Danyul Goes To Therapy: Despite All My Rage, I'm Still Just A Rat In A Cage
I'm not looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I don't want to go and waste more of my time there. I've been lied to and let down by this woman. I don't think I can trust her anymore. I really have no options here. I don't know what I can do.anymore. If I don't go then it will make it look like I'm doing nothing. In many ways, I am doing nothing. I'm too tired to fight this. I'm surrounded by people who are awful, unhelpful and quite frankly, subhuman. I've asked people for help and nobody does anything. I get these empty assurances that everything will be okay. Well, fuck that. I've been hoping that for years now and things have only gotten progressively worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I constantly hit brick walls, get shot down or told I don't qualify. How the fuck do I not qualify when I'm sick and tired and hungry and falling apart?
And if she asks me, "How's it going, Dan?" I might just explode.
....
I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting to be taken in for the session and she's late as usual. Why do we even have an agreed upon time if shes always 5 minutes late? Time exists for a reason. I'm a punctual guy, almost always compulsively early so it really annoys me when people aren't on time. (I guess you lot could have gathered that because I almost draw attention to the time in these blogs.) She opens the door and calls my name. I stand up, reach for my bag and my sunglasses fell off my head, naturally, I said: "fuck!" before I picked them up. "You're not allowed to swear in the waiting room." "I really don't care what I said there." I feel like saying 'Well when I actually give a flying fuck what you think, I'll be sure to let you know.' but I hold it inside as we walk into her office. She settles herself in the chair behind the desk and reaches for her coffee as she asks. "How's it going?" I feel the pressure of my anger against my ribs.
I sent her an email a few days ago telling her how bad things are, how I'm desperate for help, what the situation is and she fucking asks me this? I'm in no mood for it. "Oh, you mean besides the starving, threat of losing my house and feeling like shit?" Can she really be this fucking stupid? I feel the rage bubbling up in me. Her stupid hipster outfit is only pissing me off further. How can any self-respecting person dress like this? "Did you call that number I gave you?" "I got a lift to the office but wasn't able to talk to anyone. I waited there for an hour but my ride had to leave and if I'd waited there I'd not have had a way home. They said I could try over the phone." Before I can ask her about my disability paperwork if she's going to do it and she goes, "Well, I don't think you'll get disability, so it's up to you if you put in for it or not." Me put in for it? She's told me for 4 sessions she's going to help me. What the fuck? She gives me some bullshit about a job core and hands me yet again another number to call. Is anyone actually going to fucking help me? I've been trying for weeks, barely holding on. I've heard nothing on the community support programme. I'm cut up six ways to Sunday and she pulls this shit? I have the feeling she doesn't like me.
The session only goes downhill from here. I struggle to keep my temper in check at her fucking smugness and blatant stupidity. She decides to question me on my lack of emotional bonding and attachments to people. I mentioned that I had one and all of a sudden everything else is contradictory? Bullshit. "Daniel?" I look up at her. "What?" "What about Pudgely?" Fuck me. I didn't want to talk about him last session and she brings him up. "What about him?" "You said that you liked him, you felt something for him." "Well, yeah I'm attracted and attached to him. Kinda have something emotional with him. But you know, we're so much alike, sometimes interchangeable and I don't know if I actually care about him or if it's only me thinking that I do because I see him as an external extension of myself. I can see all of my worst traits and behaviours in him." I don't want to explain the rest of it. It's complex and, quite frankly, above this woman. If she can't grasp that human emotions are complex, then she's in the wrong profession. With him, it's a way for me to actually see my worst actions outside myself; with him, I can't always explain them away. I'm confronted by the most negative behaviours in ways that I can't within myself. Maybe that's a large part of the allure. My self-obsession that sometimes colours everything.
I know the behaviour stems not only from what I am but how I was treated. The need to feel important comes from never being important enough, from constantly being ignored. The things that were said and done to me lowered my self-esteem, worsened the budding depression I was starting to experience at the age of 10. I'm a complicated mess of self-hatred and egotistical thinking. It depends on where my mood is; Ask me when I'm depressed and I hate myself, ask me when I'm feeling better, I'm godlike. And this bitch doesn't see this? It's pretty common with people like me and it's just washing over her head. Of course, if she reads this, I'm the uneducated moron who has no reason to believe that I'm better than other people. Actually, she asked me that. "Dan, do you think you're better than other people? Even the people you think of as your friends?" And I answered her honestly. "Yes." It was after that she brought up the whole Pudgely situation. She didn't wait for me to explain my reasoning, but I don't think it would have mattered either way to her.
