I want to talk, yet I don't want to. I'm almost reaching bursting point. I can fill the words, the emotions filling me and when she asks me, "How are you doing, Dan?" I burst. "IT'S SO MUCH! I HATE THOSE FUCKING MUPPETS! THEY'RE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND IM TRAPPED IN THIS PERPETUAL HELL!!" I lean back, breathing with excitement. I must appear to be an absolute nutter to her, but I couldn't care less. I can't stop myself. The words keep flooding through me, out of me. I get more animated, moving around in my seat, back and forth, spewing words and rage. "They only want to know me when I can be of some use! I'm always dragged into this bullshit! They're too stupid and arrogant to see that I just want to be left alone!" I almost collapse into a little ball.
My thoughts blur as my anger rips through me. I rant and rave about how I hate the people around me, how they're all horrible users who constantly expect everything from me but I'm not allowed to get a minute. I can't ask them for help without being told that I'm full of shit, a liar and that I don't deserve it. The anger about being made to feel like I was disgusting, not worth helping. (That was only cemented later on, not during the session.) I sat back having said my piece and breathed deeply. Finally, someone knew how trapped I feel and how trapped I am. I felt like maybe by telling her I'd get the help I need and that I've been crying out for. <I now know that it's complete shit and that I really am alone no matter what I do.>
We get on the subject of The Fall, I don't remember how but we talk about how interesting it is, that it showed two people wearing masks, similar ones. How two sides of the same coin could be so different. It's interesting as we talk about it, I'm disappointed they didn't do more with the serial killer and that the lead investigator was, well, a slut. I inform her that she stepped down taking the role of Stella and that Scully was her best role. That was a sexy woman. She had her intellect and didn't use her pussy to get ahead. That doesn't seem to sit well. Facts are facts.
The rest of the session is fady as my mood started to swing down. I think she asked me how my weekend was other than the turmoil if I had something positive to focus on. I perk up when it's the anniversary of meeting Puggles. I gush, I tell her all the good things, the bad things, focusing on the best part of that weekend and how it affected me a year later. I didn't think that I'd be so filled with joy over it, longing so badly to return to it. Re-live the moment. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. I think that came through when I was telling her.
Then she drops a bombshell and the world falls out of my ass. "He's very important to you." "Eh?" My cheeks glow red and I bury my face in my hands. What the hell is this? Why have I gone all wonky?! Have I blown a fuse? "How do you know?" I sneer at her assumptions. "Well, you're glowing for one, and second you're so animated telling me about the anniversary of meeting him. He must be a pretty significant person to have an anniversary." I turn red and denied up and down it was something massive. I don't want her to know anything about him; I've got the feeling that I'm not able to fully trust her. Things are starting to move backwards. I'm not finding her helpful and I'm starting to lose hope on things. "He's important." She repeats and I hold my face in my hands. "Yeah, I like him a little bit. He's a little special." I feel shame burning through me. With her eyes on me, it feels like I have no right to have an attraction to him. I feel like I'm naked standing in front of her, so I change the subject.
I ask her again about my paperwork and if it's filed and then I find out that it's something different. "Well, it's two different things." That's not what she said before. We've not heard back on the home support or community support, whatever the fuck she called it and I got "Well, I called, but nothing. It's weird we usually hear back a lot quicker than this, its been weeks and we usually hear back in days." I feel like she's lying to me. Somethings not right about this whole thing. It feels like I'm having my cock yanked over it. More lies unfold. She's trying to confuse me because I don't know how this portion of the system works. I've repeatedly asked her for help and she's blowing me off. I really don't care what she has to say anymore. I don't even know if I want to continue seeing her.
I ask her again about my paperwork and if it's filed and then I find out that it's something different. "Well, it's two different things." That's not what she said before. We've not heard back on the home support or community support, whatever the fuck she called it and I got "Well, I called, but nothing. It's weird we usually hear back a lot quicker than this, its been weeks and we usually hear back in days." I feel like she's lying to me. Somethings not right about this whole thing. It feels like I'm having my cock yanked over it. More lies unfold. She's trying to confuse me because I don't know how this portion of the system works. I've repeatedly asked her for help and she's blowing me off. I really don't care what she has to say anymore. I don't even know if I want to continue seeing her.
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