What about the people that you talk to? "I really don't feel emotionally connected to them. They help me with my boredom. They know how I feel." I don't see why she feels this is important. "So you don't care what happens to them?" "Not, really, I mean, I don't care about many things. I just don't." I'm empty. I don't say that outright, but I imply it. She decides to try and test me. "What would you do if your friend Jessica, the girl you talk to all the time was being raped and she called you for help?" The fuck? Excuse me? Of course. She's one of them. "Why would she call me?" What?" "Well, if she's being raped and has her mobile why would she ring me rather than the police? Seems a bit moronic that she'd do that, don't you think?" "You're not understanding the question. Would you help her?" "No, because I don't live near her." "In this scenario, you live in the same town." "Still, no." She's getting upset. "I highly doubt she'd be raped." "Rape is not about sex, it's about power." She says this to me like I'm some kind of mental midget. "I know that. I never said she was ugly, I mean its a highly unlikely situation. Why would I think about something that has maybe a 5% chance of happening?" "So you wouldn't help your friend?" "No." Perhaps it's all the Law and Order SVU that I've been watching recently colouring this, as well as my own moments of contact with police that makes me not want to get involved at am. Sure, she can tell me afterwards, how she felt, what it was like, but I don't want to intervene and end up in a police investigation. It usually doesn't play well for people like me. ((I did discuss this with Jessica after and she was disgusted by the question and was perplexed as to why that situation was proposed.)
It didn't end with just Jessica. We'd discussed by bullying and my outbursts of violence toward those who had mercilessly attacked me verbally and physically each day I went to class. Of course, I was in the wrong for defending myself physically. A person can only take so much and I was pushed to my limits every day for a year by a large group of people. I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm not sorry for attacking them back, putting all three of the ringleaders in hospital. They got what they deserved. Of course, if it were someone else, she'd have a bleeding hard and would be in the witness box testifying how they were horribly abused boys and yadda. Fuck this double standard system and the pathetic, weak minded losers who play into it. They always tell me rules and laws are there for a reason and then they just backtrack on people while still trying to hold blame on me. I'm not taking the rap on this one. I didn't do anything wrong. Other times? Yeah, it may have been partly my fault, but not in this case. She tries to corner me again with her poor attempts at logic.
"What if a little child came up to you and told you that he was being bullied? Would you help the kid?" This shit again? Her hypotheticals are stupid and have no bearing on reality. I hit her with logic. "What the fuck would I be doing at a primary school? I'm almost 30 with no kids of my own. Wouldn't it be a bit dodgy if I was hanging around a primary school talking to kids?" "What if it happened on a bus?" Is she trying to paint me as some kind of child weirdo? Where the fuck is this going? The line of questioning is pissing me off. I know she wants me to draw on my own experience, think back to how I felt when I was powerless and needed help, but seriously? In what world does this kind of shit happen? "Why would some kid tell a random stranger about this? Stranger Danger and all that, I get the idea telling a parent or teacher can be scary but why would they tell just some random person?" My logic only pisses her off. "Would you help him or not?" "No. No, I wouldn't. Not without some kind of proof. Everybody wants to be a victim, they all want attention and look at me. I'm not going to get involved without something to support the claim." Maybe that seems a little harsh, but you know what? 9 times out of 10 people are out for their own. Looking for a payday or some kind of special treatment. Could I have a better worldview? Probably, but these are the way things are. I base my views on my experiences and my not wanting to end up in a prison cell because the system twists everything anyone says.
"I'm trying to push you in here because some of the things you've said are contradictory. Your feelings are valid, but they conflict, so I'm going to push you." Aka, she doesn't believe how I feel and doubts me. If they were fucking valid they wouldn't be questioned. Who the fuck does she think she's talking to. So she assumes that I'm lying about my feelings. the one in the wrong. It seems to be a trend with these gross liberal women I've been forced to work with. I thought I could trust her. I did. She's lied to me, accused me of lying and then wants to act like she's so much better than me. She's not better than me. She's certainly not smarter than me. I understand her wanting to know more about me, but she did it in a cunty, sneaky way. I feel the way that I do. I can't change that. I don't really know why it's different with him, why he's beyond all others. And truthfully, I don't think she deserves to know. Pushing me isn't the way to get information or answers. I've made that quite clear. I've had enough of her, her smugness and her lies.
I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting to be taken in for the session and she's late as usual. Why do we even have an agreed upon time if shes always 5 minutes late? Time exists for a reason. I'm a punctual guy, almost always compulsively early so it really annoys me when people aren't on time. (I guess you lot could have gathered that because I almost draw attention to the time in these blogs.) She opens the door and calls my name. I stand up, reach for my bag and my sunglasses fell off my head, naturally, I said: "fuck!" before I picked them up. "You're not allowed to swear in the waiting room." "I really don't care what I said there." I feel like saying 'Well when I actually give a flying fuck what you think, I'll be sure to let you know.' but I hold it inside as we walk into her office. She settles herself in the chair behind the desk and reaches for her coffee as she asks. "How's it going?" I feel the pressure of my anger against my ribs.
I sent her an email a few days ago telling her how bad things are, how I'm desperate for help, what the situation is and she fucking asks me this? I'm in no mood for it. "Oh, you mean besides the starving, threat of losing my house and feeling like shit?" Can she really be this fucking stupid? I feel the rage bubbling up in me. Her stupid hipster outfit is only pissing me off further. How can any self-respecting person dress like this? "Did you call that number I gave you?" "I got a lift to the office but wasn't able to talk to anyone. I waited there for an hour but my ride had to leave and if I'd waited there I'd not have had a way home. They said I could try over the phone." Before I can ask her about my disability paperwork if she's going to do it and she goes, "Well, I don't think you'll get disability, so it's up to you if you put in for it or not." Me put in for it? She's told me for 4 sessions she's going to help me. What the fuck? She gives me some bullshit about a job core and hands me yet again another number to call. Is anyone actually going to fucking help me? I've been trying for weeks, barely holding on. I've heard nothing on the community support programme. I'm cut up six ways to Sunday and she pulls this shit? I have the feeling she doesn't like me.
The session only goes downhill from here. I struggle to keep my temper in check at her fucking smugness and blatant stupidity. She decides to question me on my lack of emotional bonding and attachments to people. I mentioned that I had one and all of a sudden everything else is contradictory? Bullshit. "Daniel?" I look up at her. "What?" "What about Pudgely?" Fuck me. I didn't want to talk about him last session and she brings him up. "What about him?" "You said that you liked him, you felt something for him." "Well, yeah I'm attracted and attached to him. Kinda have something emotional with him. But you know, we're so much alike, sometimes interchangeable and I don't know if I actually care about him or if it's only me thinking that I do because I see him as an external extension of myself. I can see all of my worst traits and behaviours in him." I don't want to explain the rest of it. It's complex and, quite frankly, above this woman. If she can't grasp that human emotions are complex, then she's in the wrong profession. With him, it's a way for me to actually see my worst actions outside myself; with him, I can't always explain them away. I'm confronted by the most negative behaviours in ways that I can't within myself. Maybe that's a large part of the allure. My self-obsession that sometimes colours everything.
I know the behaviour stems not only from what I am but how I was treated. The need to feel important comes from never being important enough, from constantly being ignored. The things that were said and done to me lowered my self-esteem, worsened the budding depression I was starting to experience at the age of 10. I'm a complicated mess of self-hatred and egotistical thinking. It depends on where my mood is; Ask me when I'm depressed and I hate myself, ask me when I'm feeling better, I'm godlike. And this bitch doesn't see this? It's pretty common with people like me and it's just washing over her head. Of course, if she reads this, I'm the uneducated moron who has no reason to believe that I'm better than other people. Actually, she asked me that. "Dan, do you think you're better than other people? Even the people you think of as your friends?" And I answered her honestly. "Yes." It was after that she brought up the whole Pudgely situation. She didn't wait for me to explain my reasoning, but I don't think it would have mattered either way to her.
What about the people that you talk to? "I really don't feel emotionally connected to them. They help me with my boredom. They know how I feel." I don't see why she feels this is important. "So you don't care what happens to them?" "Not, really, I mean, I don't care about many things. I just don't." I'm empty. I don't say that outright, but I imply it. She decides to try and test me. "What would you do if your friend Jessica, the girl you talk to all the time was being raped and she called you for help?" The fuck? Excuse me? Of course. She's one of them. "Why would she call me?" What?" "Well, if she's being raped and has her mobile why would she ring me rather than the police? Seems a bit moronic that she'd do that, don't you think?" "You're not understanding the question. Would you help her?" "No, because I don't live near her." "In this scenario, you live in the same town." "Still, no." She's getting upset. "I highly doubt she'd be raped." "Rape is not about sex, it's about power." She says this to me like I'm some kind of mental midget. "I know that. I never said she was ugly, I mean its a highly unlikely situation. Why would I think about something that has maybe a 5% chance of happening?" "So you wouldn't help your friend?" "No." Perhaps it's all the Law and Order SVU that I've been watching recently colouring this, as well as my own moments of contact with police that makes me not want to get involved at am. Sure, she can tell me afterwards, how she felt, what it was like, but I don't want to intervene and end up in a police investigation. It usually doesn't play well for people like me. ((I did discuss this with Jessica after and she was disgusted by the question and was perplexed as to why that situation was proposed.)
It didn't end with just Jessica. We'd discussed by bullying and my outbursts of violence toward those who had mercilessly attacked me verbally and physically each day I went to class. Of course, I was in the wrong for defending myself physically. A person can only take so much and I was pushed to my limits every day for a year by a large group of people. I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm not sorry for attacking them back, putting all three of the ringleaders in hospital. They got what they deserved. Of course, if it were someone else, she'd have a bleeding hard and would be in the witness box testifying how they were horribly abused boys and yadda. Fuck this double standard system and the pathetic, weak minded losers who play into it. They always tell me rules and laws are there for a reason and then they just backtrack on people while still trying to hold blame on me. I'm not taking the rap on this one. I didn't do anything wrong. Other times? Yeah, it may have been partly my fault, but not in this case. She tries to corner me again with her poor attempts at logic.
"What if a little child came up to you and told you that he was being bullied? Would you help the kid?" This shit again? Her hypotheticals are stupid and have no bearing on reality. I hit her with logic. "What the fuck would I be doing at a primary school? I'm almost 30 with no kids of my own. Wouldn't it be a bit dodgy if I was hanging around a primary school talking to kids?" "What if it happened on a bus?" Is she trying to paint me as some kind of child weirdo? Where the fuck is this going? The line of questioning is pissing me off. I know she wants me to draw on my own experience, think back to how I felt when I was powerless and needed help, but seriously? In what world does this kind of shit happen? "Why would some kid tell a random stranger about this? Stranger Danger and all that, I get the idea telling a parent or teacher can be scary but why would they tell just some random person?" My logic only pisses her off. "Would you help him or not?" "No. No, I wouldn't. Not without some kind of proof. Everybody wants to be a victim, they all want attention and look at me. I'm not going to get involved without something to support the claim." Maybe that seems a little harsh, but you know what? 9 times out of 10 people are out for their own. Looking for a payday or some kind of special treatment. Could I have a better worldview? Probably, but these are the way things are. I base my views on my experiences and my not wanting to end up in a prison cell because the system twists everything anyone says.
"I'm trying to push you in here because some of the things you've said are contradictory. Your feelings are valid, but they conflict, so I'm going to push you." Aka, she doesn't believe how I feel and doubts me. If they were fucking valid they wouldn't be questioned. Who the fuck does she think she's talking to. So she assumes that I'm lying about my feelings. the one in the wrong. It seems to be a trend with these gross liberal women I've been forced to work with. I thought I could trust her. I did. She's lied to me, accused me of lying and then wants to act like she's so much better than me. She's not better than me. She's certainly not smarter than me. I understand her wanting to know more about me, but she did it in a cunty, sneaky way. I feel the way that I do. I can't change that. I don't really know why it's different with him, why he's beyond all others. And truthfully, I don't think she deserves to know. Pushing me isn't the way to get information or answers. I've made that quite clear. I've had enough of her, her smugness and her lies.
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